I think its over help pls

[Truegritter]

She wants to do so before xmass i asked for after.

This is what YOU want so just STFU on that right now. She knows.

you go and do what you need to I can not change how you feel you know what I really want, but I just ask for after xmass.

Great start. Lousy finish.

Let me tell you what she is hearing from you.

"I WANT WHAT I WANT WHAT YOU WANT DOESN'T MATTER."

Just validate right now. Doesn't mean you agree.

Read Bworl's post on Habitacker's thread here in Newcomers. It can't be explained any better than that what I am saying here it is:

When our spouse walks away, we enter a form of desperation. We will do anything to initiate contact, open communication, be in the same place, etc.

She needs space. She wants space. When you try to engage her in a discussion, particularly one so meaningful as one of admitting wrong and asking for forgiveness, you appear to be pushing your agenda on her. No matter how well meaning - and let's be honest, at least part of the motivation for this is to appeal for leniency and clemency in the hope that she will reconsider her current path - the impression we send is that OUR needs and desires are more important than hers.

I understand your thinking. I thought the same way back in that day. But the truth is that this conversation will not suddenly transport you back to a life together. At best she would accept your words right now and continue on her path.

At worst she will feel pressured and her feelings disregarded and you will lose credibility with her.

The hardest thing to finally accept and grasp in the heat of this crisis is that there is ultimately only one thing that YOU can control.

You.

Nothing you say is going to win for you what you most want to win.

Actions still speak more loudly than words. Consistency, even in her separateness, is still an attractive and valued commodity for her.

Read this as many times as you need to.

She still has not straight up asked for a Divorce

This is good BUT you do not control it so don't let the fear of it control you.

I do not know if exposing or not is worthwhile I am being strongly encouraged on another forum to do so

I have great respect for some of those folks and I am sorry they have chosen not to be here.

I can tell you that in my case it did not work and in hindsight if it had I don't think that would have been the right thing for my W to come back when I was still spinning and wanting her back at ANY cost.

It also can build bigger obstacles on the path back to reconciliation if that happens.

A good thing to keep in my is why you are doing something. What is your goal?

Your ultimate goal. If it serves you in that endeavor then think hard about your decisions and act. From a place of strength.

Look at what YOU control. You can build a smooth path back to you or a really hard and bumpy one.

In any event she will not step toward you down that path until she decides to do that.

Would you rather her come back to you because of fear and shame?

Or

Because she desires to be with you because of who you are.

Get busy on the WHO you ARE part.