Once upon a time, long long ago a little girl was born into this world. Little did she know what was going to be in store for her in her lifetime.
At the age of three, this little girls’ parents divorced. It wasn’t a sane divorce, but rather ugly – to the point where the mother would hide this little girl in different places in order to hide her from the father.
At the age of 6 or so her sister (15 years her elder) gets a nasty divorce as well – this guy was really quite scummy. Very physically abusive to the point where she witnessed her sister getting beat (broke her back) and she herself suffered pain from him in getting burned by an iron if she wouldn’t shut up while he was hurting her.
So in the first 11 years or so, this girl learned quite a bit about men in general. All this time she wasn’t allowed to see her father either, with both sister and mother constantly reminding her how utterly awful he was, and in fact men were.
At the tender age of 11, while her mother and she were living with mother’s brother and his wife, said uncle molested her. Ok, not in the true sense of the word “molested” – but just made her do things to him that were inappropriate – using a massager, if you can get a mental picture, and this went on for about 2 years.
At 13 she was a regular babysitter for some friends in the same “church” – the father of this family and this girls brother in law worked for the same company. There was a seminar being held in town in which she could help so BIL asked if this father could give her a ride to the place. He did, and ended up kissing her and feeling her up. She didn’t think much of it at the time because she had a terrible crush on him anyway. But in looking back she realizes how inappropriate that behavior actually was.
Between the ages of 15 – 18 this girl lived with her sister and brother in law. On three different occasions her BIL molested her on three different occasions. One occasion, the first, was after a night of drinking and dancing (they were in Tennessee helping BIL’s folks move, lot’s of lax laws there at that time) – and the girl remembers being kissed, and then some hugging, but remembers nothing past that part. There has always been doubt in her mind if something other than just that happened that night. Then like explained, it happened two other times.
All during this time, this girl had a guy friend, boyfriend if you will since she was 9 until she was 16 – who she broke it off with when she found out he was seeing someone behind her back.
When 16, her sister, who she was living with at the time, fixed her up with the PERFECT guy, or so her sister thought. This girl thought ok, her sister had to know better than her what she needed so she agreed to date. Because of the molesting that was taking place in the house and figuring she needed an excuse to get out, when this guy asked her to marry him two days after her 18th birthday, she agreed and they were married 6 months later. Oh but wait, there was something else that convinced her to get married.
When she was 17, she had a sexual encounter of sorts with her best Girl friend. Yes, they were up one night drinking like teenagers generally do, and one thing led to another and they basically made out. Boy did this freak her out major big time.
So with all that had happened to her in her short life, she believed that getting out of the house onto her own, with a guy that obviously loved her would be the ticket to freedom. She was fooled.
Her husband suffered from depression, which affected his work. Many times they didn’t have two nickels to rub together so she ended up working full time, and then also starting a business in which she basically supported him. That really didn’t sit well with her, and 10 years into the marriage, she met a young man with which she told her whole sordid story to, and he listened – again, one thing led to another and she ended up having an affair (6 months, imagine that).
Wrestling with guilt, she finally told her husband what had happened, and played the part of a true walk away wife, saying all the things they do. I love you but not in love with you, you will never trust me again, blah blah blah. They divorced. All the while she was thinking that she would eventually end up getting together with this affair man after her divorce was final. But low and behold he ended up marrying someone else, when he told her he would wait for her.
Meanwhile, she developed quite a friendship with a co-worker. A girl. They started spending all of their available time together. She was going thru a nasty divorce and they decided to move in together. Based on all that had happened in her life up to this point (and similar things happening to her friend), it seemed like a natural thing that these two ended up being very, very good friends. They started discussing making a life together because they both knew that a MAN would never be a part of their life again.
Neither one of them discussed the possibilities of their being confused about their sexuality, but both of them knew in their hearts that this was an issue. One night, during a pretty hefty “girls night out” something happened that convinced them both they had to make a decision on their future together. Based on her religious beliefs, this girl decided that she couldn’t go thru with this lifestyle and basically broke it off with her friend.
She ended up re-establishing a relationship with a child hood friend (guy) across the country, and they decided to meet to see if there was something more to the relationship. She discovered that this guy was in fact what she called a “non practicing gay” – he was looking for a relationship in which he could show the public that he was “ok” (very prestigious job and clientele with certain expectations) and he was looking for a wife in which he could take care of financial, and emotionally but not sexually.
Based on her exciting life up until that point, she jumped at the chance. She had completely lost her faith in men, and she knew she would have a fantastic lifestyle, and she would be taken care of, so she jumped at the opportunity.
She went back across the country to tie up loose ends so that she could move to where this guy lived. She decided to have one last fling at life before she moved there, so she took two months off to drive across country and visit old friends.
At her second to last stop, she met what would later become her second husband. It was a whirlwind friendship, he was going thru a divorce, and she felt really bad for him being that she had just experienced the exact same thing just a couple of years prior. One thing led to another, and she discovered quickly that this guy opened up a side of her sexuality that she never knew existed.
She was supposed to be at her “gay” friends state by a certain time, and was making arrangements for this to happen, when low and behold this new guy BEGGED her to not go thru with it. He told her that she deserved so much more than a life with no sexual fulfillment – she ended up going anyway, and while away she discovered that indeed, she really did love this new guy, and she broke it off with the “gay” friend, and came back to the new guy.
They ended up getting married 4 months later, quietly, not even family knew because it was only two months after his divorce. 10 months after that, they actually got married a second time, this time they let the world know.
Husband number two knows pretty much the whole story. Husband number two also knows that she suffers with occasional questions about her sexuality, especially when things got rough between them. Husband number two never told her he had a problem with this confusion, in fact at times encouraged it, as it was one of his fantasies (the two woman one guy thing)
But in the aftermath of the bomb, he informs her that he has had a problem with her confusion, not ever knowing if she was really there because she loved him, or did she always long for a different kind of life.
In looking back over her interesting life, she wonders how she even still sane. She knew deep in her heart she NEVER wanted to have children, because she did not want her child (especially a girl) to live the hell that she did – and now she has a daughter, and is fearful beyond words.
She has a very skewed view of men, and since the bomb dropping has reinforced, if only in her subconscious that men are, shall we say, worthless.
She has in the past detested being a woman, she actually doesn’t really know how to be a woman but is coming to grips with the fact that if she wants to keep her husband, she has to learn to be one.
These are the issues that she faces. She needs help. She really doesn’t know where to start. But she knows she needs to change. And she is scared; scared of the feelings she has inside. Scared.
There is much more to this story, but they are the finer points. She is willing to answer questions, and discuss, she knows she needs this to break free of a cycle that has cause her life much pain.
