She's in MLC, but I was weak. Now what?

[ericmsant2]

Crushed,

I am sorry your having a hard time and feeling the way that you do.

When does this get easier?

Honestly, the only way I can answer this is…

1) It really does get easier
2) It get easier when you let her completely go and a divorce does NOT give you the freedom that you are really seeking
3) It get easier when you CHOOSE to take the necessary steps to make it easier
4) Time –

I'm taking all suggestions from those who must deal with the offending spouse on a daily basis .

Man I read the above quote and said….Crushed must be asking for my response directly.

15 months Crushed – 15 months. Yep, that is how long I have live with my W and have dealt with this. 15 months.

Crushed, you have no idea of what I have lived with for 15 months. Daily interactions. Daily. So how do you deal with it? I think we have said this to you several times.

Before I answer….

Ya see, your still acting as if something YOU do may just get her to wake the f*ck up. Stop it Crushed. Please. You continue to allow her actions to really piss you off and your struggling in part because You have not gotten over OM yet. You still think the OM is your competition. You still think that HE is the problem. He is not. You still think that somehow YOUR actions have caused all of this. Yeah, try to tell me that you have not had those days when you sit there and say this whole MLC thing is a crock of chit. Well buddy, it is not. YOUR W has lost her f*cking mind. She is trying to relive something in her past. She is totally lost and right now, SHE FEELS that OM is the solution to her problem. You soooo want to fix this crushed but ya can’t and because you can’t you feel helpless. You get frustrated.

Now you can try the following….

You can sit down and try and talk to her (I’ve been there done that)

you can try and have family talk some sense into her (I’ve been there done that)

you can try and have friend talk to her (I’ve been there done that)

you can try and manipulate her by doing things to get a response from her (I’ve been there done that)

you can try and make her jealous (I’ve been there done that)

you can try and detach in a manner that is SHOWING HER that you are detached – of course expecting a response (I’ve been there done that).

you can try and go out on a date and force yourself to be done (I’ve been there done that)

you can try and play the kid card…you know…you become super dad hoping that she will come to her senses (I’ve been there done that)

you can try the guilt game. This game you play with just about everyone involved kids, her parents, your mutual friends (I’ve been there done that}

you can try the I’m gonna look happy and act like everything is fine approach (I’ve been there done that)
you can try I’ll be her friend approach (with AN EXPECTATION of course) (I’ve been there done that)

I guess my point in that YOU can try to FIX this all you want. YOUR W must look inward and NOTHING YOU DO WILL MAKE HER DO THIS.

So back to your original question how do you deal with this….

YOU TOTALLY LET THE FU*K GO.

Okay, so your sitting there and reading this and sayin…fu*k Eric I’m trying but I can’t. I feel ya bud, I do man. I soooo do. You can deal with her Crushed. I am sorry to say, ya have kids your going to have to learn how to deal with her. BUT let me give something else to think about and chew on…

How do you let go….

STEP 1 – ACCEPT that this is ABOUT HER. I mean really ACCEPT IT. It aint what you did or didn’t do. Yes maybe some of your prior actions contributed to some of the M issues that you had but dude, ya didn’t cause her to hit her crisis. FTR, she did not ask for this either.

STEP 2 – I was gonna say detach but that is so cliché so what I will say is figure out when YOU feel like interacting with her. Stop trying to do chit that makes her feel better or doing stuff that you think will “help” her see the light and/or the new Crushed. That is what detachment is for. It really is for YOU.

STEP 3 – DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. Call it GAL, call it whatever ya want but just live your life as if she is not coming back. FTR, the desire to be with someone else will rear it head. It’s normal so don’t go beating yourself up over it. My advice would be not to do it but honestly…many have done it. Don’t go kidding yourself. So please crushed live your life the way you want to live it.

STEP 4 – Keep praying. Ya know over the past year my prayers have changed (as I have changed as well). I used to pray “oh lord jesus christ (think of Eddie Murphy in his stand up comedy skit raw) please bring me back my wife”. NOW I pray…”lord grant me the strength to deal with whatever you put in my life and let YOUR WILL be done”. Keep an open mind and step back from all of this.

And my final step….

BE YOURSELF!

Yep, stop doing thing and acting in a way that is not the new you. Just be yourself and stop worrying about her and what she is gonna think, say, feel. Fuc* dude don’t even worry about her filing. Just be YOURSELF. Learn to trust and love yourself. Realize Crushed that she does not define you.

I leave you with this Crushed….

Choose to be the best Man you can be. Choose to let YOUR W be the person that she wants to be RIGHT NOW. Choose to live everyday as if it is your last. Choose to be happy.

Now get up, man up, and do what YOU feel is best for Crushed.

Are you gonna let her defeat you?

Are you gonna let her make YOU feel uncomfortable?

Are you gonna let her dictate the MAN that you are and the Man that you strive to be.

Let her GO Crushed. Not for YOU…….

For HER.

And that my friend is how YOU love her.

God Bless,
Eric