Lost and Confused

[Chrysalid]

Yesterday I bounced a loan payment.. not intentionally, my husband was 'supposed' to put his share of the loan into the joint account. We're a bit financially strapped right now so I don't have enough to have a buffer to cover bounced items. Anyway, he mails me the day the payment is due claiming he can't afford to pay me for half the household expenses.

He is in the mind set that I 'owe' him because he helped me out in the early stages of our marriage, although I keep reminding him that it is his decision to leave and we no longer have a future together so I don't feel like I should continue to support him. I've been paying the majority of the bills for over a year while he is getting the business off the ground and I can't do it any more, I can't make sacrifices anymore for his well being. As his wife and someone who still loves him I don't want to see him struggle but at the same time I need to protect myself and why should I help him be a success if he has no intention of being with me ?

I told him I needed to see all his personal accounts, I need to see all his comings and goings before I decide to 'help' him out at all for the next few months. He came home late, he forgot his financial information and he basically ignored me.. I don't know whether he's hiding something but I tried to talk to him about it.. rationally.. unfortunately the conversation turned to R talk.. and it ended badly, with him saying that there is no chance for reconciliation because he doesn't love me.

I couldn't sleep all night, when I got up for work this morning I was SO angry.. which I've been trying hard for months to bury. I didn't care if I woke him up, I didn't sneak around the house , I didn't quiet any of my actions.. I wanted to SCREAM.. I don't know if I'm at the anger stage of the breakup but I just feel like I'm being taken advantage of.. I feel like I'm pining for this man who isn't worth it, who has no regard for my feelings and who has pushed me away for months. I want to yell at him and tell him I hate him and I want him out of my life and my house. I want to yell at him how naive i think he is being regarding his 'female friend'..how I think she's a predator and he's a gullible idiot for spending as much time with her as he has been because she clearly has ulterior motives. I'm so angry that he has been planning this separation for a year but only a month ago let me know about it and I'm trying to pick up the pieces right now.. he's already made his decision and I'm still trying to come to terms with it and he has absolutely no regard for my feelings.

Is this normal ? I'm now questioning if I can do this, if he's worth still fighting for. I thought I was having a breakthrough.. I guess I shouldn't have expected much in only a few weeks of me trying to make changes.

I feel like I'm in a precarious position because I don't want him to resent me for not being able to help him but at the same time I can't let myself be used. I can't push him into a successful business that I helped support him through and I'm left in the dust... but I can't help but think if we reconcile it's my future too..

what to do ?