Jack is right, what little I have put out there is in the MLC forum.
This was not an easy road for me, but as I listened and followed advice, it just happened. Over time, until it has become a part of me.
Off board contact, is simply not allowed on this site. We come here raw and hurt. We need an outlet for our emotions and experiences. The anonomity of things allows us to be as honest as we care to be without real fear of judgement or backlash. Something that is hard to find on a public forum.
Mach is right, you need to keep posting your questions here. You will get much more advice from many good people. And as you grow and learn, hopefully, you can post to others who are newer and help them along.
Feel free to ask me anything you want. I have no problems answering anything here if I can answer it.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
If that is what YOU want to do. Forget about him and do what makes YOU happy!
Do not worry about his feelings
Seconded, he doesn't seem too concerned about yours.
Re GAL
Yes, you have friends, make some new ones too. Join one of those meetup groups as I suggested, get hubby looking after the kids for the evening, he should jump at the opportunity.
Get out there and get chatting to fun people, and shock horror some males too (just chatting, no more). don't come home before midnight. See how things change when your cell starts blowing up with texts from your new social life. Even if he doesn't notice, who cares anyway, your doing this for you!!
Thanks, Cat. I'm in the process of reading your older posts. I see that you were not dealing with an A - as I mentioned before, my last empty ultimatum resulted in his contacting his ex-wife. I actually think he will see her today - a family member is in the hospital (will recover) and he felt the need to go to the town the ex lives in to see this person. The writing seems to be on the wall. I know I'm not supposed to snoop. I know I'm not supposed to question him. But it hurts. It's so very difficult. How could this man - this man who I loved and who has loved me - be such a different person now?! How do I maintain my composure when he comes home?!
Rob - I actually did look at the meetup website. Unfortunately, I live in a pretty small community - my choices were groups with political affiliations and a group exploring the paranormal. So I think Im going to pass on those for now . But last Saturday I did decide to go to church - something I hadn't done in a long time. My H was telling me earlier in the day that I should get out of the house (have been confined due to sick kids for over a week) and I told him I was planning on it and was probably going to see a concert. Later that day, he asked questions about where I was going and who I was going with. I eventually shared with him that I had received an invitation to meet with some friends from my divorce/separation support group (I started attending this group when H initially moved out and chose to stay with it as it is quite helpful and I enjoy the people) to listen to the concert. I did that and chose to stay for the service afterwards and was glad that I did. I felt loved there.
I also wanted to ask about wearing my wedding ring. H took his off months ago. Because I still feel committed to making this work, I feel I should still wear some symbol of my commitment. As of late, I have been wearing the band he gave me after our twins were born - so it's not actually an engagement or wedding ring. But I'm still wearing it on my wedding ring finger. Any thoughts?
The last thing I want to share is that I continue to have a tough time not being affectionate toward H. It's not sexual in nature. And sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it (woke up this morning spooning him - habit I've had for years). He has also been affectionate. I know this means nothing. It goes against my nature not to be affectionate. It just confuses me because I'm not sure this aligns with the last resort technique - heck - not even sure I'm even doing the LRT yet. This is all so maddening!!!
Thanks
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
I just keep screwing up. I couldn't talk myself down from trying to figure out if he went to see his ex today. I called his work phone - not there. Figured he might have left for the hospital. Called his cell phone - he answered (I had blocked the number so he couldn't see who was calling) and I heard all of the typical road background noise I always hear. I hung up. Gauged how long it would take him to arrive at his supposed destination and called again. This time I did not block the number. He lied and told me he was just on his way to the hospital and that he had left work 10 minutes ago - not possible since the previous call I made proved he was already in the car and was 40 minutes before the second call. I asked him why I couldn't hear any road noise - he said "I'm in the car" very adamantly. I asked if he saw her today and he said "no" and was pissed off. I just hung up. I'm so mad at myself for even asking - for even looking into it. WHY can't I stop this behavior?!
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
I am glad you are reading my threads, there is a lot of good info, from a lot of good people. Pay attention to all of it, not just me...
I kept a lot of stuff off of my threads at first. My STBXH, is a snoop. I did deal with A. Acutally, with several A. I did everything from exposing, to pretending that I knew nothing.
Exposure doesn't work. It just creates more hard feelings. Pretending, well, not the best thing either, but by that point, I just didn't feel like listening to him lie again. I didn't need that to know what I knew.
Please remember as you read, I posted in MLC, because my H, is having a MLC. It is a bit of a different animal than you find in newcomers. Don't let some of what you may read scare you.
As far as snooping and checking up, it is hard to not know. It is hard, but all it really does it place you in a position to hurt more. Because you know the truth, and you have been lied to.
We try to tell ourselves that we will feel better if we just are sure that our suspicions are wrong. So we justify looking. Unfortunatly, that rarely makes us feel better. It rarely increases our trust. Because they are still acting in ways that make us wonder. And it becomes a vicious cycle. A really vicious cycle that is difficult to end.
Have you ever bargained with yourself about it? You know, if he is where he is supposed to be, I won't call again? sort of thing?
You can always talk yourself into doing it again.
You have to fight with yourself to NOT do it, until the urge to look is gone. Make yourself busy with other things. Occupy your mind and body.
I know it is hard, but it is the only way.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thanks, Cat. I know you are right. Yes - I bargain with myself all of the time. And I want to just kick myself after I snoop - however it is that I do it. I just sent him a text basically letting him know why I thought he might be with her and apologizing for opening the can of worms again. This is my fear - why apologize to him? Does it not make more sense for him to apologize to me? Sigh. Yup. I know it does but I know that is not going to happen. Everything is my fault in his eyes. I have been demonized and history has been rewritten. I'm so scared each time I do this and confront him that I will lose him forever. Scared, scared, scared. It's a horrible feeling - and I'm sick to my stomach most of the time (hence the 20 pound weight loss in 3 months). I was said to just read that H is your STBXH - I just figured he had come to his senses and you had worked it out.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
It's a horrible feeling - and I'm sick to my stomach most of the time (hence the 20 pound weight loss in 3 months).
This is the typical LBS diet. You must take care of yourself first. Maybe you wanted to lose weight but I am sure it was not going to be this way. Think of being on an airplane that loses cabin pressure. The first thing you must do is put on your oxygen mask. then you can start to help the people around you.
It is the same thing here. Worry about taking care of you first. Then when you are in a better place you can worry about others!
He texted me back wanting to know how I knew he was in the car, wanting to know if he had been with her, why would he call me, telling me I had him shaken up and ended it by saying he didn't want to talk about it "anymore...EVER". He also made sure to be ugly and add that he was quite busy at the moment cleaning spit off of his family member's face (in the hospital) and then made sure to give me a play by play of the rest of his day, just to rub it in. So he never addressed why he lied to me - but instead puts it all back on me.
I am in a downward spiral. I don't think I'm very good at this DB stuff as I continue to fail and continue to push him further and further away. I think it's referred to as back-peddling from my hard-earned progress in the book. I feel depressed. Hopeless. I want to just say "F-acting upbeat and bubbly". I'm just so tired. I commune with God daily - prayers many times over. I sense that I need to continue trying to show him unconditional love - showing him that our marriage means something to me and that I'm not going to give up. When I stray from this, things go downhill.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
And it is what is happening. So you have to pick yourself up and begin anew. It happens and we should learn and grow from it.
It is tiring and it is not always easy. But it gets easier.
Don't be sad about my STBX...
I am really good with all of it. It took me a lot of time but I had to get off of the crazy train.
That doesn't mean I failed.
In fact, we have a decent relationship. Considering he is still a bit nuts... LOL...
My H, has many issues to deal with. And it is going to take him a very long time, if he ever does...
This is his journey...
Do I sometimes wish it could have been different? Yes...
Am I going to let it ruin the rest of my life? No...
I wish him well. I still have love for him in my heart. I believe that is possible because of all that I learned here.
DB principals, helped me learn how to improve my relationship with him, and how to improve my relationship with other people as well as with myself. I can't really ask for anything more than that.
We don't all reconcile our marriages. I wish there was a guarantee that it would happen but there isn't.
That does NOT mean that we should not try though.
So here is a thought, for this afternoon...
Don't keep interacting with H right now about his where abouts.
Don't get into an argument about it later.
Just let it be. Take a bath, take a nap or go to bed early.
Take some time for you and don't worry about where he was or wasn't...
Just for today...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Oh, Cat. Thank you so much for your words. It's funny - the last text I sent after he said he didn't want to talk about it anymore was "You have my word". I have never said that to him about all of this. But you know, I meant it. I am so tired of living in his head, assuming I know this and that or that I know how things are going to turn out. I want my life back. And I know the only one to give it back to me is myself.
One of my big fears is that I will never get over this if it doesn't work out and that I will hang on much longer than I should. I had two other serious relationships prior to meeting H. And in both of these relationships, I hung on much too long. It took me years to get over both. But I was younger then. Had a bit more time. I'm scared of being without him. And that says a lot about where I am functionally. He was going to be my forever man. Divorce is not in my value system - but since I am his third wife, I should have assumed it was in his.
I look up to you and hope to gather the strength that you have - and I hope to be able to stay or depart, whatever the case may be, lovingly.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
. But last Saturday I did decide to go to church - something I hadn't done in a long time. My H was telling me earlier in the day that I should get out of the house (have been confined due to sick kids for over a week) and I told him I was planning on it and was probably going to see a concert. Later that day, he asked questions about where I was going and who I was going with. I eventually shared with him that I had received an invitation to meet with some friends from my divorce/separation support group (I started attending this group when H initially moved out and chose to stay with it as it is quite helpful and I enjoy the people) to listen to the concert. I did that and chose to stay for the service afterwards and was glad that I did. I felt loved there.