New Poster - Need MLC Help and Advice for Wife

[Grocerykartman]

John,

I'm here to tell you that as difficult as it is to not snoop, you need to not snoop. And boy is it hard not to, but you're a strong person and can do this. Think of the biggest challenge you ever made it through in your life. Then tell yourself, hey, I conquered that challenge, I can be strong enough not to snoop.

Why should you not find out the truth and let things run their course? Because the truth WILL hurt. It can hurt so much that you may not be able to overlook what you find out. That's what happened to me. I snooped a lot. Started off at a moderate level, but then your imagination takes over as the incriminating information starts piling up.

I would check her bank accounts, for example. Debits showed up immediately...so I would know when she was out of town at baseball game with the other man. What was I to do then? Call and scream at her? Didn't change the fact that she had already went with him and all I could do was imagine and assume how much fun they were having together. Then, I'd start wondering, so are they getting a hotel room tonight? They'd be getting back awful late...etc...etc...

Drove me crazy. Paralyzed me really. Couldn't think straight at work, couldn't be there fully for my daughter, and on a more selfish but necessary level, I was simply wasting the time I should have been spending imoproving myself. My obsession of pursuing the truth, so that "I did not look like a fool", kept me from productively spending my time, GALing and improving me.

Hard as this is to hear, I think you have to "let" things with her and this band member guy run their course. She's an adult, so you cannot stop her from seeing him, you cannot make her want to stay with you, you cannot make her feel any particular way about you, you have no control over her. All you have control of is you, and how you choos to improve your life.

The noblest thing to do here is to remain LOYAL, but detach. Make yourself the man you want to be. If you succeed in doing so, she MAY find that attractive enough to turn her head back the other way toward you. She also MAY not. If not, then it's her choice and her loss. But you will only grow to resent her more if you find out additional things you can't live with or forgive as a result of snooping. You will not be giving yourself the time you need to improve yourself.