Welcome to divorcebusting.com! I assume you are here because you want to save your marriage.
Your pattern with your wife gets in the way of growing your love for each other. Rob is right to the extent that when you are over-pursuing you need to back off. Cadet is right to the extent that you have to change your own behavior to affect your wife's behavior.
You need a different counselor if you want to save your marriage.
If all you've got is no contact, you don't have a marriage.
Start doing something different. Build the friendship part of your marriage. This is not the time to go out with other folks and invoke jealousy, the pushmepullyou thing. Strengthen the warmth and care between you. Do it slowly, calmly.
