Thank you all for your input and your concern for my situation. I appreciate ALL of them - every perspective helps me. You all help me to not feel so alone - so crazy.
Yes, Cat. Yes to everything you said. You are saying the things I haven't had the courage to say myself. I am more frustrated with myself now for not stopping my behavior than I am with his behavior. It boggles the mind. And yes - I have let him make most things my fault our entire relationship. I gave my power away - I know this is a sign of codependency and I do need to ask myself why I continue to do this in relationships.
I appreciated the hopeful comments from the moderator - I know this is a snapshot but I do believe he has almost both feet out the door at this moment. I already apologized for my behavior but you bet it's hard to do this and not receive an apology for his mistreatment of me.
We have the holidays ahead of us. And I have to spend almost 72 hours with him on a non-refundable trip we had planned right after Thanksgiving. I'm not exactly sure how to find my footing again. But what I do know is I won't be touching the burning stove again. I have exhausted myself and don't like how I feel about ME after doing these things - regardless of what he thinks. My intuition has told me for weeks to cut the snooping out. I've received lots of encouragement from family to continue to snoop as it's my business since he is my husband. I don't blame them for the choices I made but I did use what they said as permission to continue my dysfunctional and utterly useless behavior. I have only been hurting myself.
If my goal is to do everything I can to save the marriage and leave no stone unturned, I must be able to walk away if things don't work out with zero regret on how I handled things. Snooping for me = regret. I'm being blamed for enough and don't want that on my hands as well.
Wish me luck. I will continue to use these boards. And there truly is no way I can properly express my appreciation to all of you.
Happy Thanksgiving to all.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
