So scared

[barbsing1]

I think I really messed things up bad. H swore to me that he hadn't lied about seeing his ex yesterday and I ended up taking the blame - apologizing profusely. We took the kids to a planned concert. We communicated but I was a bit distant - still feeling like I have no idea what ground I am standing on. We got home really late and the kids were exhausted, whining, etc. H became very upset with my D because she would not brush her teeth - he even cursed at her which he has never done. I ignored his behavior and got the kids to bed. H was sprawled out on the couch, lights off, when I came downstairs. I asked if he was going to sleep on the couch and he said he just needed to unwind. I covered him and went upstairs. He came up later. D has been having nightmares - bad ones where she is still asleep and I can't console her until she finally wakes up. Had another one last night so I went to tend to her. And then I went downstairs - where I knew his phone was. And I tried to get on it. I have no clue what his password is -it was like I was a zombie just moving out of instinct. Even though he said he had not seen her, things didn't add up in my head. So I guess this morning he tried to get into his phone but since I had tried to guess his password too many times, the phone became disabled. He went off on me - saying that was the last straw. That he cared about me as a person but didn't want to live a life with me. That for the past month there have been some good times between us where I'm not asking his whereabouts, etc where he though to himself that things were really nice and maybe it could work. But after "accusing" him of lying yesterday and trying to get on the phone "that ship has sailed". I fell right back into it - I told him that yes - I was snooping - that I had no idea what he was doing with his ex. I asked if he was having an affair - his answer? "I told you I'm not going to share anything with you about my connection with her". I even begged a bit - asking him to give me one more try to show him I can stay out of his business. He said he was moving out after the holidays. I finally conceded and told him I would not stop him. That I would even help him pack. That I wanted him to be happy. That I would not stand in his way if he pursued divorce. That we could go our separate ways. He said that we would never really separate because we would co-parent our kids. I told him that I disagreed - that we would separate and just learn how to work around things for the sake of the kids. I have no idea what he thinks a divorce will really be like - his other two were quick and there were no children. Guess he thinks it will be the same.

So I'm sitting here feeling like a fool - after hearing him say that there have been times recently he was reconsidering and being told how I messed that up - geez. What do I do with that? Yes - I f-ed up. Bad. According to DR, I've continued to go down "cheese-less tunnels" and have actively been exhibiting "more of the same" behavior. I've continued to "snoop" on him regarding what I consider to be an affair but he obviously refuses to admit to. I reminded him that he has been lying to me through this entire ordeal - that we have both been hurting each other. He doesn't have much to say about that.

I just feel like I blew it all. I feel the need to take all of the blame. I'm in need of help. I feel like maybe it is too late to try to save this because of how he views me.