New Poster - Need MLC Help and Advice for Wife

[john23]

John

First I am sorry that you find yourself here.

Instead of enjoying this time, my wife has become more and more distant from me over the last few years.

Over the last few years what else did she complain about? Specifically complaints about YOU.
She never really complained about anything. She just has always been a frustrated and annoyed person pretty much her whole life. It isn't just with me, but with almost everyone. I think it would bother her then when I would try and cheer her up or try and help her figure out what is wrong. Her family does have medical depression in it, but she won't look into that.

Yep sound like your W is having a crisis of some sort. I really suggest that you read the resources several times.

When you do I would like to you answer this? I have the book Divorce Busting, should I read Divorce Remedy instead? Any other recommended resources?

What can you do right now for yourself? I know I should at least get a life. I am nervous though to be in fun situations with women as I know I am very messed up inside and hurting and am afraid I will fall into the same trap. I also am worried this will just encourage my wife to just go out more as at least now she feels some guilt. I know I need to do something different though as what I am doing isn't working because I feel like crap most of the time. I always felt that a good father, husband, and man doesn't have time for a lot of friends and hobbies, but that doesn't seem to be working too well for me right now...

• Enjoys when I am away for work. Gives her space.
• Hasn’t been happy for the last 10 years (looking back I can see it now) I would always ask what was wrong, but she would say nothing is.
• Doesn’t have the same feelings for me.

This ^^^ is what we call MLC script. Right now you need to understand and accept that this is HOW SHE FEELS. Just remember that feelings change. Regarding the “script” we refer to you – let me show you something.

• She knows she would be hard to live with and that the issue isn’t me.

My wife said the same and honestly, this is really how your W feels. She is on a journey that could take a very long time. You John, will need to start your own journey.

• Wished I would find someone else to act the way I want

My wife said the same thing – They often want us to meet someone else so that they feel justified by their actions.

(Brought up to her a few times the lack of affection she gives me. Very self centered and won’t even kiss me on the lips anymore)

These type of statements to HER do YOU no good. Why? In short, everytime you say how YOU feel to her, you take the focus off of how SHE feels and make it about how YOU feel. Right now, as I said earlier this really is about HER.

• Asked if I would be able to keep the house if she left.

Would you?
I probably financially could, but not sure I would want to. It is her beautiful dream house and I do enjoy it, but for me I don’t need all of that to be happy. I would probably easier on the kids though to keep it if it comes to that.

She doesn’t want to leave because everyone would think she is the bad guy.

Once you read the resources you will understand that in HER mind YOU are the problem, so it is to be expected that she does not want to appear as the bad guy.

(Everyone that knows my wife and I well know that I am a people pleaser and have always done anything for her)

So YOU doing everything FOR her tells you what about YOURSELF?
That I have been a doormat.... Reflecting on things is powerful but sucks.

• Wondering if we could still be friends if something happened

Yep – my W said the same things…all the while she was with OP. She wants to be friends to make HER feel better. The bigger question is can YOU be HER friend while she is going through this. Before you answer that…define YOUR definition of a friend first.

I comforted her and said we need to work on this together and it would be both of our faults if it didn’t work. For a few days I thought about this and was hurt more and more. Since then over the last few months we’ve had other talks where she has said:
• Doesn’t want to lose control or say in the kids half of the time.
• Doesn’t want me to try too hard and do nice things for her anymore.
• Doesn’t want to lose our lifestyle.

Back to one of my other questions…can you be her friend while she is off hanging out with the band. One other KEY point to make to you is this….

I know I need to try and have patience and give it time. I just feel so disrespected, unappreciated, and unvalued. I am so mad and hurt that I am having a hard time understanding how a person can do that. It feels like your getting dragged thru hell over the last 7 months or so and counting.
While you are giving her want she wants….(see below_

• Wants space.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO FOR YOU? I don't know yet. Definitely need to do more to keep my sanity.

I started to get paranoid and checked into things. I noticed in her email account she has emailed a suspected band member several times about assorted things. I also overheard her say once that she can’t get this guy out of her head and should probably quit going to the concerts. She has since gone on a paranoid lockdown and changed passwords on everything.

Where there is smoke there usually is FIRE. I am not saying she is having an affair but sorry dude chances are that she is. What will you do if you find that she is sleeping with the band member?
For me it would probably be over. Not sure I could ever get past that. In some ways I just want closure and move on because I'm hurting so much. I also know how bull headed she is and doubt she is willing to make very many changes.

I’ve asked her to leave a few times because I don’t want to be somewhere I am needed but not wanted. Has always said I need to be the one that leaves.

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE! She wants out and needs space well then she can pack her chit and leave.

The more I look back also now on our relationship, I realize how dysfunctional and one sided it was. For our entire married life she has been so controlling and unaffectionate towards me. She is extremely moody and I feel has borderline depression issues.

So do you still want this M? A lot of days no. I'm not really sure why I hang on. I probably don't want to be the bad guy right now and kind of want to catch her in a big enough lie to be done.

I am struggling I guess with what to do next. Do I continue to pursue and look at accounts to try and figure out what is really going on, which seems to be such a difficult roller coaster ride?

Do not snoop (although I know you will) – Do not. You may not see it now but really you will only hurt yourself IF you confirm your suspicions.

Another option I’ve read is to detach.

VERY GOOD MOVE. DETACH – keep your mouth shut and give her space.

Thanks for the advice and insight. I'll probably work on detatching better and trying to have patience for now. Eric