Congrats on starting the work. Mach, Steve, Coach and others are giving you great stuff here. (But Please avoid advice that is actually someone just projecting their sitch onto you. They mean well but may be way off target and distract you from your 180's, and detaching, etc.)
Aside from really hearing these guys, and validating her so there's no arguing, I am wondering about that when it comes to her IRA's, finances and other consequences of the divorce. True, as my DB coach said, it's NOT our job to "teach the WAS a lesson" or give them the consequences of their choices. Life does that for them, not us.
But why help her out with figuring out the ramifications of her hurting you and the kids? I mean it seems to me to be a bit much. Like she has no clue that you are hurting from HER actions, and that HER discomfort with HER choices isn't really your problem?? As for her guilt about the kids...gee, I don't know, some people call it having a conscience. At those moments, when she feels that pain, is a good time to NOT speak out with a parental voice. Let her inner voice tell her what's going on. Back off big time. MAYBE Even say "I don't know how to help you cope with the pain your choices are causing YOU b/c I am dealing with my own pain from them..." I'm not sure but see if the others feel the same...coach? Mach? What do you guys think of her telling him about HER concerns for security AND how her children will feel when she leaves them?? Gee, I just can't see her h comforting her right then. Maybe see what Robx says. I know we're supposed to "listen like a lover" (per my db coach) but I never had to deal with that. My h did complain about the cold and his loneliness b/c we were here and he was NOT...and I said, "well it's warm here"...and tried to empathize but he knew it was ALL his choices. I had to let him go figure out what seemed obvious to the world.
I say this without knowing what your issues are though. What would she say about you and the m, as to why she's leaving? And what, if any of it, is valid?
That'll help us to know so we can help you with specific advice. Oh, the Holidays approach. Be prepared.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
