One of my big fears is that I will never get over this if it doesn't work out and that I will hang on much longer than I should. I had two other serious relationships prior to meeting H. And in both of these relationships, I hung on much too long. It took me years to get over both. But I was younger then. Had a bit more time. I'm scared of being without him. And that says a lot about where I am functionally. He was going to be my forever man. Divorce is not in my value system - but since I am his third wife, I should have assumed it was in his.
I look up to you and hope to gather the strength that you have - and I hope to be able to stay or depart, whatever the case may be, lovingly.
I am sorry you feel you hung on much too long, although I do understand the feeling.
You will have the strength, you already have it, you just don't know it yet.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
He texted me back wanting to know how I knew he was in the car, wanting to know if he had been with her, So he never addressed why he lied to me - but instead puts it all back on me.
The point is, is he still seeing her?
From my point of view as a man, he's got it all. Her to have his fun with and you nice and reliable, providing in your words "all the comforts of home". Of course he is taking the path of least resistance. There is no reason for him to change.
The fact that he wants his ex back, who dumped him, the fact that he came back to you after 2 weeks, all point to the fact that your best bet is to let him go. Let him live his choice out, see how he likes it when you are not there anymore for him.
I think I really messed things up bad. H swore to me that he hadn't lied about seeing his ex yesterday and I ended up taking the blame - apologizing profusely. We took the kids to a planned concert. We communicated but I was a bit distant - still feeling like I have no idea what ground I am standing on. We got home really late and the kids were exhausted, whining, etc. H became very upset with my D because she would not brush her teeth - he even cursed at her which he has never done. I ignored his behavior and got the kids to bed. H was sprawled out on the couch, lights off, when I came downstairs. I asked if he was going to sleep on the couch and he said he just needed to unwind. I covered him and went upstairs. He came up later. D has been having nightmares - bad ones where she is still asleep and I can't console her until she finally wakes up. Had another one last night so I went to tend to her. And then I went downstairs - where I knew his phone was. And I tried to get on it. I have no clue what his password is -it was like I was a zombie just moving out of instinct. Even though he said he had not seen her, things didn't add up in my head. So I guess this morning he tried to get into his phone but since I had tried to guess his password too many times, the phone became disabled. He went off on me - saying that was the last straw. That he cared about me as a person but didn't want to live a life with me. That for the past month there have been some good times between us where I'm not asking his whereabouts, etc where he though to himself that things were really nice and maybe it could work. But after "accusing" him of lying yesterday and trying to get on the phone "that ship has sailed". I fell right back into it - I told him that yes - I was snooping - that I had no idea what he was doing with his ex. I asked if he was having an affair - his answer? "I told you I'm not going to share anything with you about my connection with her". I even begged a bit - asking him to give me one more try to show him I can stay out of his business. He said he was moving out after the holidays. I finally conceded and told him I would not stop him. That I would even help him pack. That I wanted him to be happy. That I would not stand in his way if he pursued divorce. That we could go our separate ways. He said that we would never really separate because we would co-parent our kids. I told him that I disagreed - that we would separate and just learn how to work around things for the sake of the kids. I have no idea what he thinks a divorce will really be like - his other two were quick and there were no children. Guess he thinks it will be the same.
So I'm sitting here feeling like a fool - after hearing him say that there have been times recently he was reconsidering and being told how I messed that up - geez. What do I do with that? Yes - I f-ed up. Bad. According to DR, I've continued to go down "cheese-less tunnels" and have actively been exhibiting "more of the same" behavior. I've continued to "snoop" on him regarding what I consider to be an affair but he obviously refuses to admit to. I reminded him that he has been lying to me through this entire ordeal - that we have both been hurting each other. He doesn't have much to say about that.
I just feel like I blew it all. I feel the need to take all of the blame. I'm in need of help. I feel like maybe it is too late to try to save this because of how he views me.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
Unfortunately many of us backslide. And backslide badly, and it takes awhile to recover from the damage. But you CAN. So DO it.
You have to STOP this, and you have to apologize at some point, but you don't want to grovel. It's a fine line. Make it simple. If he talks....you're going to have to listen, and TAKE IT....it might not be pleasant. But don't let it discourage you, either. It's just a snapshot of the moment, it isn't the whole ball of wax....and you CAN recover from it. People recover from these things all the time. The key is DON'T DO IT AGAIN. DON'T GIVE YOURSELF AN OUT.
Rob--this isn't what we do here. We SAVE marriages.
"I told you I'm not going to share anything with you about my connection with her"
Barb someone who is interested in reconciling a R does not talk like this.
They also if they are truly contrite about the A then they will want to prove to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that they can be trusted.
Then you trust BUT verify.
None of these is your H doing and he is now blaming you for his leaving because you don't trust him because is having an inappropriate relationship which he refuses to discuss with you?
Detach.
Let himn go.
There is nothing you can do for this right now.
Protect yourself legally, financially and emotionally and live your life like he is not coming back.
The quicker you do this the better.
All this begging and pleading for the M and him at ANY cost is not going to get you anywhere but hurt.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Yes - I f-ed up. Bad. According to DR, I've continued to go down "cheese-less tunnels" and have actively been exhibiting "more of the same" behavior. I've continued to "snoop" on him regarding what I consider to be an affair but he obviously refuses to admit to. I reminded him that he has been lying to me through this entire ordeal - that we have both been hurting each other. He doesn't have much to say about that.
Barb,
Are you ready to stop this behavior yet?
Have you allowed yourself to be hurt enough yet to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT?
I hope so...
Listen, it took me going down a cheeseless tunnel or twenty, to decide that I was only hurting myself...
He was gonna do what ever it was that he wanted, if I found out, he would make me the bad guy for snooping into his business, and he would lie...
So I never got the answers I was looking for from him and I felt like crap about myself in the end.
I can't tell you how many times I was told that he didn't believe anything that I said, when he was the one telling lie after lie.
Eventually, when I changed my behaviors, I realized that I was not the crazy one. I was not the bad one. I was not the one that had bailed on my M.
Even if I had done things I should not have. I definately touched the hot stove more times that was necessary.
In the end, I was more frustrated and angry with myself for continuing it, than I was with him for all of the crap that he pulled.
Because I let him.
My H, over the years, became very emotionally and verbally abusive. He would say horrible horrible things to me. He would get me to comply with his wishes through fear.
He was successful with this, because I allowed him to do this.
Over time, I internalized the things that he said to me, about me, internalized his moods as my fault. By the time the bomb dropped, I had become a shell of a person. I felt that I could not live without him, but I wondered why I wanted to live with him. After I finally stopped the cheeseless tunnels and began to realize my role in this (my main problem was allowing myself to be treated the way that I was), I began to change.
My interactions with my H began to change. It didn't happen overnight. It didn't make a difference in our marital situation (although he did start to see me differently) but it made a difference in me. And in made a difference in our relationship.
It took me taking the time to get to know me again. To learn to like me again. To heal myself.
Regardless of what the book tells you, what you know you shouldn't do...
Until you stop giving yourself permission to not change, you won't change.
You have to stop making excuses for yourself, finding ways to justify doing things that only hurt you.
Because the truth as I see it at this point, is that regardless of what he is doing, you are the one who is hurting you right now.
And there is only one way to stop that.
You can do this. It is your choice.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
