H called tonight and apologized for attributing motives to my actions - very surprising, he never apologizes for anything. I told him why I suspected OW. He said that I wasn't his friend for a long time, and she was. I told him that was his choice not to confide in me, and that confiding in someone else was inappropriate and contributed to the breakdown in our marriage.
I told him that I wasn't sure if I would ever want him back, and he said that the type of husband I wanted did not fit with who he was. I asked for details and he said he would have to think about it to make a concise answer.
I said that I wasn't sure if I wanted to go to MC anymore, and that if I went it would only be for closure (H: we are never getting back together, so that is the only reason to go). He said he would go if I would agree to conditions, the first one being no unnecessary requests, like the pesky morality clause (no overnight love interests with the kids around) that he disagrees with. We discussed that for quite a while, and he agreed I could likely get the judge to put that in the agreement, but that he would then play hardball with everything else. I told him that was his choice - not the way I wanted to play it, but I would be happy to let our lawyers run the discussions. He also told me that this could make him hate me, and that would make the next 20 years very difficult. I repeated that his emotions were his choice. I choose not to hate him for his actions, and if he makes the opposite choice that is for him to live with. I also said I would not be held to emotional blackmail - give in now only to have him threaten to hate me next week over something else. I repeated a lot that these were his choices - to get a divorce, to potentially live with another woman without marriage, to be mean in the divorce proceedings, whether to hate me - but that it was my choice to provide stability to the children.
I finally told him this was unproductive and we would not discuss any more tonight. He is coming over Sunday to pack the rest of his stuff. I never did find out what the "other" conditions were for him to go to MC. I'm not desperate enough to go that I will just agree to what he wants.
In his view, the morality clause is me trying to control his life for the next 17 years. In my view, this is me trying to instill in my kids the morals that we had agreed to teach them, whether he chose to live by them or not. I'd be interested in other opinions - am I being unreasonable in insisting on this clause?
