sigh....again?

[SDFoundGirl]

Your ego is getting in your way. Let it go. My H said the same thing to me...that he felt he'd made the "wrong choice."

Was it hard to hear? Yes. But it was how he felt in the moment, and to be honest, I'd had the same thought myself on occasion. Not only that, but I didn't blame him based on where our relationship was at, even before his EA.

Do you REALLY want to save your M? Or do you just want to be right and have HER fix HERSELF? You have two choices here..do you want to be Right or Happy?

Since your W is the walkaway (and willing to be in MC with you), if you want this to work, your best chance is to shut up and listen in therapy. Now, I'm not saying there won't be a time when you get to bring up all of the OM stuff, your feelings about betrayal, etc. It will come, but you must be patient.

Your W probably didn't feel heard in your M. I know I stopped communicating directly because my H had his own agenda, and my stuff came out in passive aggressive ways rather than an affair.

The clue is in your wife's response: "She talked about how she can just talk to oM, and he never judges her."

Reread that last sentence because it is a gift your W gave you. Copy it down, print it out, put it in your wallet and read it when your ego gets engaged.

The one thing I learned through DB is that it is not my place to judge my spouse...or anyone else but MYSELF. It's made it easier to just be the sounding board, the person who can hold the space when my H wants to talk. He talks a lot more now and asks for what he needs BECAUSE I can listen without judgment (well, most of the time...I AM human).

When my H and I were going through this, he was still in an EA when we started MC. I shut my mouth in therapy and listened. I let him bring up whatever he wanted/needed to bring up, and I responded with my perceptions/thoughts, and the MC helped us hear each other. For example, my H thought that I didn't like people because I never really wanted to go out to parties, etc. I told him I loved people I knew and was comfortable with, but going into crowds of unknown people gave me extreme anxiety (and the MC helped him understand I had social anxiety).

Yes, my H is the one who stepped outside of the M, but since he was the one who bombed me and was on the fence, I let him bring up his issues FIRST. I sat in weekly MC for about 3 months before I brought up anything, and that was only because my H had run out of things to bring up. He felt heard, he saw my 180s, and he was recommitting to our M.

You must get control over your emotions. Trust me, I *do* know the overwhelming urge to scream or storm out. I confirmed the EA my H was having while he was asleep downstairs and I went through his briefcase. I found a letter he'd written that he was painstakingly editing with red pen (that part hurt...he was trying to get the words just right) telling OW every little thing he loved about her.

What I WANTED to do was wake him up, smack him, and throw him out. I was shaking with anger and fear, late at night, no one to talk to. I MADE myself sit on the couch and breathe until I could trust myself not to take action. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it was the right thing to do. In the moment, it would have felt good to unleash the beast, but I know I would have at the least set us back and at the worst ended our M.

Ego has no place here. Set it aside, and wait for your turn. Tell the truth in MC, but let her bring her stuff up first.

BTW, I'm not telling you to be a doormat. I set boundaries with my H while all of this was going on, and I didn't put up with stinky treatment from him.

This is what worked for me. We're nearly 5 years post bomb, and our M is better than it's ever been. It is worth all the time, pain, effort, and struggle.

SD