Well, kitti, that is a very long post indeed... It needs several reads to digest and lots of thinking.
Honey, in a first read the thing that struck me most was how ABSOLUTELY BRAVE you are. I do not mean brave because you told us (though that takes courage). I mean brave because not only you have survived such a set of horrible childhood experiences to become a beautiful and caring person, but also you have chosen to stay and fight for your M and reclaim your life. That is valor, indeed.
Many people would just run and hide... You have all my respect for your courageous stance.
That said, I agree with T2 that you may need some professional help, or at least something a bit more organized that reading... And I am way out of my depth here in what to advise, maybe Sage will know something more precise.
But I am here, to support you, as are all of us
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
