So, I've been trying the DB techniques/180s for about 10 days now. My WAH is not living at home and I only see him a couple of times a week when he visits our baby. The first weekend of doing the DB seemed to go pretty well--he told his mom we talked like we haven't talked in a long time. This weekend he seemed more shut down--not cold or anything like that--just more reserved that he had been. Not sure how to take that. Don't know if he is starting to doubt his leaving, but is too scared to say anything. Don't know if he is just miserable when he is at home and can't hide it. I just don't know. He is not indicating any change in his plans of not coming home. We do plan to spend Thanksgiving Day just us and the baby, but he is leaving to go out of state to his family after that. Just don't know what to do anymore. I know I can't expect major change after just 10 days of doing the DB, but I'm so ready to see something!! This probably makes no sense to anyone, but I just needed to vent and to see if anyone had any words of encouragement out there. Should I just stick to my tactics and see what happens? ugh!
M-32, WAH 32 D-7 months Bomb of PA 9/25 WAH left 10/24 D Filed by WAH
Don't be discouraged! What have you done differently between the first weekend and the second? If it's truly nothing...don't sweat it. Sometimes it takes awhile, and the holidays can be tricky. He may just be down, in a funk, and maybe he's questioning. Stay positive.
sg
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Changes I've made: no relationship talk in two weeks, trying to GAL, being upbeat, happy, and as attractive as possible when he's around, acting like I'm "okay" with all of this, being supportive and interested in his life (being a friend), doing nice things for myself, learning to stay home and not run to stay with someone else every night so I don't have to be alone, trying not to initiate contact unless I have to regarding baby. I don't really know what I was asking either--just looking for encouragement I think. I know things won't be better overnight, but the wait is very difficult. I know none of us ever imagined being in these situations, but this has all just been a total shock to me and I'm dealing with someone that I used to know inside and out--now he's almost like a stranger. Thanks for just listening, though. I appreciate any and all feedback! :-)
M-32, WAH 32 D-7 months Bomb of PA 9/25 WAH left 10/24 D Filed by WAH
Those are good questions, Mach1! I'm not really sure how to answer, but I need to figure it out! I guess goals would be to get to the point that I am truly okay with this. If he comes back, great. If not, then that's great too. I want to be closer to God and be a great example to my daughter--spiritually, mentally, physically. I want to be more financially independent and not have to depend on his income. The only thing I can change right now is how I respond to him (which I have been working on) and not get caught up in trying to pick apart every thing he says to find hidden meaning. That's driving me crazy! That's what I think of off the top of my head, but I know I need to give it some more serious thought!
M-32, WAH 32 D-7 months Bomb of PA 9/25 WAH left 10/24 D Filed by WAH
I enjoy arts/crafts like quilting and scrapbooking. I was working on a scrapbook for our baby, but since all this has happened I stopped b/c it was too painful. Baby was born in April, so this was supposed to be a very happy time for us, so it's hard to look at all the pictures. I've looked into taking some dance classes with a friend, so I may do that. I love traveling. Everything has pretty much always involved him b/c we did a lot together. So, I just have to figure out where to go from here. I'm not giving up, even though everyone tells me I need to. It's just not easy to give up on someone you love so much and have invested so much time and history with. Plus, we have a daughter, so I have to fight for her, too. But, I know I have to take care of myself in the mean time....
M-32, WAH 32 D-7 months Bomb of PA 9/25 WAH left 10/24 D Filed by WAH
When you do a page in your Daughter's scrapbook...
That is for her, not the marriage.
Try to change your focus of the reason and things get "fun" again...
Do those things because you want to do them......
Friends and family will try to "guide" you through this time.
Most of them just want to see you , not in pain anymore.
This causes them to "tell" you what you should or shouldn't do.
The decision to stand for your marriage needs to burn internally, not externally.
If you have chosen to stand, then that is what you need to do.
If they are true to you....They will ask how you need support.
There is no harm in stating that this is your decision, and I would like your support , rather than your fixes for me. And if you cannot, then we cannot talk about this anymore.
You make a lot of sense, and I appreciate your help here. You are right--the scrapbook is for my baby, not my marriage. I have to start living with more of that attitude. I have asked my family to be more accepting of my decision to try to save my marriage and asked them to reach out to my husband just to let him know they don't hate him. So far, they are not receptive. In my opinion, if I can work on forgiveness and still love him, they have no reason not to. I know they want what they think is best for me, but I'm the one living with this, so I need that respect from them. I've definitely had to stop talking with them about things as much as I was b/c it was only making things worse. Today is my WAH birthday and I've asked my family to tell him happy b/day, but I don't think they have or will. Thanks again, you've been helpful and insightful.
M-32, WAH 32 D-7 months Bomb of PA 9/25 WAH left 10/24 D Filed by WAH
