I had a 'lesbian' experience with a girlfriend when I was 12 years old.
It's been a source of shame, fear and confusion for me.
I always told myself that if Monkey and I divorced, I'd explore my sexual orientation and see if I would be happier with a woman. Once we separated, I very quickly realized that I truly was only interested in men. Once I was aware that I could actually really go out and search for a woman to date, I realized I really didn't want to. The difference between thinking and doing was huge. And when doing actually became a possibility, I realized that thinking was all I would ever do! Make sense?
I realized that my experience when I was 12 was very confusing and shameful for me and that I had dealt with it by saying that if things didn't work out with my husband, I could always become a lesbian.
I realize this was just an escape fantasy for me. I've put it aside. But what I hadn't been able to put aside was the confusion and fear that I felt.
Reading your posts and the responses has really helped me.
Especially where Underdog said:
Having a lesbian relationship with another woman does not make you a lesbian. You were drawn toward a woman in an intimate fashion because of your past and because of your associations between men and hurt. It was a natural progression to have a sexual relationship with her.
I'm feeling some guilt from this for you. Please, please don't waste another minute of your time feeling guilty for wanting intimacy and a bond with another person and reaching out for it.
We all need caring and touch. Your need was filled by someone who was in a position to offer you both. There is no shame in that, Kitti.
Being a lesbian means that you are programmed to sexual interest in another woman. Does being around women make you feel this way? I'm ASSuming not--the timing was more of an issue than a burning need for a relationship with a woman.
What she says here makes a whole bunch of sense to me. And I believe I can let go of that fear and confusion for my 'exploration' when I was 12.
Thank you for sharing what I could not.
Happy Tears.
Hugs and Love to you, Kitti.
Thank you very much...
Last edited by Phoenix_In_Bloom; 12/17/0302:29 PM.
i cannot put into words the overwhelming feeling of support from all of you.
i want to address each and every one of you, but with a house full of sickies (yes including now me, and my husband) it's virtually impossible for me to sit at the computer to type without someone calling
i didn't want any of you worrying tho. it sounds like a lot that has gone on in my life, and it has, but i have gotten over lots of it
but in dealing with my sitch now, i can see how all the aspects played a part in what happened now, and instead of focusing on the past, i need to find solutions for the future
{{{bb board}}}
you all are the greatest, and i will be responding to each and everyone of you personally, thank you so much
I think you can both safely feel with conviction that your sexual experiences with women do not make you oriented to women. So take heart, ladies (and men, if you are out there)--that you know who you are through the cloud of confusion.
One of my best childhood friends is lesbian and one of my best adult friends is gay. They've both taught me well here, and I'll share what they've indicated is the orientation clincher with you.
Each of us is oriented toward one or the other. Sure, we can have experiences with both, but we feel true passion and desire for just one. People can tell me until they are blue in the face that they are bi-sexual, but the fact is this: if given a choice, they WOULD pick one over the other.
My gay friend asked me a question early on in our friendship. He said, "UD, when you were in high school, did you look around the lunchroom and tell yourself that you were in love with your girl friend Shari and long to go out with her in an intimate fashion? Or did you look across the table at Nick--the guy who interested you beyond belief?"
Uh, it was Nick--hands down for me. He told me his plight.
"Well, I felt that way about Nick too. But society told me to imagine myself with Shari. Could you imagine being me?"
I can honestly say that I couldn't. Yes, I might have really been a very close friend of Shari's. And if we had wound up exploring sexually with each other, that would not change things.
So both of you take some time to cherish yourselves (Soup, I love that word). The women you are today are a sum of those experiences and they do not define who you really are. The loving and caring women you are is a much more accurate label for you.
This fear is understandable, but not something that should control either one of you any longer. Let it go!
Big bear hugs.
Underdog
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I'm so sorry to hear that the "bug" is still reeking havoc on you and your family and I pray (something I'm usually not prone to do) that you won't have to endure the misery for much longer and all will end up well for the holidays!
I'm afraid at this time I'm just repeating what all the others before me had already said, in that by sharing your darkest thoughts won't make any of us think any less of you, but even more. Kitti, you're a very wonderful and special lady for whom I now I have a greater respect for.
Yea this is scary stuff you are facing, but ironically, by finding it within you to share it with us tell me you will also find it within you to work it out so it will no longer have any hold on you.
i want to thank everyone again for their most awesome support. i am sorry it took me so long to get back to each and everyone of you, but today is the first day i can really just sit here on this computer to type out any reply that makes sense
number one son is feeling better, his cough is much better finally - number two son, well he went back to school last thursday and spent the night over a friends house last night, so he is better. daughter was MISERABLE this weekend, but today, she is chipper, albeit still a runny nose, but no high fever - ended up taking her to the dr on friday, double ear infection - ugh
thank you one and all - you are priceless people - and please keep in mind, i am NOT CURED YET, so there may be more questions in the future, and dealings with this self discovery
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tal - Now the challenge is to love that person you are today and be comfortable in your own skin! - ah yes, that is the challenge of a lifetime eh? i guess in true self discovery you have to really come to the bear bones truth about yourself before you can go on to make it better, just like in any 12 step program, hehe - i am on my way!!!
sage - ah yes, the pinnacle of my existance has just come into being - i have finally become an inspriation to my own mentor! LOL
pam - always the sunshine, thank you sweetie - thanks for the continuing pick me up - and for always reminding me about the positives, i promise, they will begin again, sick kids really tie you down...ugh
lostlove - i fear yes that my situation is not uncommon - that is what scares the HELL out of me for my daughters sake, but there are things i am doing that my mother never did with me, that my sister never did with me, that i am trying desperately for her not to live the life i had to. actually, i think i have gained more here in the last few months on this board then i could ever do in counciling - really, i am about solutions, not about the past, so i tend not to think in those terms. i just had, how do they say - an epiphany? now i see how it all ties together, and since i see that, i now know the direction i need to take
underdog - really didn't want to bring anyone to tears, just wanted to bring out into the open the steps that got me where i am today, and if anyone has ideas to share, then i wanted them - make me think - my thinking tends to be so onesided so i wanted other opinions - you said you know that I'm the straight chick with mostly gay friends - that just brought a recollection that i didn't bring up in my story
that is the way my life was also, until i met my present husband who is terribly homophobic. in retrospect, i guess i felt very safe around gay guys (didn't have many lesbian friends) and that is why i ventured into thier world. in fact, when i owned my tinting business i was next door to a gay couple who is still trying to legalize thier marriage in the hawaiian legal system. i felt very comfortable with them, and they were very sensitive to my needs without being sexual...hmmm...more thinking on this one
Being a lesbian means that you are programmed to sexual interest in another woman. Does being around women make you feel this way? ooo, this is a loaded question, the jury is still out in my mind whether or not "gayness" is ingrained or learned - and there are times, i have to admit, that there is a definite sway in my emotions that living and being with women would be a happier life for me. but i have also made the concious decision that i will not bring my daughter in that environment (what she does when she is 18 is her decision) so i have to my knowledge "supressed" those feelings
i know in my heart that my husband brings forth those natural desires, i actually yearn for him, but the longer i go without the more these other thoughts creep into my mind. i will want to venture into this further, but i want to answer everyone's post here first. don't give up on my yet ud
chl - wow - a guy shedding tears. ya know, i was really curious the take a man would have on this revelation, thank you so much for being kind and reminding me it wasn't my fault. i have gone past the whole blame thing many moons ago, but just the reconciling i have in regards to my r with present husband, this is where i am having the most difficulty - and actually, i have been feeling better since i got this out in the open, just look at the outpouring of support - that alone was worth it, and maybe with more talking that i do, i will be able to find more answers
t2 - ah, my guardian angel. well you already know how i feel about the whole professional counciling thing, so we wont go there, but i have to let you know that this brought tears As to your H's A, it seems to take on a different view now that you have 'told all.' I certainly don't mean to give your H a pass..NOT AT ALL...but, I can see where his confusion over your confusion may have made him seek out affirmation of his desirability as a man. - i have wrestled with this on more than one occasion since the bomb, and this hurts because i love this man with all my heart and desire him more than any other person i have ever desired in all my life.
opt - wow, brave and valor, actually i never considered those attributes about myself, but in retrospect, i feel you may be right. why would a person who has been thru this all want to fight for a marriage? simply, because she loves the man
jeannine - again sad to think that others have experienced similar situations, and yet, know there are those that have had it way worse than even i - yes, underdog handled the response right and actually i want to delve further into some of these issues at another time - but that is for another day
blair - thank you for stopping by my thread, funny you should mention the movie "rudy" - i just watched that about 2 weeks ago, what a great movie for self motivation and getting your dreams eh? despite all of my many problems in growing up, i have always been a listener to motivational speakers, i really think i have it in me to be a very successful person, but something is always holding me back (maybe myself?) - but i am not gonna let that happen in 2004 - that is gonna be my year
holdingon - thank you for your support, i think you are right when you said i think you need to find someone to talk to - i do to, not so much a councilor but just a friend - someone like you all, but someone i can speak to face to face
deb - my db inspiration!!! yes, it even surprised me when the words came out of my mouth on day one of the bomb - i think we can work this out - he looked at me like i was crazy, and that night i had to wonder who in the world was that person that said that??? LOL
rachel - i am gonna have to go back over some of your older threads to see where you came from, i know you and i have shared some similarities in our sitches and i always gain insight from someone elses experiences - thank you for the support
cathy - my DETACHEMENT mentor!!! LOL - thank you always for your support!!!
pib - i am having a bit of a harder time with my confusion on the whole thing. you see, i came very close to living that life as an adult, and with all that has happened with my husband since then, those thoughts come back. and they come back strong. ugh, it's so hard to talk about eh? i am happy that you have come to grips with your fears head on, my future is not so certain
kaw - i sure hope your right that by sharing these most darkest things of my life that they will no longer have any hold on me. that remains to be seen. thank you tho my friend for your support
Kitti, So sorry you and your family have been sick. I hope you are all better for the Holidays. I had an emergency appendectomy saturday, so I've been off the BB too. I'm ok, but I'm movin' pretty slow. More about what's happening on my thread. Please know I'm here anytime you want to talk. I've been down the road your traveling, and it's not an easy one. The best part is that you've broken the silence that's held you captive for so long. It's a powerful step for you to take. I applaud your bravery. You and your children will all benefit from you breaking this cycle now. It stops here with you Kitty. Merry Christmas friend! Rachael
Make sense?
