I believe I know why I am fighting the DBing approach so much. I am sure it is the way for me. But the reason for my negativity is I can not stand to see the pain in my wife. It is killing me. All the books I have read and looking towards god and praying makes me feel good. I know what helps. I can feel it. It feels good to heal. I can see her pain. I can see how tense she is when around me. She hides the pain, but I can see it, and it is bad. I could leave, but I know that is not going to help. Her problems will not just go away. The ways to start healing are there. I know,I have found them. If she would just pick up a book or look to god or something, I know her healing can start. It feels so good when you do. I know I am supposed to be focused on me, but she is my wife, and I love her and can't stand to see her in pain. I know she needs to find these things herself. It is so hard though when I have all of this in my possession and I can not give it to her. I can not help her or guide her. I pray all the time for her just to take a step. Pick up a book,the bible or any self help book, find a forum like this, anything, just take a step. Any WAW or former WAW out there. Am I wrong? Did any of you ever get anywhere or start feeling better until you took a step like this?
H-40 W-38 Together-20 Married-12 boy-7 girl-3 bomb-9/17/10 No papers live together No affair
Mach1, to answer the earlier question. There was a time not to long ago that my apology would be for our marriage. But I have gone through all the sorry's and she always says, I know you are. And I see it in her eyes that she believes me. But seeing the pain I have caused to her,myself and maybe even in the future for my kids, and even other outside family members,I seek forgiveness. Sure, I believe she has to forgive me for our marriage to get better, but at this moment, it is something different for me.
H-40 W-38 Together-20 Married-12 boy-7 girl-3 bomb-9/17/10 No papers live together No affair
What part of DBing do you feel is contradictive of God's way?
Have you not apologized for the abuse? If you haven't, then I believe that could be a stumbling block to R. But, you would need to just tell her you are sorry for the way you mistreated her......and do not get off into other things and certainly don't start suggesting what she needs to do.
Habit, I was a born again Christian and yet I backslide and got off into stuff that God sure wasn't happy about. But my heart was so resentful toward my H that the last thing I wanted to hear come out of his mouth was anything about God, Bible, Church, Christian living......you get the picture? Anybody else might could, but not likely in the manner you are thinking. That's why God often works through others or in ways that we can't take credit for (not that that's what you're trying to do). What I mean is that God can take it completely out of our hands, and still work it out.
I think you just want to fix everything, especially her. You know what she needs to do, if only she would listen. I wish I could tell you that would work. It doesn't. The last thing she probaby wants to hear is something that sounds preachy. I am basing that on how I was and what I've read about other WAW's. It is matter of the heart. God can reach her, but it may not be through you. You cannot force it. Even though it's killing you to see her in so much pain, all you can really do is to be the man that God wants you to be. He can take care of your W. Just continue to pray for her and to trust Him.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have said my apologies. Sandi2 thank you so much. I think I will reflect on your post and sit back and shut up. Mach1, my step for today is to shut up.
H-40 W-38 Together-20 Married-12 boy-7 girl-3 bomb-9/17/10 No papers live together No affair
That's really hard when you see what she needs to do, but you can, and you know where you get the power to do be able to keep silent. I think that will get positive results quicker than the other way.
If you present a "quiet spirit" to her, then I believe she will begin to relax more and feel that she can open up to you about things. It's important that you not come across as pouting or sulled.
I used to think that being a good listener was a gift, but now I believe it is a learned skill. You can do it Habit! I don't mean that as "fluff".....I mean you can do it!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hello. My weekend went as good as I could expect. Maybe even a little better if I am not reading things into this. I think this 180 stuff might be working. It has been about 3 weeks since I started doing things right. Before that I changed myself and the way I acted, but I wasn't patient enough. Letters about my changes, giving her waw book, etc. I did not see these things as persuing but I guess they were. I have done nothing in 3 weeks other than work on myself. I would not be honest if I said it was just for me. Anyway, I think I see some progress. Things like family eating dinner together has always seemed normal. It is my favorite time because it is like nothing is wrong. Afterwards playing with kids or whatever seems fine. She usually does her own thing at that time, which is ok. I think I understand what everyone means by time is on my side. The longer this can exist the more time she can have to heal if she is going to. Anytime I tried to just make everyday conversation it was o.k., but her reply's were always short and blunt. This weekend was better. Her reply's seem to be longer and she even keeps the conversation going a little bit. She doesn't seem to be avoiding it as much. At time, it almost seems like we are good friends again in really small doses. Last night she said she would like to go into work this morning a hour early to get some things done. She asked if I could take the kids to babysitter.(she usually does this). I said sure. She always says things like this - ( if you can't its ok.) I understand why she says this because I used to always complain about doing things like this. I was selfish and did not help much. I know, really stupid. Believe me, I understand why she wants to leave me, but that is a different subject. My point is at least she is asking me to do something. I see this as her showing a little trust or at least a chance for me to earn a little trust. I know,I know i am grasping to anything. I really have to watch what I say though. Friday evening she put up the x-mas tree and I went outside and hung some lights. Later, I stood in the front yard and took a look at the house. When I went inside I told her, The decorations look pretty good except the tree is not centered in the window. Oops. I knew right away how she took it. It was criticizing her and what she did. Even though I honestly did not mean it that way. Have to always watch what I say even if no bad intentions were meant. I hope that is the smallest mistake I make. I hope I can keep this up. I have to have patience which has not been easy for me in the past. I hope little things which I think I see happening keep occuring, because I see them as results and that is something I really need. It helps me keep going. I often think how she is acting now might just be fake just to make the day easier. I have came to the conclusion though, that if it is fake at least she is doing something. Maybe in time she will see how it is now, or how I am now, isn't fake and it could just be real for her. What I wish I could do better though is give her more space. I want to be with the kids all the time now. I take them places on weekends and stuff, but as for every evening I am home,and it is cold out now and it is dark by 5:30. It is hard to take kids outside just to get out of the house for a little while. I was almost never home before this happened. That is why it is hard for me to accept that doing what I did before will help anything. I have some major hobby's that only happen from april till september. She dropped the bomb on Sept.17. 2 days before my 40th birthday. Now it is winter and I need to give her space, but I don't have much to do. The last thing I need is another hobby. My summertime hobby is way to time consuming already.
H-40 W-38 Together-20 Married-12 boy-7 girl-3 bomb-9/17/10 No papers live together No affair
