New Poster - Need MLC Help and Advice for Wife

[ericmsant2]

John

In response to my question….

Over the last few years what else did she complain about? Specifically complaints about YOU.

You answered….

She never really complained about anything. She just has always been a frustrated and annoyed person pretty much her whole life. It isn't just with me, but with almost everyone. I think it would bother her then when I would try and cheer her up or try and help her figure out what is wrong. Her family does have medical depression in it, but she won't look into that.

FTR, the question was intended to identify things that maybe YOU need to work on. BUT from reading your response I kinda came to the following:

a. you either have done nothing wrong that she complained about, which honestly I find difficult to accept.
b. I noticed a lot of “she”, “her” in your response, which lead me to believe that YOU feel like the victim
c. If she has been miserable her whole life and towards everyone, why did you stay married and 2) do you really want to be married to her and if so, what does that say about YOU.

I’m not trying to be an ass John, just pointing out what I see in your response.

I have the book Divorce Busting, should I read Divorce Remedy instead? Any other recommended resources?

I would pick up the Divorce Remedy and read it oh…say about 3 times. Especially the section on mid life crisis. In addition, I will see if Cadet can post links to the resource threads. I suggest you read all of them several times.

I know I should at least get a life.

Don’t let fear stop ya. Go get a life buddy. I would recommend that you avoid the old hanging out until the wee hours of the morning and coming home totally chit faced. JMO.

I am nervous though to be in fun situations with women as I know I am very messed up inside and hurting and am afraid I will fall into the same trap.

What trap is that? Do you mean an affair? If you do, then maybe you do have something to work on. Maybe you need to work on controlling your emotions. Feel nervous around women ya say…hey so do I. Doesn’t mean that you cannot go out with Men (and no I don’t mean like really go out with a man  )

I also am worried this will just encourage my wife to just go out more as at least now she feels some guilt.

If ya think Guilt is how ya want to KEEP her…think again. Would you like to remain in an R because of GUILT. Sound a little controlling if ya ask me. Hey, controlling…another thing that ya may want to work on.

I know I need to do something different though as what I am doing isn't working because I feel like crap most of the time.

GALing will help. Do something that does not make you feel like crap.

I always felt that a good father, husband, and man doesn't have time for a lot of friends and hobbies, but that doesn't seem to be working too well for me right now...

“when I knew better – I did better”.

If something is not working for YOU john – CHANGE IT.

my response to the question of could you keep the house..

[quote]I probably financially could, but not sure I would want to. It is her beautiful dream house and I do enjoy it, but for me I don’t need all of that to be happy. I would probably easier on the kids though to keep it if it comes to that.

1) If you enjoy it why leave?
2) If it is better for the kids – why leave?
3) If you can afford it – why leave?

If you answer any of the question with…”cause she wants me to” – it is the wrong answer.

That I have been a doormat.... Reflecting on things is powerful but sucks.

John, see your doormat comment up there ^^^^ . Read it again and then tell me why would YOU even consider leaving the house again.

I know I need to try and have patience and give it time.

Time is on YOUR side. You will see that when you read the DR book and the resources.

I just feel so disrespected, unappreciated, and unvalued.

Disrespected is state of mind THAT YOU allow yourself to feel. And FTR, I am sure that your W feel disrespected but chances are she can’t say that to you – YET!

I am so mad and hurt that I am having a hard time understanding how a person can do that.

You will be surprised what some people can do. Do you think that you can control what another person does? Who do YOU control?

It feels like your getting dragged thru hell over the last 7 months or so and counting.

Welcome to the world of MLC hell. 7 months ain’t chit…your just starting…

In some ways I just want closure and move on because I'm hurting so much

CHOICE…what does this word me to YOU? Oh…and FTR, your ready to move on in 7 months? Sure about that?

I also know how bull headed she is and doubt she is willing to make very many changes.

1) You can make changes and 2) never doubt someone else ability to change and 3) I bet she says the same about you. Do you think she is right?

Oh and re: snooping. I can tell you not to but your gonna do it anyway…but I tell you not to anyway.

Do not snoop.

Why?

It is controlling (especially if ya get caught and trust me you will get caught)

It will hurt YOU (and if you ever want a shot to recon – trust me ya don’t wanna know)

It is energy and time spent on HER when you could spend it on YOU.

God Bless,
Eric