My friend, you are riding on heated emotions and desperation. You are unable to follow through with the threats and ultimatums you make because they are nothing more than fired up emotions looking for an outlet.
One of THE first things the DR and DB books make clear to us, if we hope to have any attempt to salvage our marital relationship, is to get control of ourselves.
So far you are a textbook case for what NOT to do if you hope to have any chance in repairing/restoring your marriage. Literally everything you have done has HARMED your relationship and LESSENED the chances of saving the marriage.
The people posting to you keep telling you this.
You keep ignoring.
You are like a petulant child who insists on having his way, and plans to throw every major tantrum he can think of if he does not.
Some on here have talked about the need for your wife to RESPECT you as a man. What have you done since the bomb landed that would give her reason to respect you?
Understand this - your wife is going through an incredible mess right now and she is making terribly damaging decisions as a result.
Your marriage is on life support, and YOU are the only one who is willing and able to do something to stop the bleeding. And yet, instead, you do things to throw open the wounds and inflict even more of your own.
This is not DB'ing.
This is reacting. And reacting poorly.
Fighting in front of your kids. Committing actions that lead to physical confrontations. Threatening worst case scenarios, then changing your mind. Questioning her every action. Treating her life your child instead of another adult. Begging, pleading, allowing her to send YOU on the same rollercoaster ride SHE is on.
How are you going to LEAD this reconciliation attempt? How are you showing her you LOVE her and are a man she should want by her side?
This could be a middle of life crisis, or she could simply have tired of a lifeless marriage. I'm inclined to think the former because of the reaching out to her past, but really, with YOUR behavior, it doesn't matter WHAT it is.
If you don't find a way to STOP BEING YOU, and start being a man, this is over before it's begun.
Did you ever want something so badly that you ran it off instead? That is your reality right now.
THINK.
Stop REACTING.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I do believe however that the most important first step in dealing with a marriage in distress is to find your own footing - to get yourself on an even keel and begin thinking about where YOU have fallen off the path.
Too much of our focus is on our spouse and the impending loss of the marriage.
One perspective I can bring from my own experience is that, while this hurts down to your core right now, you WILL survive this chaos.
And when things do eventually calm down and we look back, we see how our desperation really only served to make things worse for everyone and everything.
Perhaps it cannot be helped. When our spouse chooses to walk away and leave the marriage, it is absolutely devastating. From that respect, it's easy to understand why we choose a course of action that SEEMS so right, but really only appeases the emotional pain we are feeling inside.
It's a false appeasement though. At least that's what I think most of us find out.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
That was exactly what i did, grabbed her phone on two different days in front of the kids, tried leaving the house with it and she tried stopping me.
She's still having an affair right? I just don't think that under those circumstances you can detatch with her in the same house and all this going on under you and your kids nose.
I think the ROBx, Gucci approach is best, don't be an ass, just let her go. The only alternative is staying with her in an open marriage if that's what you want.
