I am not so sure about trying to figure out who the number is...
People can and do change...
If you hate snooping, maybe just better to leave it alone for now...
As a woman, I can tell you, you don't get married and dream about sleeping in separate rooms, or spending your time alone, even if you are in the same house.
It doesn't foster intimacy. Which is something that women need.
How were you when you and your W were dating? How did you make her feel special, desired, loved?
It really does sound like you guys have been living two separate lives.
It also sounds like she might be wondering if you can find that common ground again.
I wrote her letters, I'd send her flowers, I know she really missed the letters. She asked me to stop sending flowers b/c they cost so much. And I definitely got less romantic. It takes two though you know, and it's hard to feel romantic when your partner isn't really the affectionate type. I'm more of a cuddle up and lets watch TV together kinda guy and she's not so much into touching. Just never has been. She knows there's some issues there but just says that's how she is and wont get help for it. Problem is, I do love her, but my needs weren't being met so I found my outlet and sunk myself into it instead of trying to find solutions to our problems. We're both part of the problem, we're just at different places right now within our problem. She's ready to give up, i'm not. But she's willing to stick around a lil while to see if something changes her mind.
Me 36 W 35 Children S7 / D6 Married 11 years. ILYBNILWY Oct 29,2010 2 Dogs :-D
Mister- Your energy and focus shouldn't be on snooping. Focus on doing the fun things, growing your love. Fill her heart. You can do this...and be the person giving advice. I believe that's what she really wants from you.
You are capable.
One thing....one flower 12 times is worth exponentially more than the cost of a dozen flowers.
I believe when you meet her needs, she's going to jump through hoops to meet yours. You're going to win this one.
Thanks for that. I seriously appreciate all the advise you guys/gals are giving me. It gives me comfort/strength & encouragement.
>>>> Wife just called while i was typing this. Just to check up on me and see what I was up to for lunch and I guess just to say hi. Funny how that just made my day.
Me 36 W 35 Children S7 / D6 Married 11 years. ILYBNILWY Oct 29,2010 2 Dogs :-D
Everytime I read through these posts I'm just shocked to see how many guys are going through a similar situation to me. Sure some of the details are different, but the general situation and distractions are the same.
You need to try and focus on you, do some self examination and try and understand what makes you happy. Someone else also told me that it's important to remember that you are in this sitch due to your ACTIONS so your not going to talk your way out of it. You need to allow your actions to do the talking. At least your a good listener, my W says I'm always distracted/not listening.
I hear you on the mixed signals as well, I just need to ignore them for now and focus on being happy for myself and my daughters.
If you will look at your own posts and read what your W is telling you, you'll see the answer. Not everyone is as lucky. Many W's do not welcome time spent with the H. She's telling you that she wants to be with you. She wants romance! She may not be touchy-touchy(I'm not either), but it doesn't mean she doesn't need and want intimacy. Her love language is not the same as yours. But, if her emotional needs are being met.....then she will be able to cuddle up with you.
It seems like you two are pretty young to be sleeping in separate rooms. I assume there isn't much sex, from what's been said. You may see it as being lazy,but she,may think that she doesn't excite you any more.
Here's the thing, you see yourself as a big teddy bear. Women don't want to have sex with a teddy bear! Need I say any more? Time to make things happen around your place. Stop with the boring lifestyle and put some sizzle into the M.
If you want to see a big difference in how this could be turned around, then I suggest you place your W ahead of your parents. Tell your W that this is going to be a Thanksgiving holiday just for your immediate family. That way, she knows you care and she'll see you putting her and the MR before being with your parents.
About your father......that was very hard for your W to tell you about his hugs. She's been caring that around for a long time. I'm sure your dad is great, but he hasn't learned how to hug his DIL in the appropriate manner. He is being too personal with her.....maybe he accidently brushes against her breast or touches her in a way that certainly makes her feel uncomfortable.Hopefully, he will be more careful from now on. She's embarrased about them knowing about her now. She just needs some time before feeling like she can face them again.
Don't leave her there alone on Thanksgiving......b/c if you do...you will regret it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I doubt the point of what you said was to make me laugh but it did. My wife was doing some facebook stuff and I decided to take a peek at DB forums. It was all I could do not to LOL at this bit "Women don't want to have sex with a teddy bear!"
I appreciate your brutal honesty. I think i needed to hear that and it's kinda resonating with some things she's been wording. Like she's curious HOW i'm saying things, rather than the content of things. See i'm a bit of pacifist, i avoid conflict like the plague. That's been a source of conflict for a while. I dont have a lot of confidence in myself. But I'm oddly feeling a lil more empowered lately and I think she's picking up on that. I told her brother to come get his crap out of our garage that's been sitting in there for years, I said it nicely of course, but I was very firm about it. "Hey, you still want these items that have been in our garage for the past few years? If you do come by saturday and pick them up. I'm trying to get this garage squared away so my wife can finally use the garage" and the whole situation mentioned above with my parents. She was all curious about HOW i said it.
I like your idea about Thanksgiving, I wish i'd thought of that sooner. Car is packed though and kids are super excited about seeing their grandparents...and grandparents are super excited about seeing the kids. Plus my wife has been real nice all night and kinda upbeat. I'm afraid of changing anything before our trip tomorrow.
We sleep in seperate rooms because i snore very loudly. I need to lose more weight (lost 35lbs so far) so my sleep apnea isn't so bad.
Anyways, good night and have a good thanksgiving all.
Me 36 W 35 Children S7 / D6 Married 11 years. ILYBNILWY Oct 29,2010 2 Dogs :-D
Hope you enjoy the holidays with your folks. Has your W said what her plans are while you & the kids are gone?
I understand about the snoring b/c the same thing happened with us. Also, I was not able to go back to sleep once I was waken up. Some couples have to have separate rooms for health reasons, but it's easy to get very slack in the sex dept. Whereas when going to bed together....the cuddling, touching, etc., would allow nature to lead the way for sex. But, a couple has to put forth more effort when they have separate rooms.
This is only a suggestion, but have you thought about starting a new routine, and going to bed with your W every night. You could lay in bed with her until the two of you were ready to go to sleep.....then you could go get into your bed.
What I missed the most about going to bed together was that was when we had our intimate talks, and that happened to be one of my emotional needs. Sometimes we ML, sometimes we didn't. But when you go to be alone in bed, you read or watch TV or whatever....but you are slowly developing a lifestyle that cuts your S out of a very important part of the MR. That was the very first step in the breakdown of our M a long time ago.
Okay, let me talk to you about being passive. My H was always very passive. People said he was quiet and laid back. But, over time it became a trait that was not attractive to me. I wanted a strong man who would stand up to me and not allow me to talk disrespectful to him, put him down in public, make fun of him, etc. I wanted a man who had the guts to stand up to others when they were ugly to me(especially his mother!), and when people took advantage of him. I wanted him to be a strong, confident leader for our family. There were times I actually craved for him to show some form of agression to know he was ALIVE!
Passiveness is not sexy. I'm sorry, but it's just not. You can be the strong, quiet type.....and yet not be passive. Women will take over and lead the family if the man doesn't,but I don't think that is truly what they want to do. The W may even seem to test you in this area,but she justs wants to "see" you stand up or take some kind of action. I think many women resent the passive H b/c it looks very much like a first cousin to LAZINESS. It becomes an excuse for not taking responsibility for things and depending on the W to do it.
If you are in a reversed tradional role, and she's working and your a stay at home dad....I think her need to see you take charge may be even greater. How long have you been at home?
So, what were you like when you werer dating? How much of that has changed? How much can you become that man again?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
