What I meant to say was, I am having a hard time separating me from my marriage
I suppose it does sound rather selfish when you think about putting yourself before your M. I don't think DBing is a selfish method but more of finding yourself once again. You know, like the man you were before M.
If you are having a difficult time separating yourself from the M, (if I'm understanding you correctly), then you may have given up your individual interests/hobbies/etc. apart from your M.
I don't think MWD is suggesting that you make yourself No. 1 over the needs of your children or to be a jerk about taking time out to something for you. But, when we can no longer be identified as an individual.....something isn't exactly right with that picture.
That was just one of the points in the message of the Women's Lib Movement. The majority of stay-at-home wives (known as housewives back in the day)were not being reconized as individuals and were constantly linked with the H. It was like whatever the H was.....identified her, as well. Too long to go into it to do justice, but that is why you don't see as many names addressed as Mrs. these days. That is when the term Ms. came effective.
So, I said all of that to say this.....it can work both ways. Today, I think they give it a fancy label and call it co-dependent. It might even help to look it up and so some reading.
I'm glad you said what you did. I can see where couples who were so devoted to each other would find it almost disloyal to go to a concert while the W & kids stayed home. I understand how odd it may seem to tell your W that you have plans for Saturday night and won't be able to keep the kids. But I also believe there is a manner in which these things can be done without being an a$$, if one wants.
Pulling back from such tight reigns on your S and getting involved in something which makes you a more interesting man, more well rounded, more enjoyable to be with......if done correctly, does not make you selfish and shouldn't be seen as holding yourself above the MR.
It must be difficult to be in so much agony right now--and trying to sort out all this new information. I would think you are struggling in a fog of your own. I think every LBS that comes to the board is exactly like you in one very basic way.....their heart is broken and their mind is not able to comprehend b/c the shock is so great.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
