I just keep asking myself why I even want him back and to be truthful, I can't come up with a good answer. I love him, I do, but he has done nothing but lie and cheat on me for over 17 years. I am so bloody tired! I deserve so much better than that!
Do you need to understand why you want him back right now?
Isn't the fact that you love him, simple enough for the time being?
Originally Posted By: Bethann
cat04 - what do I want for me? Peace - I'm tired of fighting and I know you're going to say stop fighting, but some things need to be discussed and he can't seem to talk without being mean and horrible.
Already, in simply a few posts you know what I am going to say?
Maybe not, but is this a pattern for you?
Believe me, I get it, jumping to the logical, to what you would say, making that assumption...
Sometimes, it is really important to actually give someone else a chance to speak and LISTEN to what they are saying. I have been surprised more than once LOL.
Originally Posted By: Bethann
And what can I control -- only my actions -- I get that, but even when I'm calm, he still is screaming and belittling. He doesn't fight fair -- he goes straight for the jugular. What can I do to affect some small measurable change right now??
Tell me Bethann, what do you do when he goes straight for the jugular?
Do you scream back, get defensive, clam up, or do you tell him that you cannot speak to him when he is yelling at you and walk away?
If you take away the target, he has nothing to shoot at.
It is not acceptable that he take his anger out at you that way, however if you continue to allow him to do that by engaging him, he will continue to do it.
Right now, anything you try to tell him, is going to be met with resistance.
You telling him he can't leave the kids alone, was seen by him as a judgement of his parenting. He doesn't want your judgement or criticism.
You have to change your behavior, words, and reactions in order to affect small change.
I really can't tell you step by step what to do. No one can. We can't live this for you, but we can try to help you through it.
It isn't hopeless.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
