I think its over help pls

[ShockedOne]

But she is claiming to have been unhappy for years.

Pure script. Everyone on here has heard it on multiple occassions. Believe nothing you are told from a WAW, and only believe half of the actions you actually see.

[Bworl]

All the focus is on what SHE is doing and what YOU want.


Ass backwards my friend.


And I'm not completely buying the "she always said things were fine" routine. I've been there. It's the quick and easy answer when we get caught blindsided and have our hearts ripped out.


You were her husband. Tell me that when you first fell in love you relied on asking her to tell if she was unhappy or not. Go ahead, try and tell me that.


She's sending you messages right now. They say

...leave me alone
...I want to go my own way
...I don't want to be here right now


And you stand in opposition to all those messages, wanting to convince her that you can change. The message you are actually sending is that you don't respect what she says to you, her feelings are not as important as yours, and what you want should trump what she wants.


I'm not suggesting affairs and leaving a marriage are a choice that people should be allowed to make without consequence. But you're responding to her wrong decisions with words that reinforce her dissatisfaction with you.



You don't make yourself attractive to another by sending the message that you are more important than they are.


More importantly, all this focus on her and winning her back is energy that should be focused on you and the things you CAN change.



It's not the magical cure, but it is the most effective use of your time right now.


If she leaves, she leaves. You can't stop her even though you want to.



Put your efforts where they can bear some fruit.


Blessings,

Bill

[blue2010]

And I'm not completely buying the "she always said things were fine" routine. I've been there. It's the quick and easy answer when we get caught blindsided and have our hearts ripped out.


You were her husband. Tell me that when you first fell in love you relied on asking her to tell if she was unhappy or not. Go ahead, try and tell me that.


Ok I do need to address this. My W and I were friends long before lovers. And yes when we first fell in love I would need to ask if she was happy with this or that or a situation. She is a very "shy quiet type" she is not outwardly expressive with emotions and expressions and she can be very straight faced about things. Obviously happy when laughing yes but everyday things she keeps a reserved face. When something is truly wrong I can tell. But at the same time I was under the misperception that the words coming out of her mouth meant what was said and not an obscure hint at something else. Because since when does can you help clean this up = I am unhappy with our marriage and I am going to find happiness somwhere else. Thats a sample of some of her statements the fog ??? I don't know.

[OfficerInNeed]

Because some of the folks have had a great deal of success ending their spouses affair by outing the affair. What may not have told you is they haven't repaired their marriage. It is rarely part of the repair the marriage/bring more love into your marriage.

Don't you want your wife to really really love you? I know you do. I know you feel hopeless and want to cling to ANYTHING, because these guys so strongly pursuade you to man up and do that...and Michele herself isn't on this board.

If you out her, you will need a very strong arsenal of love to bring her back.

Why not protect her, find a way to get her back...because she's into you. I know you are worthy. I KNOW you can do this!

YOU are the man. You have loved her longer and better than anyone, and instincively, YOU know what has gone wrong. YOU ARE MAN ENOUGH to fix it without ratting her out.

This is not necessarily true. I exposed my W's affair and had great success. I was careful who I exposed to but I did indeed combat the affair.

Me and my W have since then reconciled and she had told me that exposing her affair crushed the fantasy she had for OM and brought her back to reality.

Now my W is an HUGE advocate for marriage. Our R is now the best it has ever been in our 11 years.

I honestly feel that if I did not expose my W's affair it would still be going on today and I would still be living in a world of hurt and heart ache but fortunately I/We are as happy as we had ever been in our R/M.

We now attend church regularly together. We read devotionals together. We attend Retrouvaille regularly, life is just so much better.

[Rob1971]

. But she is claiming to have been unhappy for years.

Just to show you how script this is. My W has said everything from "I've never been happy" to "I've not been happy for the last 2 years" Hmm choose a timeframe..

You may not be perfect, heck no one is, that also includes your W. At least half of this situation is on her. Think about that before you start blaming yourself for everything.

[blue2010]

I do not know if exposing or not is worthwhile I am being strongly encouraged on another forum to do so. The only ones to tell are the grandparents. The social network is small mostly mine and wouldn't care her coworkers don't know me. Night shift. They do not do employee functions.
Well we just talked she started the conversation I remained calm throughout she got upset. She says she found a place she can move to a temp place. She wants to do so before xmass i asked for after. She wanted to discuss budget I asked not know she started anyway I said as little as possible because I knew It would cause a disagreement. She disagreed she got upset. Then went the total 180 and said fine whatever you want acting irrational. I told her she knows what I want, I had my hand on hers she did not pull away. My final statement to her and an apartment was ...you go and do what you need to I can not change how you feel you know what I really want, but I just ask for after xmass.
I am a terrible liar so she asked me if I have seen a lawyer and I admitted the truth of yes it was at my councillors recommendation. She got very upset over this I told her it was for information only and that I do not want a D repeating also that I ask she stay through the holidays.

She says she is tired of the tension between us.

Can a seperation actually lead to reconcilliation?

I tried to avoid the talking this morning but that made her more upset so I went with the conversation.

She still has not straight up asked for a Divorce. I am avoiding the words seperation and Divorce.

[blue2010]

Last post timed out for edit. My social network would care about what I was going through but It would not put pressure on her. Her dad would probably disown her and her Mom who knows the reaction.
So as it has been mentioned I think not exposing would be better.

Does anyone here have an opinion on No contact letters OM spouse was going to present this to OM he is supposedly done with my W. And committing to his M.

[OfficerInNeed]

In our sitch, my W's affair was happening in her work place so I exposed to co-workers. It was then no longer a big secrete.

I made the decision to NOT expose the affair to my family because I knew it would be that much harder to reconcile after and get them to accept it.

For me there are different levels of exposer. I only went as far as exposing to co-workers and OMW. In some cases there is not a OMW but at the very least I think the cheating spouse should know that you know what is going on and will not stand for it. The cheating spouse will get angry and will deny but as my W put it - it became that much harder to carry on the affair knowing that I knew and would do what it take to end it. My W always said and truly I did not care for her but when I stood up to the affair she for once felt as if I did.

[Truegritter]

She wants to do so before xmass i asked for after.

This is what YOU want so just STFU on that right now. She knows.

you go and do what you need to I can not change how you feel you know what I really want, but I just ask for after xmass.

Great start. Lousy finish.

Let me tell you what she is hearing from you.

"I WANT WHAT I WANT WHAT YOU WANT DOESN'T MATTER."

Just validate right now. Doesn't mean you agree.

Read Bworl's post on Habitacker's thread here in Newcomers. It can't be explained any better than that what I am saying here it is:

When our spouse walks away, we enter a form of desperation. We will do anything to initiate contact, open communication, be in the same place, etc.

She needs space. She wants space. When you try to engage her in a discussion, particularly one so meaningful as one of admitting wrong and asking for forgiveness, you appear to be pushing your agenda on her. No matter how well meaning - and let's be honest, at least part of the motivation for this is to appeal for leniency and clemency in the hope that she will reconsider her current path - the impression we send is that OUR needs and desires are more important than hers.

I understand your thinking. I thought the same way back in that day. But the truth is that this conversation will not suddenly transport you back to a life together. At best she would accept your words right now and continue on her path.

At worst she will feel pressured and her feelings disregarded and you will lose credibility with her.

The hardest thing to finally accept and grasp in the heat of this crisis is that there is ultimately only one thing that YOU can control.

You.

Nothing you say is going to win for you what you most want to win.

Actions still speak more loudly than words. Consistency, even in her separateness, is still an attractive and valued commodity for her.

Read this as many times as you need to.

She still has not straight up asked for a Divorce

This is good BUT you do not control it so don't let the fear of it control you.

I do not know if exposing or not is worthwhile I am being strongly encouraged on another forum to do so

I have great respect for some of those folks and I am sorry they have chosen not to be here.

I can tell you that in my case it did not work and in hindsight if it had I don't think that would have been the right thing for my W to come back when I was still spinning and wanting her back at ANY cost.

It also can build bigger obstacles on the path back to reconciliation if that happens.

A good thing to keep in my is why you are doing something. What is your goal?

Your ultimate goal. If it serves you in that endeavor then think hard about your decisions and act. From a place of strength.

Look at what YOU control. You can build a smooth path back to you or a really hard and bumpy one.

In any event she will not step toward you down that path until she decides to do that.

Would you rather her come back to you because of fear and shame?

Or

Because she desires to be with you because of who you are.

Get busy on the WHO you ARE part.

[blue2010]

I did catch the who cares what I want attitude from her and I expressed it was for the kids. I the later nicely said something to the effect of well I cannot change how you feel so if that is what you need to do then I guess that's the way it has to be.
I am trying to avoid true seperation and D talk.only addressing what she starts talking about.