"It is very possible to cheat and love your spouse at the same time. "
Surprisingly this happens often where the spouse having the affair has feelings for both spouse and OP. I've seen it on a number of affair documentaries, references and sites.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
My H and I began having serious problems in our marriage in about year 8. We sadly did not take care of them properly~ and not all the times up to then or after then were bad, but they certainly were not as good/great as they could have been.
We split after 19 years of marriage- 6 years ago.
We were very close to full reconciliation almost a year ago now. I wasn't ready- I still had lots of anger and felt I needed many things clarified. I ended up blowing up one night and in one fell swoop took away all the good I had done. He was scared again~ scared of living with anger and control and the other bad things I have been known to bring to the table.
We went complete no contact for two months, from early Jan. until early March. After that, we slowly began trying to rebuild the friendship. It has once again crossed over to something more, and I am hopeful that this time it will "stick" so to speak.
I am not trying to make YOUR thread about ME. I offered up the three things that I did because they were the things that I wish I had understood and believed. I would have been able to lose the anger a lot faster.
Since I lived it, I will repeat again that it is VERY possible to love your spouse yet cheat. By that time I was convinced that my H just didn't care about me, and never had. And yep, here enters a guy who thought I was the greatest thing on earth. I loved my H...I loved my kids. I just wanted to love ME, and I think that the boost I was getting was my chicken $hit way of convincing myself that I was lovable.
I didn't love this guy. Never did. I just liked the version of ME that he seemed to believe in. That was the draw. He was not anywhere near as attractive as my H, and I was not really all that physically attracted to him.
There really is a lot more to it, and a lot of revelations that came in time. I don't want to clog up your thread, and I have already offered more than you asked. I just did not like Allen telling me that I didn't know my own feelings.
Quite honestly, that firm belief that you can't possibly love someone if you cheat on him/her is what led me away from my H in the first place.
Cordial, yes. Businesslike? Well, I understand that you have business to attend to...just remember your controlling nature and try to squelch that. There is a way to get the things you want/need without manipulating someone/a situation.
What else? Well, what parts of you did he fall in love with? Give him nice little glimpses of that again.
And yep, I agree that he is probably loving OW's idea of him.... We do gravitate towards those who make us feel good about ourselves.
The beauty of that situation though?
When you know deep down that you don't deserve it, you become unfillable once again. And then you can move on to another starry-eyed lover, or you can do the work on yourself. Thank God I chose the second option....
Not wanting to rake over old mistakes for ever, but me and everyone else in his life has spent a year telling him what an a$$ he is, and yet he kept it up...
How does someone come back from that?
And how, when I am on the other side of the world..good for detaching, not great for reconciling...
Well, we'll see I guess.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
