Fix me, fix my life, win back my wife

[ScaredinCanada]

Thanks Truegritter, you sound like Yoda in those first couple of lines.

I want to let my W and my mother work it out, it's just that right now my W has no interest in talking to her at all. I spoke to my mother last night as I had to tell her that things are really difficult right now and that my W is very upset/angry at the sitch. So I've let them know that they are not invited to D2's birthday this weekend. It was hard to do, but I know at this point it must be done.

My mother took it very well, she was calm and rational and she actually explained that she understood that working on myself and my W working on herself needed to come first. She's found happiness, and no longer harbours any negative feelings towards my W. Obviously my W doesn't believe this, and thinks she's playing games.

At some point the 2 of them need to talk, I'm just not sure how that is going to happen - and I fear that if it doesn't it WILL BE the undoing of my marriage.

I know that my W has been hurt by my mother over the years both intentionally and implied, and even though it's late I'm trying to support her fully now.

I don't bash either of them to one another, the only change I've tried to make is to agree with my W that my mother has hurt her.

Oh I fully agree that we've both allowed it to continue. My W has complained to me a number of times over the years about things my mother has done or said, with the intention that I am supposed to deal with it, and obviously some of those times I should have dealt with it - but didn't. Also, at times my W should have stood upto my mother and spoke honestly about her feelings.

The next step will be Christmas - do I just assume that as a family we won't see my parents over the holidays? Do I work over the next 3-4 weeks to try and get my W and mother to talk and resolve the tension that remains? I was really hopeing that would come out at counselling that my W needs to "deal with the issues she has with my mother" instead of avoiding them for the rest of her life.

I don't truly believe that she wishes she dated other people, I think it's just a result of a lot of negative feelings. Feeling lost, hurt and angry. She wants to believe that she could have made a better choice, a choice where there would be unconditional love all around. I think that's probably a normal reaction. The reality is that we didn't exactly have the optimal family support systems on either side to nurish a positive and happy relationship. I think we both "needed" each other to help fill other gaps in our life. Again, that was a LONG LONG time ago. 2 marriages (1 that was called off and 1 where we actually got married), a dog, 2 houses and 3 daughters have been the result hardwork and commitment to each other.

I know I've failed miserably as a H over the last number of years, but I am changing for the better. I believe in myself, and I believe in my W and my M. I know this can work because I love her and I do care about her. I know I can find happiness, and I know we can be happy together.

At first I wanted my M back at any cost, but I'm starting to realize that it needs to be on my terms as well. She needs to be commited to the kids and me forever - not untl she finds something better.

She sees the man I am becoming everyday - and she continully tells me to stop. She says that's not the man I am and who she knows. Heck I can't even say "Thanks for dinner" when she makes dinner now without her rolling her eyes at me! I mean come on, I wasn't that bad. I was just inconsistant, and unthoughtful at times. I realize that, and that's not the PERSON I want to be...regardless if I am still a H or not.

It is for me. I am the only person that can make positive changes for me.

1) Keep going to the gym, focus on improving my self-worth.
2) Continue to play hockey every week.
3) Spend quality time with my daughers.
4) Avoid the distractions.
5) Get to bed early, being tired makes me irritable.
6) Goto counselling.
7) Start cooking classes in the new year.
8) Stay positive, be thoughtful, and find happiness.