New day Have loads of work, plan on doing some pilates later, and taking S for a swim in the afternoon
H fetched S for school, dressed all ready for camping. He wasnt as depressed looking as yesterday, but not bouncing off the walls either. Completely uninterested in anything i had to say - small talk...so I eventually just stayed quiet and happy.
Hurts when someone doesnt seem to be interested in a thing you are telling them...or at least make the effort to show some kind of politeness...but I know....I know....its not about me.
H is off to spend 3 days camping with OW showing her a good time and spending time with her. Hurts yes, but I'm actually ok, and more detached than before...accepting...accepting...accepting...
Also remembered how I felt a little guilty for going and getting myself a few new tops (not expensive - just stuff I needed). In our M I always felt guilty spending money on me, I am trying to understand why I felt this way...it was a mixture of H showing stress about finances, my not feeling I was worthy(trying to figure out if this was my problem or his contribution to my feeling like this), I used to think that he would always make me feel bad for buying something, but maybe it was just me THINKING he was dissapproving...I don't know...still muddling through it.
Anyway I don't feel too bad about it now..H is spending a week with OW probably spending lots on entertainment, so I really shouldnt feel bad about buying a couple of tops I need for the hot weather we been having.
We always had a joint bank account. When we first got married I didnt like the idea. My parents always had seperate finances, and it was just what I was used to. After much fighting I gave in, and we had one bank account, but it left me feeling COMPLETELY 'helpless' when it came to finance. I could never spoil myself without feeling guilty about it...and then I felt unworthy of being spoilt..and that knocked my self worth i think...
Just thoughts....
This is one thing I will never want to do again, in my next relationship. Finances separate..Full stop.
Have loads of work, plan on doing some pilates later, and taking S for a swim in the afternoon 