Thanks, SDF. You're right, of course. You know how hard it is to sit still, though.
Yes, I do, especially since I was definitely one to act out of emotion even before the bomb. I could go thermonuclear.
Originally Posted By: sigh....again?
Some special notes here:
I will never get the proof you had. She's very clever and has been using fake accounts, other names, multiple email, IM and chat platforms. I get antsy just seeing her on the PC or her Smartphone. It drives me nuts!
This is #2! The first was a PA, and we came back strong for 2 years. I did some major 180's, and held onto most of them, esp the ones addressing her most major complaints. Now she's in this EA, and claiming a new set of issues with me. We can come back again, and if we do, I think this one will be for keeps....BUT she'll need to accept some blame this time and do some hard work too.
It doesn't matter what you can prove...you know. I knew before I found that letter, just by the way H was acting. I knew how he was when he was courting, and it was all over him. I actually hung out with him, OW, and another friend before the bomb but after he'd developed feelings for her, and that's what confirmed it for me.
In any case, the only thing you need to decide is whether you want to save the marriage or not. I do think that your MC needs to know this is #2, and I do think that your W needs IC. Personally, I won't go through it a second time and my H is clear on that point. I told him I'm willing to talk about any issues he has with me at any point, but if he steps outside our M again, he can't pack up his $hit and go. I did enough work with DB on myself that I know I'll be okay.
If she gets to the point where she's willing to R, I think putting some boundaries and conditions into place is in order. Transparency, IC for her, continued MC for you both, what else?
You can't make her be faithful, and it's possible she's not willing to stand up and own her crap. Does she play the victim a lot? Does she depend on outside things to validate her? Has she ever dealt with the rape? She needs IC...and for me, this would be a condition of R. My H was in IC even before he dropped the bomb, and he continued for almost a year afterwards. I got into IC when H dropped the bomb. We both did our individual work, and then we did our work together.
I couldn't do it a second time. I'm really clear that it wouldn't be about me but about him.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
