Piano- Sometimes I wish mine were across seas to, b/c you are right that would force me to detach. It must be so hard for you with a baby though. That is what makes this the hardest for me, my son. I watched his face light up tonight when his dad came in the house and he did not expect him to be there tonight. It broke my heart. I would do anything to keep his face lighting up like that.
Yesterday I hit, what felt like, rock bottom. Since finding out about my husband's affair, my life has started to unravel. When he decided that he wanted to leave I have been a constant state of panic - how can I afford to keep my house and still make payments on bills. I know a house is a material thing, but in the midst of everything I have given up, it just seems like putting it on the market right now would be the one thing that pushes me over the edge. I have been in the process of trying to refinance the house, in my name, which would be my chance to possibly be able to stay in the house. Yesterday, I found out that my car, which is probably only worth 3,000 at best, needs 3,800 worth of repairs. I felt like my world was caving in. I cannot afford to make a car payment and keep my house unless I get the house refinanced. If I get a new car, I won't be able to get the house refinanced b/c my debt to income ratio will be too high. I do not have the money for 3800 in repairs.
Yesterday, I thought how much more can I handle, God? So I prayed. I have never been willing to accept money from anyone, but I prayed to God that if anyone offered me money to help me out I would accept it. Today, I got phone call from my dad saying that I would be receiving a check in the mail from my great aunt. I just needed to take a moment to say God is so good!
Wow! That is fantastic! I heard somebody say that when we hit rock bottom, or come to the end of our rope (which just means we are unable to help ourselves) that is when God steps in with His help. Some folks think God rains pennies from Heaven,maybe? Well I have not seen that happen,but I've seen God work through other people to give us certain things.....especially material or physical things like money, clothes, etc.
I'm glad you see that too. It is some people's gift in giving. I'm sure your Aunt will be blessed for what she did.
Don't you think we women associate our homes like part of our security? That is your shelter, so don't be too harsh with yourself for being concerned.
Thank you for sharing that with us. It's things like that that will really brighten up a person's day......
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
take it from me you will get through this and it will work out the way it is supposed. we have had some parallel things. example, kids lighting up when dad comes around, the home refinance, i was even without a car for a while.
you know in time like 3-6 months the money part did get a little better to where i was not stressing so much about it, got my home refinanced, got a car, i work a little more, working on getting aphone, still no cable, i don't think i will get it either. we just watch dvds if we want.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
You're right Sandi about getting to the point where we just can't do anymore, that God steps in. I can't think of any other time in my life where I have felt so helpless. There have been moments in this where I truly have not felt that I have the strength to make it. I have never known this feeling before. But somehow prayer has gotten me through every one of those moments. It may not have taken the moment away, but it has gotten me through.
Jstar- thanks for the support. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this too. It is just crazy that someone else would do this to us. I know that nobody should feel forced to stay in a marriage, but I feel that there is a right way to leave a marriage and a wrong way, and this is certainly not the right way.
I have been working hard at detaching as Sandi suggested. Sometimes when I don't hear from him for awhile I think to myself... this isn't working. But then I remind myself, what other choice do I really have? I can't make him change by following him around like a lost puppy, and I can't have him back in my life the way he is right now. Plus, for me, a big 180 is sticking with a plan and following through.
It is jus on nights like tonight, when my son is with him. I miss my son.
Thinking of you, Lost. What a wonderful aunt, you have. It will get better, it will. Use the time your son is away from you to better yourself or take a break. Keep praying - whatever it is that gets you through your moments of pain. It's a process, I believe, and you have to stick to your guns.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
Thanks, Piano. I hope things get better. I don't know how you feel, but I feel as if there is a hole in my chest all of the time. I miss my son and I miss my husband, and I miss the time we spent together. My heart goes out to you with a nb. I hope you have a good support system!
One thing I am struggling with today, and would love advice on, is the whole 180 process. I am currently trying to drop the rope, or at least faking it momentarily (b/c I am sure it is obvious that my mind is not there yet.) I agree with those that say this is best for me, especially as long as he is involved with the OW. In the past two years, and especially since finding out about the affair (last 6 mos.) I have definitely become too needy and dependent on him. Letting him know that I was afraid of life without him. Prior to this I had always been pretty independent. I want to use this time to help accomplish some of the things that made me feel dependent on him- feeling insecure as a new mom, putting on weight after the pregnancy, trying to balance work and home life, finances. These are things that I need to fix to be happy, before I would ever have a happy relationship - with my husband or anyone else. I am aware of mistakes that I made in the marriage though. One of those mistakes is not letting him know that I did value our relationship. When he first dropped the ILYBNILWY bomb on me, I remember him saying what do you care anyway you don't love me. I was sorry that he felt this way. It's not true, and I wished I had shown him more. Is there a way to balance detaching with 180? For example, last night he picked up my son to take up to MIL. I have not initiated a phone call in two days, but I called to check in on my son. He did not answer the phone. I was getting ready to meet friends for dinner, and I decided to leave my phone in the car b/c I wanted to focus on enjoying my friends and not whether he called me back or not. I ended up staying at the pub for 3 hours. When I got back to the car he had called 4 times. I felt bad, b/c one thing that has bothered him in our relationship is that I have never been good about answering my cell phone. I am glad that I detached and did not let this affect my dinner, but I also want to change and prepare myself to be a better person in the relationship. How do I do both? Or does one take precedence right now? It is hard to know, b/c since being involved with the OW he has told me so many lies and has said some really mean things, and obviously has caused me a lot of hurt. But, in terms of the aspects of life that do not have anything to do with her, he would do anything for me and prior to her he really was a good husband. I know as long as she is in the picture, he can't be healthy for me and cannot be a good husband. But how do I address the issues that I am responsible for in the marriage?
Just move forward. Keep your cell with you, unless you're upset with him (that will stop you from reacting). The things that he loved about you in the beginning, but are different now, change back completely. That's a 180.
The detaching actually comes along with that. When you are attached, you look for him to make you happy. When you are detached, you look to yourself to make you happy. You still care about him and his point of view. His reaction doesn't ruin your day. It ISN'T the same as indifference. When you are indifferent....his good reaction can't even make your day.
So work out, eat healthy. Be confident (fake it til you make it). Enjoy yourself. Do things that make you happy.
Still struggling with the "dropping the rope" so to speak. I know that some of what led my h to have issues with our marriage is that I did need to get a life, b/c in the past two years i have tended to focus on the negatives in life rather than the positive. I think I became more and more codependent. Another unhappiness for him in our marriage is that he did not get much in the way of validation from me. He got neediness, but not affection. I struggle with this especially since there is an OW just waiting to give him affection. Today I flew with my son to my parents' house. This was a big deal for me. My son is 2 and has never been on a plane. I am a "fearful" flier myself. As I posted earlier my car decided that it would need a new transmission this week. So I had prepared myself to drive down to the airport, but those plans were ruined b/c of my car. My husband offered to drive me down, and I hesitantly accepted the offer. The drive down was fine, he talked to me a lot, made eye contact a lot more than he has in the past few weeks. He offered to hang up Christmas lights for me. He has been very "friendly" the last few days. Here is where my dilemma lies though. I want to believe that maybe there is interest there, but if I am honest with myself I know there is not. He still talks about separating the bills and doesn't ever seek me out as far as texts or phone calls go. I think what he feels is relief that I am picking up my life and moving on and maybe a little respect that I am doing so well b/c I know in his more honest moments, as much as he tries to ignore it he knows he has caused me an extreme amount of pain. Knowing this I was polite and responded to him, but did not do anything to "stroke his ego" in anyway. So once again here is my question- can I drop the rope and show him that I do value him at the same time? I did not show him how important he was in the relationship. This seems hard to do when I am trying not to pursue in anyway.
I am also struggling with how much contact I should have. When the plane landed I texted him to let him know we landed ok. I thought about not doing it, but I know that I would want to know our son had landed safe it was me. He texted me back in the form of a question that I could answer, but does not really require an answer. So I didn't. I am struggling with this decision. How do you do this w/o it feeling like such a game. And I know that if it feels like a game, I am not really doing it. But some of it is so out of character for me- not letting him know what is going on in my life, and some parts of it keep me from doing what should have been more part of my character when we were together, which is letting him know that he is important to me. I am in 100% confident that this is the right thing to do b/c pursuing was getting me NOWHERE. But I just want to make sure that I am doing it right. Sorry I know this post was all over the place!
Well I have not seen that happen,but I've seen God work through other people to give us certain things.....especially material or physical things like money, clothes, etc.