The last 12 hours have been fun. I found out that my H might be in the early stages of an EA with a woman from work. She had told her fiance that my H was meeting some of her emotional needs that he wasn't. Her fiance moved out about the same time my H did, but he's gone home now and they are in MC and he thinks their R is improving. He's using a lot of the DB principles without having read the book.
I called her at work and asked her point-blank if she's having an affair with my H. She denied any form of inappropriate closeness on either of their parts and seemd shocked that I would question that. I told her that if I thought that way, her fiance likely did too - she did not tell me they had talked about this, but said she would talk to him about it later.
She told me more about her conversations with H, which matched up with what he had always told me (they discussed our problems from 4 years ago and how that related to her situation now). She thinks he still loves me and she encouraged me to drag him to MC. Her analysis of what SHE thinks is wrong with him matches mine dead-on - that he's unhappy in general, has no idea how to make himself happy, and thinks that starting over with new job & no wife is going to magically get him that way. She also said he's conflicted on whether he's doing the right thing and is miserable. I have no idea if he told her any of this or if she's making deductions like I am.
After I hung up with her she went to talk to H and apparently said they couldn't be as close friends any more. He was livid when he called me this morning and accused me of trying to destroy all of his friendships. I agreed not to be friendly with the people he stayed with when he moved out, as they are primarily his friends.
There was lots of spew about friends intermixed with comments like "it's too late to look at where our R went wrong" and "you shouldn't have tried so hard to drive me away this summer". I validated a little, apologized that he had felt uncomfortable at the discussion but that I needed to know answers for my own peace of mind. (H response - you always do things for your peace of mind without worrying about blowing up everyone else's lives.) He told me to be careful or he could make this a lot more difficult - I responded that I could increase the difficulty as well.
It's becoming more and more obvious that despite his initial comments that we share responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage, he's blaming pretty much everything on me, and that despite saying he's not angry with me anymore, there's some deepset anger under there.
I've sent emails to the friends he thought I was poisoning to apologize if I said anything inappropriate and that I did not mean to stand in the way of their friendship. I am planning to leave H alone until next week, when he should get to see the kids again, and then act As If he's happy to see me and be happy and energetic. I'm going to enjoy the holiday with my kids.
One issue I have is with 180s. One of the things that really bothers him, which came out again today, is that he feels that I often do what I think is right for me without weighing the effects on everyone else. (He's pretty hot that we argued about a motorcycle in the spring - I thought it wasn't safe, he thought I didn't want him to be happy, I gave in after a few months and he bought it anyway.) He thinks me calling his friend is the same type of thing, and that some of what I've asked for in our initial D talks is also me not thinking abotu what he wants. I understand why he thinks that way, but in these situations I don't know that I CAN act differently. He doesn't notice when I do quietly acquiese to what he wants even though I disagree, he only registers the instances where I do take a stand. I don't know if I can fix this.
