I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[ClingingToHope]

Happy Thanksgiving -- I know it's tomorrow, but I'm taking the girls to eat tonight since I don't have them tomorrow so it's a two-day thing for me.

Last year, the girls got me really nice sweatshirts. They were easily $40 to $50 each -- so I know STBXW paid for them.

I didn't have the girls get her anything.

So this year I am taking them to Wisconsin Dells on Dec. 11 for a one-night stay and we will stop -- probably in Madison -- on the way back so they can shop for presents for their mom. One each. That way when I drop them off on Christmas -- they will be waking up with me in the morning -- they'll have gifts for STBXW.

I am in a good frame of mind and have been for a couple of weeks. But I wonder about why a bit.

The message at church lately has been "Two words that change everything." It started with "more than." Last week it was "press on." Two weeks ago it was "thank you" and how saying that and meaning it can change your life.

That's been my struggle. I can't thank STBXW for anything because it feels like I'm condoning the divorce. What's the legal term? It's all fruit from the same poisonous tree.

I went up and talked to someone on the prayer team. I saw him in March and he prayed with me. This time, he asked questions for a bit. He asked me what I can offer STBXW for the rest of my life. I mumbled a couple of answers. He looked at me and said, "you can offer her grace. God gives you grace for all of your sins."

In my growth group that week we talked about it and I remembered how my dad never bad-mouthed my mom, but he also never was cordial to her, they never interacted at all.

When he died, my mom did not go to his funeral.

This is a strange thought, but I realized I want STBXW to come to mine some day. And it's not just STBXW. I want to be the kind of person who when I die, people drop everything to come and see me off.

You've been to those funerals. You can tell the ones where people are coming out of obligation versus the ones where people are coming because the deceased really meant something to them.

I've been feeling better ever since. My goal now is for my ex-wife to come to my funeral -- not out of obligation but because I was something positive in her life.

Now, this is where I'm confused about some of my good feelings. Two weeks ago, the holder of our second mortgage called. Then last week, the holder of our first mortgage called. STBXW has stopped making payments.

I predicted this would happen last year and have prepared myself for it.

D8 said to me on Monday that "mommy and me are broke. She says we can barely afford the house we have. We're going to end up on the street."

I told her she wouldn't end up on the street. I said her mom is a very smart woman and will figure something out and they always have me and my house to stay. They'll never end up on the street.

She asked "can mommy come stay here, too, as friends."

I said "your mom probably would go stay with grandma for a while. You'll be fine."

Another strange comment. D11 said STBXW told her she's probably never going to date again. She's told them all along she would never remarry, now she's saying she won't even date.

I don't what to make of that. I can speculate, but that's counter productive.

I just hope my good feelings aren't tied in to the fact that apparently she's struggling. At least some of it probably is.

If she was thriving, had another man in her life (at least one she's made known), was keeping up with the payments and could take the girls places, would I be turning a corner?

We all want revenge in a small way. It's tough because I always felt I wasn't the reason for her unhappiness. I thought I was the lightning rod for all of the stresses in her life.

That's the internal struggle right now. I feel I'm getting better, but is it for the right reasons?

Again, Happy Thanksgiving everyone.