online dating tips #3

[Golfgirl1]

newmama,
Thanks for the tips/advice. I actually like the schedule right now and it eases me into a relationship...slowly!!
Being a teacher, I cherish the thought that he's a great dad and would do NOTHING to stop that from being his primary responsibility right now. I don't want to meet his kids until we know this might be headed somewhere and I don't complain at all about anything. He's a great guy and I'm lucky to be dating him and vice versa...:)

[newmama]

http://single-parenting.families.com/blo...y-john-gray-phd

this is a summary of Dr. Gray's advice for single moms and the dating world...

[g450]

Thanks for all the responses. We have been dating for about 3 months.

She has money issues (among others) and lives with her neice. This is one of the reasons the kid tags along. We did have a discussion about this last week and she almost broke it off with me. She feels like I dont like her Son.

I told her that I did not disslike him, it just made me feel strange being intimate while having him in my house with us.

The reality is that her Son will never like any of Mom's dates because he would be stealing Mommy away from him. He even called his father to complain that his Mom loves g450 more than him. I understood the kids feelings as I felt the same way after my Dad died and Mom started bringing dates home and into her bedroom.

But I honestly dont see any issues between us personally. Me and him get along fine I think.

Anyway, we did make up. We only see each other on weekends so I decided to suck it up and deal with it. He is a good kid but can be annyoing sometimes as OPKs (Other Peoples Kids) can be.
Just this weekend I let him borrow my laptop and he managed to break the power chord for it somehow. But I remembered that I was a Dad also and my (now grown) Son did stuff like that also.

I guess I am being too critical and got used to being by myself. You have to take the good with the bad. But the affection I get from this woman and the fact that we get along great otherwise makes me want to stick it out with her so that is what I will continue to do.

KML you are right. She constantly portrays herself and her Son as a "package deal". She even told me that her Son is a part of her and I had to accept that if I wanted this relationship to work.

I have no problem with that but I get the feeling that she wants me to be a weekend rent-a-dad and that is something I will not do. I turned this around on her and asked her what more she wanted me to do regarding her Son that I was not already doing. She could not answer this question and it made her think.

I take him with us, I feed him and I let him enjoy the benefits of my home. I even got him a Christmas present. Not sure what the heck else she wants from me as she cant really tell me. I asked her to not just bring him without checking with me first. To me that is just common courtesy. "Oh by the way, Im bringing XXX" is a real mood killer and she forgets that maybe I might have made plans for us that day.

She does used the boy's Grandmother to watch him sometimes but they dont always take him in for some reason. The boy's father lives 200 miles away and could care less about him. In fact he cant even take care of himself much less a 12 year old boy. It's really sad.

Sorry for the rant guys but it helps to share this stuff with you.

[SunFunOne]

g450: Well if it were me - I'd run. It does not sound like you are interested in the son and they DO come as a package. The mom should be concentrating on getting a job, proper living arrangements and being a mom before even considering dating. Sounds like she might be looking for a dad for her son or a meal ticket. Sorry if that sounds harsh but GEEZ - if that's all you're getting is a roll in the hay - there are plenty of other women out there.

3 months and sounds like you're signing up for a lifetime. I think you need to take a reality check before you end up in a shotgun wedding.

Barb

[soleil]

I told her that I did not disslike him, it just made me feel strange being intimate while having him in my house with us.

Yep, that sounds a bit uncomfortable.

[Golfgirl1]

Thanks, new mama....that was very helpful for me. Guess I'll head to the library to see what other information I can find.

[newmama]

g450-- you've been dating her for 3 months so far. I don't see why you should run because her son is adjusting to his mom dating! Have you looked up anything about how to handle these kinds of situations (when dating single moms!)

However, I totally can see how difficult it is! Not to discount that. Do you see a future with this woman? Like if her son came around? Gee, it could be another few months to a year...

[flowmom]

I need some help, though. I don't have kids and he has a 15 and 11 year old who live with him every other week. He sort of "implied" that Sat. nights without his kids would be our "date nights." Well, what if I have other things with friends on those nights? Do I save them all for him? I'm not thinking so....How do we find time to date? Help?!

He has the time that he has...you either want to spend time with him when he's available, or not. This is the one case when a guy making other things (his children) a higher priority than you and asking you if you're willing to work around his schedule is acceptable. Finding time to date as a single parent is hard. I am dating a single parent but I'm the one with more scheduling contraints than him. He totally gets that I only have the "night off" when stbxh has the kids, which is on a wacky schedule. If he chooses to make other plans on those nights then he doesn't get to see me, it's that simple. Fortunately he always chooses me when he is available

[flowmom]

G450, if I was broke and raising a soon-to-be-teenaged son without a father in the picture, I'd be looking for a surrogate dad for sure. She may be hoping that you'll embrace that role eventually, but it doesn't sound like you're up for that. Yes, they are a package deal. She may not be putting him in grandparent care because she wants to spend time with BOTH of you, and wishes to create a family scenario. It sounds like some communication might be in order here. You might want to probe into what she is hoping for in this situation. You put her on the spot by saying "well what more should I be doing?" and that shut her up...but you will have to approach it more subtly if you really want to know her thoughts on this.

[flowmom]

Just wanted to add that when I spend time with my boyfriend, I do it guilt free, knowing that my kids are having a ball with their dad and that they NEED time with him. Your lady is in a much tougher situation...she doesn't have the luxury of knowing that her son is enjoying quality time when she is alone with you.