Albuquerque living part 2: Road to recovery?

[Albuquerque]

More journaling,

Had our usual post martial arts class sushi dinner last night. H and I hit the sake hard and the dinner was delicious. He said he would "follow me home" to make sure I got home OK. Once at home, I sent D to bed since it was nearly 11. H arrived shortly afterwards and basically snuck into my (not our) bedroom. Fun ensued but there was some talking involved. I asked, kind of jokingly, if he had to be drunk to want to come over. Much to my surprise he said yes. And that otherwise, there was too much anxiety. I asked, anxiety about what? This caused a VERY long conversation.

Basically, my H appears stuck. He says that the changes in me are so good, that he kind of feels like it's a "sales job". He worries that if he "relents", that in 6 months, things might be like they were. I told him that I am not going to defend who I am or the validity of my changes. I asked him what his definition of "relent" was. He said that it basically meant him moving back in and renewing the relationship. I told him that I wasn't a fan of that word because it kind of gave the impression of weakness. But furthermore, if that was how he was viewing things, it actually caused ME some concern. I reminded him (because we've had this conversation umpteen times) that I CANNOT make him happy. If he moves back in without working on himself, he WILL be unhappy. He must find that inner happiness within himself first. And all I want from him is for him to find that.

For those of you in this forum that have found this place of inner peace, you know what I mean. But for my H, he cannot comprehend what I'm talking about. My H seemingly does not believe that all I want is for HIM to find happiness. His retort was, "Well what if what I need to be happy is to sleep with other people, or to become a thief or to do drugs!" A silly argument to be sure, but he meant it. I explained that once again, he is using EXTERNAL influences as examples of what will bring him happiness. True happiness comes from within yourself without the need for external influences.

Once again, he just could not comprehend that. He started in on the fact that he's made me miserable and hurt. At this point, I started to lose my cool. Partly because we've been down this road of conversation too many times. I got up from the bed, partly to take a break and partly to go get some water. He realized that I was upset and I did my best to calm myself down but it was admittedly hard and only partially successful. I told him as I got up that I am happy at my core and that all I ask from him is to take me at my word.

I got my water, calmed down, and went back into the bedroom, only to find him getting dressed. I asked why he was leaving. He said, in a snotty way, "you've made it clear that you're fixed and I'm broken and your super duper happy and I'm just bringing you down.". I told him that I am FAR from being fixed. There is no fixed point, it's a life long work in progress. I told him that he is NOT bringing me down. We exchanged a few more words but in the middle of one of my sentences he just grabbed my head, kissed me on the lips and said "I gotta go". He left without saying anything further.

Well I had a short cry after that. Wasn't sure what the hell had just happened. He texted me when he got to his place

H - "Survived the trip. I'm sorry. Not about surviving. I do want to talk about this stuff, but under different circumstances"

Me - "OK. Thanks for letting me know you made it home OK"

H - "I really do want to talk though. Not making light of that."

Me - "OK. You know where to find me when you're ready"

H - "Thank you for your patience and understanding. I deserve neither, but am grateful for both. I'll call you tomorrow."

So this morning, he texts me bright and early and apologizes again. I told him that his feelings were valid and he clearly needed a break and that I respected that. I just wished it hadn't been so abrupt. He agreed and then the conversation flowed to more chatty stuff.

MLC is still ever present. His confusion is great and he has a lot of work ahead of him. It seems I need an ever greater amount of patience than I did pre-reconciliation. I'm thankful for the time I had to gain that level of patience. The old me would have been yelling and pissed off right now and we would NOT be having chatty conversations the next day. But this whole thing has made me realize that if we are starting to have similar conversations that get us nowhere, that is a cycle that needs to stop. I need to do something different. Not sure what. Perhaps just NOT have the conversations. I'll have to evaluate that further.

Anyhow, I plan to enjoy this week. I will give a stab to putting up lights on the house. I've never done that before and the thought is scary. So bring it on! I'll have D on the ground with a phone with 911 on hot stand by!