Thank you all for your input and your concern for my situation. I appreciate ALL of them - every perspective helps me. You all help me to not feel so alone - so crazy.
Yes, Cat. Yes to everything you said. You are saying the things I haven't had the courage to say myself. I am more frustrated with myself now for not stopping my behavior than I am with his behavior. It boggles the mind. And yes - I have let him make most things my fault our entire relationship. I gave my power away - I know this is a sign of codependency and I do need to ask myself why I continue to do this in relationships.
I appreciated the hopeful comments from the moderator - I know this is a snapshot but I do believe he has almost both feet out the door at this moment. I already apologized for my behavior but you bet it's hard to do this and not receive an apology for his mistreatment of me.
We have the holidays ahead of us. And I have to spend almost 72 hours with him on a non-refundable trip we had planned right after Thanksgiving. I'm not exactly sure how to find my footing again. But what I do know is I won't be touching the burning stove again. I have exhausted myself and don't like how I feel about ME after doing these things - regardless of what he thinks. My intuition has told me for weeks to cut the snooping out. I've received lots of encouragement from family to continue to snoop as it's my business since he is my husband. I don't blame them for the choices I made but I did use what they said as permission to continue my dysfunctional and utterly useless behavior. I have only been hurting myself.
If my goal is to do everything I can to save the marriage and leave no stone unturned, I must be able to walk away if things don't work out with zero regret on how I handled things. Snooping for me = regret. I'm being blamed for enough and don't want that on my hands as well.
Wish me luck. I will continue to use these boards. And there truly is no way I can properly express my appreciation to all of you.
Happy Thanksgiving to all.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
"I told you I'm not going to share anything with you about my connection with her"
Barb someone who is interested in reconciling a R does not talk like this.
They also if they are truly contrite about the A then they will want to prove to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that they can be trusted.
Then you trust BUT verify.
None of these is your H doing and he is now blaming you for his leaving because you don't trust him because is having an inappropriate relationship which he refuses to discuss with you?
Detach.
Let himn go.
There is nothing you can do for this right now.
Protect yourself legally, financially and emotionally and live your life like he is not coming back.
The quicker you do this the better.
All this begging and pleading for the M and him at ANY cost is not going to get you anywhere but hurt.
Rob--this isn't what we do here. We SAVE marriages.
Dbmod, I know! There is nothing I want more in this world than to save my marriage, which is still on very thin ice. Although it is now 100 times better than it was 4 months ago. and I'm just trying to pass on some of what worked for me and what didn't.
However, I think Barb is in a situation where she needs to save herself and her sanity. Isn't that one of the key aims of DB'ing? Perhaps once she has done that the marriage will fall back into place. Her living under the same roof as this man is nothing but toxic to her.
Heading to our friend's home for Thanksgiving turned out to be just the right thing. I was a bit wary since only the day before he had told me "this ship has sailed", etc. On the way to their home, H said he really appreciated me arranging this. I took this to mean he really did not want to be alone on the holiday. I'm still not sure why he had been pushing for me to take the kids to my family's home when he really did want to spend it with us. Very confusing. As I had mentioned earlier, I decided to stop snooping (it's been hard but I'm still going strong) and to lovingly detach. The "lovingly" part is not difficult for me but detaching feels strange and foreign to me. And since I have been detaching, I see just how much I have been focusing just on him and his needs and not at all on mine. Also, I felt some anger bubbling up because I'm now allowing myself to go back and think about some of the choices he has made with the affair that have cut me to the core. Nonetheless, I have been managing this anger and sadness without involving him. H was very attentive and reached out several times to put his hand on my back or arm around me - I have to work hard not to read anything into this. I also have taken my wedding ring off. I'm a bit conflicted on this - I didn't do it for him to notice or to make a statement. But after the things he said last week, I just felt defeated. ANY input on this would be appreciated.
We left for our trip the day after Thanksgiving. He was very attentive and even flirting with me. Again, trying not to read too much into this. His main concern with going on the trip was that I would have expectations of him - I showed him throughout the entire trip that I did not. Oh - actually that is not quite true. I am realizing more and more that I am lonely and miss being touched. I also am quite obviously missing intimacy with H but I kind of got into the mindset on Saturday night that it would be okay if I propositioned him for sex. I almost had myself talked into believing this would be okay because I have all of these sexual needs. I tested the waters a bit and he did show affection initially and then said we should probably go to sleep. I'm glad I didn't push things. But I did feel angry. Not so much because of the rejection but I just started thinking about his ex and how he has given these things to her that he should be giving to me. I calmed myself down and went to sleep. He asked me the next morning what was wrong - was I angry at him (guess he was reading into my being tired from such a late night). I asked him what reason I would have to be angry. He said he was just checking. I was proud of how I handled this.
One thing came up that I would like opinions on. I have been staying at home with the kids for 4 years now. Prior to that, I was a career woman. I have always sensed that he looked down on me for wanting to stay home with the kids - and this is perhaps something attractive about his ex - she works. She is not nearly as educated as I am but works, nonetheless. DB Moderator keeps asking others what is so attractive about the OP. In my case, his perceived history of their past is what makes her attractive - that and her willingness to beg for his forgiveness for leaving him for another man 21 years ago. So I'm really not sure how I can align myself and become more attractive to him in these ways, you know?! Anyway - lately I have been voicing my desire to go back to work. At dinner on Saturday H asked me how he can support me in this. I wish I had answered the question differently but what I said was that it was a loaded question. That he had said he was moving out and might divorce me and that he knows quite well that I will not stay in this town (will move closer to family). So if a D would take about 6 months, why would I want to start a job and then just have to leave it a few months later? My response bothered him. I told him this trip was not for talking about our relationship and then changed the subject.
So anyway - back home now. Still doing my best to implement the LRT -not pursuing, being pleasant toward him. Showing him the best of who I am and actually feeling more and more in my heart that I want to focus on my life with myself and the children. I feel l like I have spent far too much time focusing on him and trying to please him. I still want to save our marriage but I have to accept it might not happen and not cower in terror and fear when I think about that.
Thanks for listening.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
"I told you I'm not going to share anything with you about my connection with her"
Barb someone who is interested in reconciling a R does not talk like this.
They also if they are truly contrite about the A then they will want to prove to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that they can be trusted.
Then you trust BUT verify.
None of these is your H doing and he is now blaming you for his leaving because you don't trust him because is having an inappropriate relationship which he refuses to discuss with you?
Detach.
Let himn go.
There is nothing you can do for this right now.
Protect yourself legally, financially and emotionally and live your life like he is not coming back.
The quicker you do this the better.
All this begging and pleading for the M and him at ANY cost is not going to get you anywhere but hurt.
Absolutely and for your own sanity.
Wow. You should NOT let your H tell you that he is not going to share anything about OW with you.
This is damned emotional abuse.
You need to see it as that.
A marriage with this level of cruelty is NOT worth saving now.
I am all for you saving it when our H understands trust and integrity.
I am not trying to be mean. I feel for you. I am 11 months along in my sitch and I can tell you our self esteem will not get better unless you confront these sort of statements with a clear boundary.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
