Whew... ladies, this discussion really hits home! Sandi, I'm realizing so much of my dysfunction goes back to my Mom/older sister (who were coping with their own crisis when I was small). Working on M is involving working on sell-parenting and boundary issues with ALL of my relationships as part of my self-care plan.
I just wanted to share this with you both from Susan Peabody's book:
Forgiving others – In his book, Alcoholic Anonymous, author Bill Wilson, discusses forgiveness, and say it’s not done to please others, but in the interest of self. – In Toxic Parents, Susan Forward says this, “You may be asking yourself, “ Isn’t the first step to forgive my parent?” My answer is no…It is not necessary to forgive your parents in order to feel better about yourself and to change your life…Why in the world should you “Pardon” a father who terrorized and battered you, who made your childhood a living hell? Early in my professional career I too believed to forgive people who had injured you, especially your parents, was an important part of the healing process….The more I thought about it, I realize this absolution was another form of denial….One of the most dangerous thing about forgiveness is that it undercuts your ability to let go of your pent-up emotions. How can you acknowledge your anger against a a parent whom you’ve already forgiven? – The question is this : Is it possible that both Bill Wilson and Susan Forward are both right? Yes, Susan Forward is correct when she says we must own our anger. Anger is honest. Anger in the right setting is therapeutic. Anger can lead to justice. Anger can free us from tyranny. And by coming out against forgiveness, Forward allows us to take our time without shame. Bill Wilson in my opinion is also right. If we stop resenting people, we feel better about ourselves and others. This changes us and our lives. This is why I believe forgiveness is the ultimate goal no matter how long it takes. – If you decide that forgiveness if for you, it might be helpful to realize that letting go off anger does not mean that you have to like the person or continue to let that person to persecute you. Actually, you don’t even have to be around the person who hurt you if you don’t want to. – “You know, God asks us to love our neighbours and our enemies alike, but some people you just have to love at a distance.” – Forgiveness is not a constant state. It ebbs and flows like the tide. Sometimes you feel good about those who hurt you and other times you feel the anger all over again. But this doesn’t mean, you haven’t progressed. I’ve found that, as long as I ask God for the strength to release my anger, or announce it in my support group that I am going to “turn it over” or tell my therapist I am really tired of these resentments and want them to go away, the anger comes less and less often. People should not be told to forgive when they are not ready. They shouldn’t be shamed by others, and they should not shame themselves. They should push themselves gently in the right direction."
HAPPY THANKSGIVING! I am so thankful to have found you both and your wisdom... you truly saved me from going down a BAD road, and I thank you for your generous and honest sharing at a critical time.
