again, i want to thank everyone for thier kind support and friendship here, and i am sorry it took me so long to get back to all of you
i have had to deal with another round of sick children. son number one has pnumonia, son number two the flu, and daughter has ear infection.
during the whole playing mommy/doctor thing i have written my story. all the sordid details. while writing, for some reason i didn't feel comfortable writing in the first person, so i wrote the whole story in the third person
i am sharing this with all of you because i really need help. there are so many issues i am dealing with - my story will hopefully help me with this.
if there are any questions, please feel free to ask, if there are any clarifications you need please ask, i really want help here.
i want to keep my marriage, and i want to keep my man. i want us to be happy together, but until i am clear with my issues, i cannot be clear with him. i feel that i have done about just as much damage because of my "crazymaking" to this marriage as he has with his affair
Once upon a time, long long ago a little girl was born into this world. Little did she know what was going to be in store for her in her lifetime.
At the age of three, this little girls’ parents divorced. It wasn’t a sane divorce, but rather ugly – to the point where the mother would hide this little girl in different places in order to hide her from the father.
At the age of 6 or so her sister (15 years her elder) gets a nasty divorce as well – this guy was really quite scummy. Very physically abusive to the point where she witnessed her sister getting beat (broke her back) and she herself suffered pain from him in getting burned by an iron if she wouldn’t shut up while he was hurting her.
So in the first 11 years or so, this girl learned quite a bit about men in general. All this time she wasn’t allowed to see her father either, with both sister and mother constantly reminding her how utterly awful he was, and in fact men were.
At the tender age of 11, while her mother and she were living with mother’s brother and his wife, said uncle molested her. Ok, not in the true sense of the word “molested” – but just made her do things to him that were inappropriate – using a massager, if you can get a mental picture, and this went on for about 2 years.
At 13 she was a regular babysitter for some friends in the same “church” – the father of this family and this girls brother in law worked for the same company. There was a seminar being held in town in which she could help so BIL asked if this father could give her a ride to the place. He did, and ended up kissing her and feeling her up. She didn’t think much of it at the time because she had a terrible crush on him anyway. But in looking back she realizes how inappropriate that behavior actually was.
Between the ages of 15 – 18 this girl lived with her sister and brother in law. On three different occasions her BIL molested her on three different occasions. One occasion, the first, was after a night of drinking and dancing (they were in Tennessee helping BIL’s folks move, lot’s of lax laws there at that time) – and the girl remembers being kissed, and then some hugging, but remembers nothing past that part. There has always been doubt in her mind if something other than just that happened that night. Then like explained, it happened two other times.
All during this time, this girl had a guy friend, boyfriend if you will since she was 9 until she was 16 – who she broke it off with when she found out he was seeing someone behind her back.
When 16, her sister, who she was living with at the time, fixed her up with the PERFECT guy, or so her sister thought. This girl thought ok, her sister had to know better than her what she needed so she agreed to date. Because of the molesting that was taking place in the house and figuring she needed an excuse to get out, when this guy asked her to marry him two days after her 18th birthday, she agreed and they were married 6 months later. Oh but wait, there was something else that convinced her to get married.
When she was 17, she had a sexual encounter of sorts with her best Girl friend. Yes, they were up one night drinking like teenagers generally do, and one thing led to another and they basically made out. Boy did this freak her out major big time.
So with all that had happened to her in her short life, she believed that getting out of the house onto her own, with a guy that obviously loved her would be the ticket to freedom. She was fooled.
Her husband suffered from depression, which affected his work. Many times they didn’t have two nickels to rub together so she ended up working full time, and then also starting a business in which she basically supported him. That really didn’t sit well with her, and 10 years into the marriage, she met a young man with which she told her whole sordid story to, and he listened – again, one thing led to another and she ended up having an affair (6 months, imagine that).
Wrestling with guilt, she finally told her husband what had happened, and played the part of a true walk away wife, saying all the things they do. I love you but not in love with you, you will never trust me again, blah blah blah. They divorced. All the while she was thinking that she would eventually end up getting together with this affair man after her divorce was final. But low and behold he ended up marrying someone else, when he told her he would wait for her.
Meanwhile, she developed quite a friendship with a co-worker. A girl. They started spending all of their available time together. She was going thru a nasty divorce and they decided to move in together. Based on all that had happened in her life up to this point (and similar things happening to her friend), it seemed like a natural thing that these two ended up being very, very good friends. They started discussing making a life together because they both knew that a MAN would never be a part of their life again.
Neither one of them discussed the possibilities of their being confused about their sexuality, but both of them knew in their hearts that this was an issue. One night, during a pretty hefty “girls night out” something happened that convinced them both they had to make a decision on their future together. Based on her religious beliefs, this girl decided that she couldn’t go thru with this lifestyle and basically broke it off with her friend.
She ended up re-establishing a relationship with a child hood friend (guy) across the country, and they decided to meet to see if there was something more to the relationship. She discovered that this guy was in fact what she called a “non practicing gay” – he was looking for a relationship in which he could show the public that he was “ok” (very prestigious job and clientele with certain expectations) and he was looking for a wife in which he could take care of financial, and emotionally but not sexually.
Based on her exciting life up until that point, she jumped at the chance. She had completely lost her faith in men, and she knew she would have a fantastic lifestyle, and she would be taken care of, so she jumped at the opportunity.
She went back across the country to tie up loose ends so that she could move to where this guy lived. She decided to have one last fling at life before she moved there, so she took two months off to drive across country and visit old friends.
At her second to last stop, she met what would later become her second husband. It was a whirlwind friendship, he was going thru a divorce, and she felt really bad for him being that she had just experienced the exact same thing just a couple of years prior. One thing led to another, and she discovered quickly that this guy opened up a side of her sexuality that she never knew existed.
She was supposed to be at her “gay” friends state by a certain time, and was making arrangements for this to happen, when low and behold this new guy BEGGED her to not go thru with it. He told her that she deserved so much more than a life with no sexual fulfillment – she ended up going anyway, and while away she discovered that indeed, she really did love this new guy, and she broke it off with the “gay” friend, and came back to the new guy.
They ended up getting married 4 months later, quietly, not even family knew because it was only two months after his divorce. 10 months after that, they actually got married a second time, this time they let the world know.
Husband number two knows pretty much the whole story. Husband number two also knows that she suffers with occasional questions about her sexuality, especially when things got rough between them. Husband number two never told her he had a problem with this confusion, in fact at times encouraged it, as it was one of his fantasies (the two woman one guy thing)
But in the aftermath of the bomb, he informs her that he has had a problem with her confusion, not ever knowing if she was really there because she loved him, or did she always long for a different kind of life.
In looking back over her interesting life, she wonders how she even still sane. She knew deep in her heart she NEVER wanted to have children, because she did not want her child (especially a girl) to live the hell that she did – and now she has a daughter, and is fearful beyond words.
She has a very skewed view of men, and since the bomb dropping has reinforced, if only in her subconscious that men are, shall we say, worthless.
She has in the past detested being a woman, she actually doesn’t really know how to be a woman but is coming to grips with the fact that if she wants to keep her husband, she has to learn to be one.
These are the issues that she faces. She needs help. She really doesn’t know where to start. But she knows she needs to change. And she is scared; scared of the feelings she has inside. Scared.
There is much more to this story, but they are the finer points. She is willing to answer questions, and discuss, she knows she needs this to break free of a cycle that has cause her life much pain.
So you are not a crack-addicted porn star....just a human with flaws idiocyncracies and all the rest that makes us unique.
{{{Kitti}}} don't regret any of your past...no matter what, all of it went into making you who you are today. Now the challenge is to love that person you are today and be comfortable in your own skin!
Kitti -- work won't afford me time to comment on your post right now...but I had to say that your bravery and honesty is an inspiration to me. I am in awe. I think you have taken a step in creating the life you want and deserve!
sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
there is no reason to feel any shame over your past..infact if you knew how unfortunately common it all sounds you'd be shocked.
I think some of the questions you have faced in regard to yuor sexuality can be tied to 1. the molestations (damn bastards) and 2. to mom and sis basically showing you that men are scum.
it is a sad story to hear but it doesn't have to keep you down. I don't know that you will find your answers here...perhaps seeking proffesional councel in dealing with these deep rooted feelings may be in order.
You sure know how to bring me to tears. I really have to comment here, so bear with me, okay?
I know you realize that you wrote this story in 3rd person. When people do this and the story is 1st person, it indicates a lot of pain and guilt. So I KNOW this had to be tough for you to address here. I also noticed that you used capitalization here... and that isn't an accident either.
Man, you are brave and courageous and strong. Do you believe this about yourself? If not, please try, because it's very true.
Where you are right now has everything to do where you've been. I hope you feel safe in discussing this now.
If you've read any of my earlier posts, you know that I'm the straight chick with mostly gay friends. Both male and female.
So let's get this stuff out on the table so you don't have to keep any secrets anymore.
Having a lesbian relationship with another woman does not make you a lesbian. You were drawn toward a woman in an intimate fashion because of your past and because of your associations between men and hurt. It was a natural progression to have a sexual relationship with her.
I'm feeling some guilt from this for you. Please, please don't waste another minute of your time feeling guilty for wanting intimacy and a bond with another person and reaching out for it.
We all need caring and touch. Your need was filled by someone who was in a position to offer you both. There is no shame in that, Kitti.
Being a lesbian means that you are programmed to sexual interest in another woman. Does being around women make you feel this way? I'm ASSuming not--the timing was more of an issue than a burning need for a relationship with a woman.
Only you know what your true orientation is. I believe from your posts that you are straight and that there is not gender confusion.
If I've ASSumed wrong, please call me out.
Kitti, there is nothing wrong with you. But your past has come knocking and it's time to reconcile things once and for all. It's so difficult--I know this as well because I've spent a good deal of time in the shrink's office getting my own stuff out.
But the power it holds over you is far greater because it's remain suppressed for so long. It's time to give it away, sweetie. For good. Don't give it any more power, okay?
Kitti, I admire you greatly for wanting to tackle this stuff. Be kind to yourself today.
Big bear hugs.
Underdog
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I shed a few tears when I read the hurt and pain in your post.
So far, I haven't seen anyone write anything other than supportive messages. I hope that tells you something about the people on the BB. I hope it also makes you feel a little better about yourself.
Men who abuse and/or molest women and children aren't real men. Whatever their problem is, it's not acceptable to take it out on other people, especially women and children.
Not all men are like the ones you've been exposed to.
You've done nothing wrong, so I hope you aren't blaming yourself for what happened. Let me repeat.... You've done nothing wrong.
I'm really busy at work today, but I'll try to write more later.
For what it's worth, I think you're a wonderful person. I really admire all the work you've been putting into yourself and your R.
Secondly, I think your best course of action FOR YOURSELF is some professionally counseling. You talked about a great many issues here....most of which no doubt stem from you early childhood molestations. It's not a bit shocking or surprising to me that your sexual identity is confusing to you, afterall, where do you fit? How does a child's mind interpret sexual aggression? How does a child's mind translate the 'good feelings' that do take place during sex play (even to a child) How does a child evaluate themselves when they've been victimized without internalizing the quilt for having been victimized? How does a child sort out good men from bad ones when the ones closest to you, the ones with whom you should have been safe, are in fact the perpetrators of these henious assaults? How does a child decide that to protect themselves from men that perhaps a woman is 'safer'...but then how does that woman child...live with that choice when her instinctual drive is to be with a man.
As to your H's A, it seems to take on a different view now that you have 'told all.' I certainly don't mean to give your H a pass..NOT AT ALL...but, I can see where his confusion over your confusion may have made him seek out affirmation of his desirability as a man.
You have been the victim of a great tragedy, having had your childhood stolen from you and then to go on into early adulthood confused by all the mixed signals throw your way.
I wish that you could seek professional counseling, through your local mental health clinic if necessary, because you need to find YOUR answers...so that YOU will come to accept yourself for who and what you really are AND so you can find a safe place to live and be you again...free of ghosts, free of confusion...free of heartache.
