Had a long R talk with H today. He was pretty upset - almost crying through most of it. We've finally isolated the core of our issues, I think. He never got over my ultimatum 6 years ago that we have children or divorce. He feels like he is not enough for me. I asked him what it would take for him to be secure in my love, and at first he said there was no way for that to happen. Then he finally said he didn't think I would agree to what he would need to feel that. I pointed out that it isn't right for him to decide what I am willing to do. He said he'd try to write down a list of things that would help him get over that (I've already got a list of things I need from him to feel secure with him). Even IF he finished the list, and IF I think I'm able to do all of the things on that list, the choice of whether I get the opportunity lies with him, and right now I think he is just too afraid and weary of being hurt to agree. I figure if we both agreed to give this a real shot and leave the bitterness behind we have a 50-50 chance of making a good relationship, but I think there's a less than 5% chance for him to agree to trying.
It makes me sad that we've had 6 years of miscommunication, and that neither of us could tell the other one fully loved the other, and that now we've finally both realized what the problems are, he can't let go of his hurt and bitterness to move forward with me.
I'm not sure how to apply the DB principles here. The R talks actually seem to be helping, when we are both in the right frame of mind to have them, as at least we've now drilled down to THE issue.
