Hit by truck 2 months ago

[punchy]

This is a great thread. For the past year I have been working on improving myself to try and get my wife to reconsider and start to work on rebuilding the marriage. I have only recently come to realize that as per the information on the forums, I need to make these changes for myself and not her. I now know that I never want to go back to being that person that my wife and kids had to live with up until last year. Whether or not my wife wants to ever reconsider her position is up to her. All I know is that I am a far better person than I was previously and this time next year I will be a better person than I am today.

I too have wondered about asking her all sorts of questions about the relationship etc. Based on what I have experienced over the past year, there is no benefit in doing this. If and when she is ready, she will initiate the discussion.

In the interim, hang in there and be patient. The last 12 months have been the most painful of my entire life, but each day does get a bit better. I get through each day by approaching it as an opportunity to keep improving on who I am as a human being. Until you can honestly say that you love yourself and who you are, you cannot expect anyone else to love you.

[Mach1]

Thank you for the support. I have written her a letter about what is going on inside me and what I have learned about myself. MC thought if it was just about me, it would not come across persuing. I have decided not to give it to her and trust the DBing. It is hard though. I want to talk to my best friend,my wife.

Good, now run your monitor through the shredder....

I guess maybe I have doubts about her being a waw. Everything says she is, but I still have small doubts. She is a really special person. What I mean is, she is not like most.
What I am getting at is what if she is an exception to the rule? Or not a waw?

It doesn't really matter too much right now. The work that needs to be done is on yourself. Detach, GAL, and really look at yourself.

She is not the type to come to me to talk. She is not the type to go to anyone and talk. Nobody knows about our situation. She has said her private life is nobody else's business. I know this is a lot of the reason we are in this situation now. She is very hard to communicate with. Actually, she is easy to communicate with but she will not initiate it. This really scares me because she may want to talk but wont.

To be honest, you really don't know what she is capable of right now. You never thought she could or would do this. It usually doesn't pay dividends to assume you know anything about her.

That much can cause you to "assume" your way through conversations with her, and hinder your validation of her feelings.

I understand the waw needs tons of patience from me. But what if she is waiting or needing a small push. I know this goes against everything but is it a possibility, understanding my wife, she would not come to talk to anyone very easily about any thing personal.

You answered your own question there....

Can I tell her if she ever wants to talk about anything i am listening?

You can show her...

Can I ask her if she would like to know what I have discovered about myself?

After the subsequent removal of your tongue....

Before that ?

Not a good idea.

Can I thank her for getting my attention through such a courageous act. Thank her for not tolerating my unloving behavior any longer and sending me on a course of learning to be a better husband and father.

Sure, just not right now. You can, just not an act that you move you closer to your goals. Most WA's will view this as a lame attempt to manipulate your way back in the door.

What I am really asking is, if she needs a little push, how ever so slightly could i do this?

DB.....

Work toward your goals...
Work on yourself...
GAL...
180's...
Stop going down cheeseless tunnels...


These tools are for you...

[habitacker]

I know you are right. I am still pretty new at this. I am getting better. I have made all the beginner mistakes, pursuing,begging etc. I think I wasted the first 2 months. She actually never said those dreaded words, I WANT A DIVORCE, until 2 weeks ago when I pushed her for answers. Now that she has actually said them it almost feels like it is easier for her to let go.
I really feel pretty good about my changes. A lot more work to do though. I really wish I could share my good feeling with her but I will just have to see if she notices.
It still bugs me though that she is not the type of person to initiate any conversation about things like this. I know this is one of our biggest problems that I now see. Her holding everything inside is one of the reasons we are where we are. No problems were realized, and everything built up to this. I know I did not communicate well either, but I, a typical husband, did not see it until I got, as the thread title says, Hit by a truck.

[habitacker]

Thanks Mach1. I keep trying to slip out of DBing. Every time I get an answer or reply on this forum it is keeping me from bailing on this. I need to have faith in it and quit thinking it might be the wrong approach. This is it, my last shot. I just do not want it to be the wrong one.
I do know that it is the right choice for me. But I am still having the battle in my mind of puting my marriage number 1, or me number 1.
What I meant to say was, I am having a hard time separating me from my marriage and everything that goes with it. That is what I want, and I can not figure out anything else I want other than that at this moment.
It is hard to GAL when I always had one away from my family. To many huge hobbies. But I have not been happy. I wanted to be closer to my wife and family but did not know how. Now that I do, that is the GAL that I wish to have.

[Mach1]

She actually never said those dreaded words, I WANT A DIVORCE, until 2 weeks ago when I pushed her for answers.

What does this tell you ?


Habit, it's gonna pay a bigger dividend for you to wonder about the things YOU can change about yourself.....

What has happened in the past is where it belongs....

Take steps for you now...

To be better in the future...

[MrBond]

"I wanted to be closer to my wife and family but did not know how."

In my sitch when I wasn't with my W and kids, I dug into several relationship books as well as DR to help me re-establish or learn to re-establish a healthy relationship with them. For me, GAL was a period of learning as well as doing.

[habitacker]

Thanks Mach1. I know. Just have to put it in my mind and keep it there.
Hey, I get to sit at the table with my family every night,I get to give my kids baths and read to them, and I get to tell my wife goodnight every night and sometimes she even smiles.
And it could be worse. She did not try to find someone else.
MrBond, That is exactly what I have been doing. Actually probably to much of it. My problem is I learn all this great stuff about our R and myself and I want to use it. I find something so inspirational I want to run to her with it.

[sandi2]

What I meant to say was, I am having a hard time separating me from my marriage

I suppose it does sound rather selfish when you think about putting yourself before your M. I don't think DBing is a selfish method but more of finding yourself once again. You know, like the man you were before M.

If you are having a difficult time separating yourself from the M, (if I'm understanding you correctly), then you may have given up your individual interests/hobbies/etc. apart from your M.

I don't think MWD is suggesting that you make yourself No. 1 over the needs of your children or to be a jerk about taking time out to something for you. But, when we can no longer be identified as an individual.....something isn't exactly right with that picture.

That was just one of the points in the message of the Women's Lib Movement. The majority of stay-at-home wives (known as housewives back in the day)were not being reconized as individuals and were constantly linked with the H. It was like whatever the H was.....identified her, as well. Too long to go into it to do justice, but that is why you don't see as many names addressed as Mrs. these days. That is when the term Ms. came effective.

So, I said all of that to say this.....it can work both ways. Today, I think they give it a fancy label and call it co-dependent. It might even help to look it up and so some reading.

I'm glad you said what you did. I can see where couples who were so devoted to each other would find it almost disloyal to go to a concert while the W & kids stayed home. I understand how odd it may seem to tell your W that you have plans for Saturday night and won't be able to keep the kids. But I also believe there is a manner in which these things can be done without being an a$$, if one wants.

Pulling back from such tight reigns on your S and getting involved in something which makes you a more interesting man, more well rounded, more enjoyable to be with......if done correctly, does not make you selfish and shouldn't be seen as holding yourself above the MR.

It must be difficult to be in so much agony right now--and trying to sort out all this new information. I would think you are struggling in a fog of your own. I think every LBS that comes to the board is exactly like you in one very basic way.....their heart is broken and their mind is not able to comprehend b/c the shock is so great.

[sandi2]

I think one reason that it's so important to GAL for yourself....and to make changes for yourself.....is b/c a WAS almost has another sense about those things. It's as if they can smell it when it's to draw them back. They also can tell when it's not for show, and it's not you trying to get them back!

[Bworl]

I feel like i am just getting time to fix myself and get my life back together so i will be ok when it all ends and so I am a better person on my weekends with the kids.

Still reading through the rest of your thread. Just wanted to chime in about this quote above.


Know right now that what you described above may well be the best ending that comes your way. Think about that and consider it, because doing so will get you thinking in the right direction.


Accomplishing what you wrote above is a pretty noble goal in my opinion. And if your life has truly been an ugly one, the life descirbed above is a pretty damned good one.


Blessings,

Bill