Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[Lucky11too]

Trust me, I completely understand, I'm in a funk as well. I don't know what it is - the weather, thanksgiving, lack of sleep, or what, but definitely feeling down too. I'm discouraged from this weekend. On Friday, I texted H to see how his night was going, and he was all upset b/c the power had gone out for hours on the whole block where the new place was at. Friday night at primetime was the worse possible time for this to happen. So then comes Saturday and H come over. He said he was hitting a low spot again so I encouraged him to come over and see S and I. When he got there tho, I could totally smell alcohol on his breath, so I asked him if he had just had a beer or something. It turns out that no, he hadn’t, but that it was a carry over from the previous night. Since the place had no power, they shut down and him at all the staff went out and partied at a nearby bar (&he said they were all trying to get him drunk). Ok, so there are multiple problems with this. 1) He finally had a Friday night off, yet he chose to party with his co-workers instead of using that time to spend w/ me (frustrating especially since he was “working” all week and we hadn’t seen each other). This has been a reoccurring problem with us. Yes, he works a lot, so when he has time off, he should WANT to hang out with me. If it was reversed, he would be my first choice. 2) “partying with co-workers” – the problem right there. He needs to keep a distance from them as we learned from the old place that he doesn’t know how to keep work and personal life separate. I can’t go thru this with co-workers again. 3) The drinking! I was pretty upset, so I started withdrawing. After his spiel, he commented that he should have just come here to see me. I just said, “yeah, you should of”. I hope he gets that and means that instead of just trying to say what I wanted to hear. He could tell I was upset, so he asked if I was. I choose my words carefully and after pausing, I said something about how I would have just liked to have seen him. Then to encourage him (& indirectly let him know I expect more of him then this) said I understand how this is a journey and he will have his slips once in a while (this in my opinion was a slip, not ok to happen if we were back together). I also reminded him how far he has come from last year (from the continuous drinking, the fighting, and the risky behavior). I hope he took what I said to heart. I know he’s discouraged that he’s not doing better by this point (after this year long journey of the brain scan, some counseling, the sleep study, the surgery, and now meds). These are all just “steps”, so hopefully he’ll continue with it and feel more relief in the coming year.

Another thing I have been thinking a lot about, is what is best for S. I’ve been fighting for our family b/c that’s what I thought was best for S, but what if it’s not? S is really in one of the best environments possible right now. Living with parents, it’s been a great mix of love, learning, and discipline. Whenever H comes over, I just realize he doesn’t get S or any of it. I mentioned this weekend how S has been waking up every night with what I am assuming is nightmares, so we need to really watch what S is being exposed to (meaning particularly at inlaws. They were watching the new Alice and Wonderland the other day. Hello? What are they thinking? That is waaaayyyy to scary for a 2 year old. I’m just getting so frustrated. I wish I could just be home and raise my own S!) But anyways, H just completely brushed my comment off. Then H came over for dinner on Saturday night and I was cooking dinner, S made a poopy diaper. I asked H to take care of it while I finished up dinner, and he was freaking out saying he would do anything but that. I had him finish up the salad and I took care of the diaper, but really? C’mon! Then during dinner, (w/ the 3 of us), S kept asking for grandma (my mom). Then I tried to get S to play with H while I cleaned up, but S doesn’t want anything to do w/ him. I feel like I’m always having to force S to be with H. Once in awhile, when S is in a good mood, H is a good playmate. But besides that, S doesn’t want H. He wants mommy, grandma and grandpa. So I don’t know. It all just made me question what I am trying to do.

I think my stress about not trusting H and the fear of another OW and getting hurt again, is spilling over into my dreams. I’ve been having these awful dreams about him having a PA and it’s so painful – even in a dream! I’m not one to have those instincts or gut feelings on stuff, so it is what it is – my fear. How can I make sure this doesn’t happen again, you know? Right now, he is completely physically attracted to me, what happens if I gain a few pounds, or get wrinkles, or get pregnant again? Anything? I just need to know that we have something deeper and unconditional. So obviously, my mind is all over the place right now. I don’t know why he can’t be more like me and be willing to commit and be faithful, honest, and loving? Is it really that hard?

Besides H, pictures went ok this weekend. S looked soooooo cute, but he was not cooperating! All he wanted to do was stick out his tongue and spit. What a boy! Despite that, we ended up getting two cute pics of him and one of him and I that I am going to use for our Christmas card. I’m trying to figure out how to sign the Christmas card. Either “from the ______ family” or “Love My Name and S’s Name”. It feels a little odd just doing S and I, but that’s what we are right now – mommy and S.