Summers nearly here!! I can't wait!! Slapping on the fake tan already!!! Never been a good tanner...go from white to pink, to peeling ...to blotchy white again hehe....
Something about sunshine that makes everyone feel better I think!
Hope - what do you mean you werent ready before? Ready to stand?
I wasn't ready for my stand to be about me. I had lots of people tell me to make standing and DBing about me, but I wasn't able to do that till now. I was standing for my marriage, my H, and my D3. I was an afterthought.
I also wasn't ready to let my H go, not really. I will still struggle with this, and I am still finding what it will mean for how I proceed in the future. I am no longer defining my success by whether or not my marriage is healed.
Thanks Zen I just don't know how to tell him WHY his dad is not here. So far I have been lying (smack me now), saying that daddy is working hard, and he has to live close to his work I guess thats worng, but for some reason it feels even more wrong to say 'because daddy doesnt want to live in the same house as mommy anymore'... It feels awful to tell a child of 4 that I'm not sure it gets easier or more 'ok' to tell them as they get older tho either...so I guess it has to come out sometime...
Just dont want to damage this little boy
Yes it is awful to tell a child that their daddy doesn’t want to live with mommy anymore. Unfortunately, there is no way to make this a happy story for your son. Try not to lie to him or make excuses for your H, but It is ok to tell your son you don’t know. You won’t have all the answers, and you can’t protect him from the realities that are around him.
The important thing they NEED to hear isn’t really what is happening or even why. For a young child they need to know how it effects them, and ONLY them. They don’t need (and should be protected from) their parent’s emotional reconstruction. The details they want and need are more concrete. When in doubt, keep it short too. Mommy still loves you. Daddy still loves you. We will both always be here to take care of you. You will still see both of us, just not all together. You will still have time to play with your friends. You can decide where to keep your toys.
You are not the one doing the damage, and yes there will be consequences for your son. This is being done by your H, and you can’t stop it. I know it isn’t fair, but that is how it is. All you can do is teach your son how to cope, give him time and space to grieve, and give him a safe place with you.
You can’t stop what is happening from effecting him, but you can be a buffer so he has time to process this at a slower pace. You are a good mom, Pie. Your son is lucky to have you.
It sounds like you're on the right track. Keep moving forward. But keep in mind that this man you see before you is NOT your H. He is lost in a fog. Lost in a dream world where he thinks he will find happiness at last. The sad thing is that he most likely won't and it may take him a long time to realize that. They have a LOT of emotional baggage on their shoulders but put up a front (lie) about it.
Originally Posted By: pie
Everytime I start feeling sorry for him, and want to make it better for him, and just love and hug and squeeze him better, I remember the lies, and it kindof brings me back to reality...
Just my two cents but I don't think this is a good approach. You're concentrating on the negative. The lies are a symptom of the MLC. The MLC is, in essence, a mental illness. I'm not, IN ANY WAY, saying that what your H is doing is excusable. But realize that the lies are a part of the whole MLC. When I felt the way you did, I remembered that my H was in fact deeply ill. Deeply disturbed. Deeply hurting. Empathy is easier to find that way. It seems that you're seeing small glimpses of his pain every now and again. And it is very very real. My H told me that there were days that he'd wrap himself in his comfortor in his apartment and just stare and the ceiling for hours depressed.
Originally Posted By: pie
At least I've already started accepting now, so its not that hard to digest, i can still keep a smile on my face Which I managed pretty well
Good for you. That's difficult to do. There were times where my H was flying off to see OW (and I knew this since she lived in a different state) and I would purposefully offer to drive him to the airport. It was probably not so good of me to do but I liked knowing that I had the power in this strange dynamic and that every time I offered (and he always refused) it probably wrankled him a little bit that his wife was offering to drive him to the airport to see OW. And like you, I was NEVER sure but there were too many red flags to ignore.
Keep working on you and your S. That's the ONLY thing you have control over right now. Making yourself a better you WILL bring you inner peace and, if your H does recover from the fog, will only make you THAT much more attractive. Keep up the good work!
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Hope - thank you, I havnt even thought to see it from that point of view, of just making sure they feel love, that's all thats important - you are right I'll be doing that now I think Thank u so much for your encouragement...it really helps...every little bit helps
Albu - ok this too I didnt realize I was doing...focusing on his negative to make myself feel better - not exactly detaching with love...I keep forgetting he's in pain, and when I do think of it, it really does help me feel even MORE ok...so I'll need to keep that at the front of my thoughts also...
I don't want to end up bitter and venomous for constantly pointing out all the negatives - you are right
H came in to bath S, still unannounced, just arrives...not too sure what to make of this, I was wondering if it maybe had to do with my response to his, he said he looked forward to coming to the house at night, so I said I liked his company..maybe it was that - he feels more welcome.
Anyway, he was still a bit down, but not as much as this morning. Still looks a bit glum.
Put two and two together and figured out that this must be the week he is entertaining another woman he said he 'owed a holiday' after she took him holidaying from her city.
Thats why he's taken the week off. I think he now knows I know this. You dont have to be einstein..
At bathtime he mentioned something about his business, something good - a good prospect, and I said - Wow - that must have you excited then? He said 'No, nothing gets me excited at the moment, having a really hard time'. He looked like the ground was going to swallow him up, his face was practically hanging on the ground I felt awful for him, just wanted to hug him I tried to ask more and sympathise a bit, but he changed the subject so I went with the flo.
He also said he'd be going camping for a couple days - so asked if I could take S to school for those days. I said ofcourse, no problem.
And he also wants to have S on Saturday, problem is I feel a bit yuck about it will be with this ow also.
I didnt say no, because H has hardly seen S, and he's leaving for overseas again on Sunday, so didnt feel right to keep S away from his dad because I felt weird about it S has to have daddy time..I'm pretty sure this woman is nothing serious at the moment, but hey, I'm not willing to bet ANY money on any of my assumptions anymore....
Feeling good still. Still Accept...accept...accept.
I will have love again...I will be happy again...this too shall pass
If he's not the one...someone else IS!!! Or better damn better be! God's sorting it out for me
Just my two cents but I don't think this is a good approach. You're concentrating on the negative. The lies are a symptom of the MLC. The MLC is, in essence, a mental illness. I'm not, IN ANY WAY, saying that what your H is doing is excusable. But realize that the lies are a part of the whole MLC. When I felt the way you did, I remembered that my H was in fact deeply ill. Deeply disturbed. Deeply hurting. Empathy is easier to find that way. It seems that you're seeing small glimpses of his pain every now and again. And it is very very real. My H told me that there were days that he'd wrap himself in his comforter in his apartment and just stare and the ceiling for hours depressed.
Good advice A. I was going to respond here, but it was just too relevant for me. I’m going to scoot this over to my thread to help me in my journey.
New day Have loads of work, plan on doing some pilates later, and taking S for a swim in the afternoon
H fetched S for school, dressed all ready for camping. He wasnt as depressed looking as yesterday, but not bouncing off the walls either. Completely uninterested in anything i had to say - small talk...so I eventually just stayed quiet and happy.
Hurts when someone doesnt seem to be interested in a thing you are telling them...or at least make the effort to show some kind of politeness...but I know....I know....its not about me.
H is off to spend 3 days camping with OW showing her a good time and spending time with her. Hurts yes, but I'm actually ok, and more detached than before...accepting...accepting...accepting...
Also remembered how I felt a little guilty for going and getting myself a few new tops (not expensive - just stuff I needed). In our M I always felt guilty spending money on me, I am trying to understand why I felt this way...it was a mixture of H showing stress about finances, my not feeling I was worthy(trying to figure out if this was my problem or his contribution to my feeling like this), I used to think that he would always make me feel bad for buying something, but maybe it was just me THINKING he was dissapproving...I don't know...still muddling through it.
Anyway I don't feel too bad about it now..H is spending a week with OW probably spending lots on entertainment, so I really shouldnt feel bad about buying a couple of tops I need for the hot weather we been having.
We always had a joint bank account. When we first got married I didnt like the idea. My parents always had seperate finances, and it was just what I was used to. After much fighting I gave in, and we had one bank account, but it left me feeling COMPLETELY 'helpless' when it came to finance. I could never spoil myself without feeling guilty about it...and then I felt unworthy of being spoilt..and that knocked my self worth i think...
Just thoughts....
This is one thing I will never want to do again, in my next relationship. Finances separate..Full stop.
Had a bit of a sad patch last night...just the first time that I have been aware that H is busy spending time with someone else, and it did hurt a bit...made me mourn and grieve just a bit more, and feel like its brought me down a bit.
Had a little cry last night, but recovered ... Todays probably going to be a blue day too as this sinks in more and more.
Feel like I really am grieving now...
S4 this morning said to me 'Mommy, you are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, and I will never let anyone attack you'
I nearly cried He obviously feels protective or something...
Wish I had my parents nearby, nothing like home to make you feel some comfort.
I just don't know how to tell him WHY his dad is not here. So far I have been lying (smack me now), saying that daddy is working hard, and he has to live close to his work 
I guess thats worng, but for some reason it feels even more wrong to say 'because daddy doesnt want to live in the same house as mommy anymore'...