Well, kitti, that is a very long post indeed... It needs several reads to digest and lots of thinking.
Honey, in a first read the thing that struck me most was how ABSOLUTELY BRAVE you are. I do not mean brave because you told us (though that takes courage). I mean brave because not only you have survived such a set of horrible childhood experiences to become a beautiful and caring person, but also you have chosen to stay and fight for your M and reclaim your life. That is valor, indeed.
Many people would just run and hide... You have all my respect for your courageous stance.
That said, I agree with T2 that you may need some professional help, or at least something a bit more organized that reading... And I am way out of my depth here in what to advise, maybe Sage will know something more precise.
But I am here, to support you, as are all of us
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
My mind went into 'pause' after reading your post.
Some of the experiences you had hit a little close to home.
Not for me so much as for my sister.
I've been dealing with her issues for many years and have had to watch her suffer through so much.
My sister has had to live most of her life within the boundries of Multiple Personality Disorder.
So naturally, when you wrote your post in the third person, it spoke volumes to me as she too speaks of herself in that fashion from time to time. Pain is pain, no matter what form it ultimately uses to express itself.
By the way, she is one of my most favorite people in the world.
As you can clearly see, people here think no less of you.
Actually, it appears that many have acquired an even greater respect and affection for you since reading your 'post'.
I believe that you have taken a very important step toward reassembling a more comfortable life for yourself.
And as for the issue of sexual orientation - well, I think that Underdog covered it well and I applaude her comments.
Kitty, I want to commend you for your courage in facing these tough issues. You started out life with a handicap with all of this stuff that has happened to you. While handicaps certainly are challenging, they create great opportunities. I am a big fan of Rudy Ruettiger, the real guy from the movie "Rudy". Once I went to see him and he was on the speaking bill with a man by the name of John Foppe. John was born without arms. His attitude is inspirational--- that's why he's now an inspirational speaker. His handicap crested a big opportunity for him to inspire others. Many do not understand these relationship oriented handicaps but we here understand. I was at Michelle's Guerilla Divorce Busting speech in Washington at the 2002 Smartmarriages convention. She said something that applies here. She said that therapists often tell people about all the statistics against the reconciliation of their marriage. She emphacised that the statistics come true IF the people don't change, emphacizing the positive and upsetting the statistics. My point is that I think you come to the board with a very positive attitude to upset the "conventional" thinking that the "solution" to your problem is to get a divorce and make the pain go away for today. I was very fortunate. I grew up in a normal family where I was supported and praised. I learned early that a positive attitude often makes the seemingly inpossible come true. I think that beating the low self esteem thing will beat the divorce culture. Can you do it - YES. In the early '60s I learned this poem from a book on the great running back, Jim Brown. It goes:
If you think you are beated, you are, If you think that you can't, you won't If you like to win but don't think you can, it's almost a cinch you won't. If you think you'll lose, you're lost, For out in the world you'll find, Success begins with a fellows will, It's all in a state of mind. Life's battles don't always go to the stronger or faster man, But sooner or later the one who wins is the fellow who thinks he can.
(((((Kitti))))) So sorry I did not get to your post earlier... Honey, you ARE so brave, what a life (and I do think you need to write a BOOK, in addition to your cookbook!)
I think you can, too, like Blair said. And I think you need to find someone to talk to.
Bless you Kitti. Keep being the wonderful woman you are.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I agree that you need to talk to someone that can help you sort all this out and make you feel better about yourself.
We all have secrets we carry. But after all you have been through, I see a VERY brave lady! And what really impresses me is the fact that you want to save your M after all the things men did to you. It just proves how strong you really are!
Don't feel guilty about anything in your past, it is the present and the future that counts. I see someone who is willing to do what it takes to get past all the pain.
This doesn't in any way change how I feel about you! And I've chatted with you many times and have read what a wonderful mother you are!
There is no doubt in my mind you will be able to work through this! And know we are all here supporting you in any way we can!
Kitti, It was a huge step to share all this with us-thank you for trusting us enough. You've kept all this inside for a long time because it was not safe for you to tell anyone. When you are in an abusive sitchuation, it seems there is no one to turn to. You know something of my sitchuation-if you go back in my threads, I shared pretty much everything. The shame does not lie with the abused Kitti, it lies with the abuser. You survived the best you knew how. You are to be commended for being a loving, caring person despite your past. No doubt you've been trying to sort things out for quite awhile now. It's not an easy thing to do, but you are a SURVIVOR Kitti. I know what it took for you to break your silence. What happened to you was not in any way your fault. You've been searching for your identity, because it was stolen from you years ago. Of course you've been confused. Of course you've been searching for love. All normal for what you lived. You have people here that care about you Kitti. If you want to talk ever-just let me know. I'm here for you. Rachael
