Thanks cat, I've told my mother and sister because I needed someone to talk to last night, but I'm not planning to tell anyone else.
I think that it is often hard for me to see his perspective at first when I feel strongly about something. In the last few years I've been insecure with him, and that has made me less willing to see his side and to instead think "if he loved me, he'd agree my feelings were more important." I think he felt the same way about me. When one of us finally gave in on whatever it was, we'd feel even less secure, and that made the cycle repeat. This led to some major stubbornness and resentment on both our parts, and I think is his biggest complaint of our marriage.
When we were both able to take a step back and see the other person's perspective, we often BOTH changed our minds and were able to reach a compromise more easily. Our decision process for having baby 2 brought us a LOT closer - after we bumped heads for a few months over will we/won't we, we took a timeout, tried to truly understand the other, and amazingly we each gravitated to the other person's position. It took a lot of discussion and negotiating, but we reached what was OUR decision, and not his or mine.
I am trying very hard to see things from his perspective right now and have tried to really analyze what he tells me about our problems and about what he wants now. I'm trying not to speak as quickly so that I have time to think about what he says; or if I do speak quickly and later can see his POV then I try to apologize and explain what I understood of what he said later.
However, as he continues to move toward divorce I will stand up for what I think is best for our children. There are only a few things that I feel are hard-and-fast lines in the sand for me; the rest I am willing to negotiate on to make sure the settlement is fair for both of us. I'm trying to take these discussions slowly, so that I have time to ask questions, find his POV, and think about it before I push for anything.
I hope to get more tips from my IC when she gets back from her honeymoon. Any suggestions from a DB point of view?
