Since I last posted we’ve been to the MC for our “mediation” session re the issue of OW’s extensive interactions/contact with the kids. That turned into a regular Barnum and Bailey’s three ring circus. In short, he can’t see squat, and it doesn’t matter that the MC is telling it to him. I got upset, very upset. He has no idea who I am. Period. It took me a few days to realize and accept that I had expectations going in. Without them I probably would not have gotten as upset as I did. I even almost walked out once.
Because we ran out of time, we ended up talking about Christmas a day or so later, and once again ... expectations. He informed me that he was doing gifts with the kids on Christmas eve at his house and then would pick them up from me on Tuesday (the 28th) for the night. As in ... keep the regular weekly schedule. He honestly wasn’t going to ask for them on Christmas Day. I couldn’t believe it. And no, it’s not because he’s a crappy daddy and was trying to get out of any kind of responsibility or anything ... it’s because he still can’t stomach the thought of any kind of confrontation and he assumed that’s what he would get from me. Sad. I told him that he was invited to do Christmas morning at the house with us and then after a visit at my mom and dad’s he was more than welcome to take them for the night. He said no to Christmas morning and was appreciative of getting them on Christmas Day night. I asked him to reconsider Christmas morning, he says an absolute no and here we are again. I was really upset. Honestly, how many spouses - having been cheated on, lied to, manipulated, left and used - would be in a healthy enough place to be willing to take the high road, invite the other spouse to Christmas morning so they could share the experience with the kids? It really got to me for a couple of days.
Then I let go.
Really. Let. Go.
Really and truly understood that I am on my own. We aren’t co-parenting. We will be parallel parenting. It’s not what I wanted, but it’s what I’ve got and I’m going to make peace with it. For me, for the kids, even for H.
It is what it is. And you know what?
It is good.
My life is good. I am happy with who I am becoming. I have peace.
... most of the time ... lol. I realized that even if I was living the “white picket fence, 2.5 kids, honda civic in the driveway” dream life ... there would be days that weren’t peaceful, times that were hard and experiences that would challenge me.
I don’t want my old life back. And yes, I’ve been saying that since June for various reasons. Sometimes, I think, to try to convince myself or some of you ... But now ... I have peace and happiness with that thought. It fits. Like my new skin. I’m comfy wearing it.
Ahhhh. Like a pair of worked in jeans.
I have had some amazing experiences in the last few months.
I felt love again. I gave and I received. And it was good. It was mutual, and difficult, and mature, and wonderful, and honest and real.
I have met some absolutely amazing people, some of the best friends - more like family really - that I girl could ever possibly hope for.
My best friend came out of nowhere really, but understands me the way no other person on the planet does. And tells me what I need to hear, not what I sometimes WANT to hear. I will be eternally grateful for his support and love. Maybe someday I’ll even be able to truly express how much his friendship means to me.
I now feel like I have a posse of brothers ... “friends are the family you choose for yourself” right? U guys know who you are ... as generous as I am with words, I find it hard to articulate how much you all mean to me and why.
And all of you on here. I may be “on my own” ... but I am not alone. And for that I thank you.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
