Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[Lucky11too]

Trust me, I completely understand, I'm in a funk as well. I don't know what it is - the weather, thanksgiving, lack of sleep, or what, but definitely feeling down too. I'm discouraged from this weekend. On Friday, I texted H to see how his night was going, and he was all upset b/c the power had gone out for hours on the whole block where the new place was at. Friday night at primetime was the worse possible time for this to happen. So then comes Saturday and H come over. He said he was hitting a low spot again so I encouraged him to come over and see S and I. When he got there tho, I could totally smell alcohol on his breath, so I asked him if he had just had a beer or something. It turns out that no, he hadn’t, but that it was a carry over from the previous night. Since the place had no power, they shut down and him at all the staff went out and partied at a nearby bar (&he said they were all trying to get him drunk). Ok, so there are multiple problems with this. 1) He finally had a Friday night off, yet he chose to party with his co-workers instead of using that time to spend w/ me (frustrating especially since he was “working” all week and we hadn’t seen each other). This has been a reoccurring problem with us. Yes, he works a lot, so when he has time off, he should WANT to hang out with me. If it was reversed, he would be my first choice. 2) “partying with co-workers” – the problem right there. He needs to keep a distance from them as we learned from the old place that he doesn’t know how to keep work and personal life separate. I can’t go thru this with co-workers again. 3) The drinking! I was pretty upset, so I started withdrawing. After his spiel, he commented that he should have just come here to see me. I just said, “yeah, you should of”. I hope he gets that and means that instead of just trying to say what I wanted to hear. He could tell I was upset, so he asked if I was. I choose my words carefully and after pausing, I said something about how I would have just liked to have seen him. Then to encourage him (& indirectly let him know I expect more of him then this) said I understand how this is a journey and he will have his slips once in a while (this in my opinion was a slip, not ok to happen if we were back together). I also reminded him how far he has come from last year (from the continuous drinking, the fighting, and the risky behavior). I hope he took what I said to heart. I know he’s discouraged that he’s not doing better by this point (after this year long journey of the brain scan, some counseling, the sleep study, the surgery, and now meds). These are all just “steps”, so hopefully he’ll continue with it and feel more relief in the coming year.

Another thing I have been thinking a lot about, is what is best for S. I’ve been fighting for our family b/c that’s what I thought was best for S, but what if it’s not? S is really in one of the best environments possible right now. Living with parents, it’s been a great mix of love, learning, and discipline. Whenever H comes over, I just realize he doesn’t get S or any of it. I mentioned this weekend how S has been waking up every night with what I am assuming is nightmares, so we need to really watch what S is being exposed to (meaning particularly at inlaws. They were watching the new Alice and Wonderland the other day. Hello? What are they thinking? That is waaaayyyy to scary for a 2 year old. I’m just getting so frustrated. I wish I could just be home and raise my own S!) But anyways, H just completely brushed my comment off. Then H came over for dinner on Saturday night and I was cooking dinner, S made a poopy diaper. I asked H to take care of it while I finished up dinner, and he was freaking out saying he would do anything but that. I had him finish up the salad and I took care of the diaper, but really? C’mon! Then during dinner, (w/ the 3 of us), S kept asking for grandma (my mom). Then I tried to get S to play with H while I cleaned up, but S doesn’t want anything to do w/ him. I feel like I’m always having to force S to be with H. Once in awhile, when S is in a good mood, H is a good playmate. But besides that, S doesn’t want H. He wants mommy, grandma and grandpa. So I don’t know. It all just made me question what I am trying to do.

I think my stress about not trusting H and the fear of another OW and getting hurt again, is spilling over into my dreams. I’ve been having these awful dreams about him having a PA and it’s so painful – even in a dream! I’m not one to have those instincts or gut feelings on stuff, so it is what it is – my fear. How can I make sure this doesn’t happen again, you know? Right now, he is completely physically attracted to me, what happens if I gain a few pounds, or get wrinkles, or get pregnant again? Anything? I just need to know that we have something deeper and unconditional. So obviously, my mind is all over the place right now. I don’t know why he can’t be more like me and be willing to commit and be faithful, honest, and loving? Is it really that hard?

Besides H, pictures went ok this weekend. S looked soooooo cute, but he was not cooperating! All he wanted to do was stick out his tongue and spit. What a boy! Despite that, we ended up getting two cute pics of him and one of him and I that I am going to use for our Christmas card. I’m trying to figure out how to sign the Christmas card. Either “from the ______ family” or “Love My Name and S’s Name”. It feels a little odd just doing S and I, but that’s what we are right now – mommy and S.

[awest1217]

Tough decision on the card. Since you and H are still working things out put from the _________ family. I feel it is a safe way to say Merry Christmas without alienating H, but also not necessarily saying you are together. You and S could be a family.

With H and the dreams, try to not think about it so much. Don't waste your energy and much needed sleep on that. Try to relax before bed and clear your mind. IT probably doesn't help that you usually talk or text H right before bed because that is when he is awake. Try to keep things light during that time so you can sleep.

Hope you have a great Thanksgiving!

[Lucky11too]

Ahh, back to the computer (and work!) It’s almost impossible to get on the computer at home, but oh well. I definitely wanted to update on the Thanksgiving weekend. Well, before Thanksgiving (on Wed), H said he was getting concerned b/c he felt himself going back to drinking to deal with all the stress. I tried to encourage him and say that the most important thing (& the difference from last year) is that he is cognizant of it now. I encouraged him to find more productive ways to deal with his stress (ie exercise, etc). On Wednesday, he asked if he was invited to our Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday and I said of course (since we are still positively working on things). So, some good stuff, but then it just went down hill from there. On thanksgiving day, with classic H flair, he arrived about 2 mins before we were to sit down to eat, had dinner with us (about 15 to 30 mins), then as soon as we finished, said he was in a turkey coma and went to my room and went to sleep for the next 3 hours. First of all, that is super rude! Basically it was like eat and run. He couldn’t even be socialable enough to spend some time with my family? I was pissed. He said he was super happy to see me, but 1) was tired b/c he was out late “letting off steam” (drinking) and 2) said my Aunt was stressing him out (yes, she can be a little high strung, but deal with it!). On top of that, he completely missed hanging out with S. After dinner, me, my sis and BIL went outside and played with S. BIL was running around playing chase with him and S had such a great time (non-stop laughing). I just kept thinking this is what H should be out here doing. So finally when it was time to go to H’s family’s house (we have afternoon thanksgiving dinner, they have night thanksgiving dinner), H got up and we took S over there. It all went well over there. S had a blast playing with all the young cousins and I chatted with all the aunts and girl cousins. H sat on the couch with the guys and watched the football game. It‘s frustrating for me, but really, it’s his loss once more. He continues to miss out on S’s life. So unfortunately, I don’t think there was a whole lot I could do at that point to make the sitch any better. I could have told H he had to get up but I know with past times, it wouldn’t have done any good except to make him grouchy (and who wants to be around somebody grouchy. Might as well stay in his little cave) The only thing I can learn from this is to set standards for the next holiday. I know he’s going to ask to come over for Christmas, so I’ll let him know he is welcome to join us for Christmas, but that means that he must actually “join us”! Yes, he could still end up hiding away, but at least he knows what my expectations are.

So continuing on, thanksgiving night, H came over and we watched a movie. It’s weird, H seems to only want to be around me – not really other family or even S. He loves S and tolerates his family, but he seems to only actually want to spend time with ME. He spent the night, but didn’t sleep well (took his new meds too late which causes insomnia) so slept in late the next morning. S wanted to go to the park to the next day, so I finally asked H, H got up, we went for an hour, then H left for work. The rest of the weekend kind of just went. He worked, we texted occasionally about S and how are days were, and that was that. I just feel like he’s not doing good still. I really wanted the meds to just do their thing and make him all better. It seems like he’s still in a constant funk and unable to deal with his stress still (resorting to drinking to deal with it). =/ I believe he has a follow up appointment sometime next week, so hopefully he can get some more direction from the Dr.

So besides that, the rest of the weekend was great for me. It was so nice to have those extra days off and spend extra time with S. (S has been especially clingy lately, so that was good for him too to have some extra mommy time). We got the house all decorated for Christmas (it looks so beautiful!) and did a little bit a shopping (I spent a little more than I should have but I got some great deals!) So now, to a new week and into December (where did this year go!!!).

[awest1217]

I don't think our H's will ever really understand what they are missing because you can't miss something that you never had. They have never known the joys that we feel so they can't understand how it feels to miss it. I feel sad for them.

I am glad you had a good thanksgiving and were able to get Christmas shopping done. I also spent a little too much, but you can't pass up deals on sweaters or clothes that are less than $10, normally $20 or more.

[Lucky11too]

That's is the truth!!! I suppose it really it hard to miss something you don't even know exists...the joy, love, and bond with your child! So sad for them!

So, FIL couldn't pick up S from preschool on Monday, so they asked H (but let me know to be on backup since H is so unreliable). Of course, I get a call from H that he's running late and doesn't have time to pick up the carseat first from his parents house, so I meet H over at S's preschool (although since I was there, there was not point for H to be there now anyways). H was about to go head off to have food at his restaurant while I took S home, but since S was asking for him, I asked him to at least take it to go, so he could have lunch with S. He finally decides that he will go home and just find something at MIL's house to eat with S. We get there, and we have a bill there for interest/penalties for paying our taxes late. (long story - had to do an extension in Apr b/c of the business, but when went to file in October, found we still owed more taxes!) Then S was being difficult and hit MIL, in which I had to put him in time out b/c MIL won't and then I couldn't for the life of me get S to say sorry to MIL, even though he had no problem telling me (he has absolutely no respect for her - so sad. She think she's "loving" him by letting him get away with everything, but in reality, all she is doing is creating a monster for herself and someone who doesn't even respect her.) But anyways, H is sitting in the corner looking grouchy so I asked him what was wrong. He says "everything". I'm not sure exactly what set him off, but he's in a down again. For the taxes, I paid the one for the state and now I'm paying the one for the IRS, so he has nothing to be stressed out about that (although I am, since property taxes are due too next week on our house that we don't even live in and H doesn't pay a cent on...but don't even get me started on that!!!). And with S, was he mad with how I disciplined him? Even so, he's not around, so he has no say! So then S totally freaked out when I went to go back to work and was screaming for me, so I texted H a little bit later to ask if S had cheered up, but no response...and not one word from him since! Since he ignored me, I for sure wasn't going to keep "pushing" it, so I haven't bothered to text him again either. So now, last text received was Sunday night, when we usually have several texts daily. I don't like being ignored so I have no problem igoring him now. It's just weird though. Not sure what's happening with him and what set him off? What did I do?

[awest1217]

You didn't do anything and you can't take responsibility for H's actions. You can only take responsibility for what you did. If H is upset about something you did, then he needs to communicate that, otherwise don't worry about it. You feel you did nothing wrong, and I agree that you did nothing wrong, then don't worry about it. You have to be ok letting H be H. You can say things like I can see you are upset, would you like to talk about it?. Beyond that it is not your problem. It is H's and H has to learn to take care of himself and his emotions.

It is so important what you said about discipline. Some parents feel they are hurting their kids by disciplining, but good discipline teaches respect, just like a good boundary for adults.

[Lucky11too]

Big update… H finally texted me last night to ask about when S’s preschool’s Christmas show as. I let him know it was next Thursday. And that was it. Then, in the middle of the night, I get a text that says, “I wish you understood me”. I responded that I try but that he’s complex (the truth!). I asked him how he was doing and if he needed anything (esp b/c he just woke me up in the middle of the night!) He says no and then says good night followed by the ominous words “take care of my son”. I immediately become fully awake and starting to freak out…those are complete suicidal threat words! I know that is a big concern with the medication he is on, so I start calling him, but he won’t pick up my calls. I text him telling him to pick up my calls and then call me, but he finally responds “no. I’m in a bad place right now [emotionally] and I will not speak.” Okay then. So thru texts, I let him know that I’m here for him, which provokes the response of “well where were you these last few days then”. I let him know that I was giving him his space b/c he seemed upset at me and that I was always there and always will be there for him”. (I have no idea how to handle a suicidal person, but I was trying my best). He finally says don’t worry about him (yeah, right!) and just to go to bed. The only way I could leave it was to say that S and I love him and need him in our lives.

I’m praying it was a cry for help and that he made it thru the night, but honestly, I don’t know at this point. I don’t believe he would follow thru with it, but you have to take every threat seriously. There wasn’t much else I could do last night except give him words of support thru texts since he wouldn’t answer my calls and I couldn’t go to him b/c I still don’t know where he lives. I’m thinking about calling his dr just to let him know what happened last night, but this is all new to me, so I really don’t know how it all works. Scary tho. I hope he’s ok. =/

[awest1217]

I know the one thing about a suicidal person is that you have to tell someone. You may want to tell his doctor in confidence and see if H also brings it up so the doctor is aware since this could be a symptom of his meds.

[Lucky11too]

So things are not going too well for H. After the incident on Wednesday night, I invited him over on Thursday to watch a movie. He came over and was so happy to see me and said that he missed me. Even more so, he said that my touch gave him the chills (in a good way). I'm struggling on how to deal with it all on my end, b/c I can't be responsible for him and his actions, but I feel like our R has a direct reaction on how low he gets - ie, when he's with me, he's happy, but when he's not and gets home by himself, he sinks. Still, that's his choice right now and it could be different if he would take the steps to make it different. The only good thing is that maybe he will start to take the steps soon as he seems to be learning how much he needs me in his life. I'm still very concerned about him though. He said he hit a dark spot again last night. I believe he should be having a follow up appt with the dr this week (he said the follow up would be in 4 weeks), but I just hope he makes it thru until then. I don't know exactly where he is mentally, but hopefully if he feels really bad, he'll go to the dr earlier.

I'm disappointed though b/c I was really hoping for him to finally get some relief from all the horrible mental demons he's been facing these last two years. In a selffish way, I want him to be better, so we can work on us, but even besides that, I want him better for himself and as S's father. I know medicine is not a cure all, but his brain really is so messed up that he can't handle "life" on his own, so I don't think there's much hope besides meds to regulate him. I hope the dr will have some thoughts - new meds, different dose, etc. Hopefully H is not too discouraged that he gives up though. It's just hard to not really know what to do to help him.

Besides that, S is sick again - woke up this moring with a fever. =/ Yesterday, I started wrapping gifts, so S was super excited to see presents under the tree (but the not opening them part is the hard part!) I'm trying to get christmas cards out today, so all in all, it's been super busy.

[awest1217]

You really have to be patient with this process which I know you are already very patient. It is going to a take a while for H to feel the effects of any meds, and some will make it worse. Also the surgery and his sleep still isn't completely back to normal because the brain takes years to recover, and to top it all off, H is going to have to go to some type of therapy to learn how to deal with these low times. He has to get some coping devises because they will still come even with meds.

I agree with you that he needs meds, but he also will need to learn some communication to help him as well. Ways to learn to communicate how he is feeling and understanding what he can do to feel better.

It is still a long road ahead, but things are so much better than last year.

I hope S feels better soon.