Secondly, I think your best course of action FOR YOURSELF is some professionally counseling. You talked about a great many issues here....most of which no doubt stem from you early childhood molestations. It's not a bit shocking or surprising to me that your sexual identity is confusing to you, afterall, where do you fit? How does a child's mind interpret sexual aggression? How does a child's mind translate the 'good feelings' that do take place during sex play (even to a child) How does a child evaluate themselves when they've been victimized without internalizing the quilt for having been victimized? How does a child sort out good men from bad ones when the ones closest to you, the ones with whom you should have been safe, are in fact the perpetrators of these henious assaults? How does a child decide that to protect themselves from men that perhaps a woman is 'safer'...but then how does that woman child...live with that choice when her instinctual drive is to be with a man.
As to your H's A, it seems to take on a different view now that you have 'told all.' I certainly don't mean to give your H a pass..NOT AT ALL...but, I can see where his confusion over your confusion may have made him seek out affirmation of his desirability as a man.
You have been the victim of a great tragedy, having had your childhood stolen from you and then to go on into early adulthood confused by all the mixed signals throw your way.
I wish that you could seek professional counseling, through your local mental health clinic if necessary, because you need to find YOUR answers...so that YOU will come to accept yourself for who and what you really are AND so you can find a safe place to live and be you again...free of ghosts, free of confusion...free of heartache.
