Yes - I f-ed up. Bad. According to DR, I've continued to go down "cheese-less tunnels" and have actively been exhibiting "more of the same" behavior. I've continued to "snoop" on him regarding what I consider to be an affair but he obviously refuses to admit to. I reminded him that he has been lying to me through this entire ordeal - that we have both been hurting each other. He doesn't have much to say about that.
Barb,
Are you ready to stop this behavior yet?
Have you allowed yourself to be hurt enough yet to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT?
I hope so...
Listen, it took me going down a cheeseless tunnel or twenty, to decide that I was only hurting myself...
He was gonna do what ever it was that he wanted, if I found out, he would make me the bad guy for snooping into his business, and he would lie...
So I never got the answers I was looking for from him and I felt like crap about myself in the end.
I can't tell you how many times I was told that he didn't believe anything that I said, when he was the one telling lie after lie.
Eventually, when I changed my behaviors, I realized that I was not the crazy one. I was not the bad one. I was not the one that had bailed on my M.
Even if I had done things I should not have. I definately touched the hot stove more times that was necessary.
In the end, I was more frustrated and angry with myself for continuing it, than I was with him for all of the crap that he pulled.
Because I let him.
My H, over the years, became very emotionally and verbally abusive. He would say horrible horrible things to me. He would get me to comply with his wishes through fear.
He was successful with this, because I allowed him to do this.
Over time, I internalized the things that he said to me, about me, internalized his moods as my fault. By the time the bomb dropped, I had become a shell of a person. I felt that I could not live without him, but I wondered why I wanted to live with him. After I finally stopped the cheeseless tunnels and began to realize my role in this (my main problem was allowing myself to be treated the way that I was), I began to change.
My interactions with my H began to change. It didn't happen overnight. It didn't make a difference in our marital situation (although he did start to see me differently) but it made a difference in me. And in made a difference in our relationship.
It took me taking the time to get to know me again. To learn to like me again. To heal myself.
Regardless of what the book tells you, what you know you shouldn't do...
Until you stop giving yourself permission to not change, you won't change.
You have to stop making excuses for yourself, finding ways to justify doing things that only hurt you.
Because the truth as I see it at this point, is that regardless of what he is doing, you are the one who is hurting you right now.
And there is only one way to stop that.
You can do this. It is your choice.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
