What's da haps, man?

[v1olin]

Soleil,

In my opinion he wants the D to go through before working on your relationship because he KNOWS HE CAN'T COMMIT. Think about it, if you two where still married and he felt it was not working out then you would be stuck going through D all over again.

[ImprovedRomeo]

STBX says that "it's too late" for us to go back since we've already plopped $ down for Ls so we should just go thru with it.

Nice! so in his mind $5k is worth killing off the M? The only time I'd say this to STBXW is if I was *very* skeptical that anything would be different in the future and we'll be D'ing again in a few months. For a M or a R to work both people have to be 100% committed, failure is not an option. So take this as a huge red-flag. Why would you want to be with someone and potentially start a family with someone who is not 100% committed and can potentially do this again in the future? Do you want to go through this experience again (potentially with kids?)- of course not! trust me!

That after all is said and done that we can work on our relationship, after the D, that is, and we won't have the
'responsibility of M' looming over us... that we could even move in right together after everything is finalized

He really is delusional that you can be his live in girlfriend so he can be free to have you when he wants you and not when he doesn't. So selfish. There's no other reason in my mind that someone would want a gf over M. It's the freedom, no committment and convenient sex- hey best of both worlds!

Oh and he's not seeing anyone until the D is finalized but he said later he thinks he'll sleep with other women just to sleep with them...yet he also wants you to move in soon after the D too. Wow sounds like a bluepring for a personal theme park he's building in his head.

Sol, I don't know if you plan to have kids but it's not a walk in the park and even the best of marriages are challenged when a kid comes into the picture. If he thinks M is a responsibility that he feels is 'looming over his head' then how would he feel about the much greater responsibiltiies in the future- potentially?

"If you really care about me, Sol, you'll stop seeing/hanging out with other people [in the interim]"

Sure H, let me get right on that for you while in return you award me with a D. Is there anything else I can do for you since you're giving me what every woman dreams of? So selfish. I would've said 'D is not the end of our M, it's the end of us. I WILL NOT be there when our M is gone. It's the end of everything we ever had together'. And... 'If you care about me then you'll stop the D, take me on a second honey moon to Bora Bora, renew our vows, buy me a new diamond ring and maybe I'll think about breaking off contact with other guys. As Beyonce' would say You must not know 'bout me I could have another you in a minute Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute...'

Um, what? This sounds like BS to me. I do not want CRUMBS. If I wanted CRUMBS I would just find me a sidepiece for occasional fun and call it a day. It's a M, not a thing you end to then later work on a R w/o a dang M anymore to speak of.

Anyone else think this sounds crazy?

He wants his D, he can have it. But it seems insulting to me to tell me that after we have a D, then we can work on our relationship. Like I'm not good enough to be a wife but I'm good enough to live w/? Whaaat?

You're answering your own questions here Sol and yes you're right on. I know it's hard but you're seeing things more clearly for yourself. I wish I had something earth shattering to say here but I don't. I just wish you (as well as a few other ladies here) would detach and get over your H. Going dark is a start to help you detach but detachment is the goal. When his words don't reel you back in everytime he says something to you is when you know you've detached.

[soleil]

Thanks for the "manly" point of views. It's much appreciated.

In my opinion he wants the D to go through before working on your relationship because he KNOWS HE CAN'T COMMIT.

Excellent point.

Why would you want to be with someone and potentially start a family with someone who is not 100% committed and can potentially do this again in the future?

And once again, same "committment" point is made. Good stuff.

Sol, I don't know if you plan to have kids but it's not a walk in the park and even the best of marriages are challenged when a kid comes into the picture. If he thinks M is a responsibility that he feels is 'looming over his head' then how would he feel about the much greater responsibiltiies in the future- potentially?.

Had never thought of that this way before. Lightbulb.

'D is not the end of our M, it's the end of us. I WILL NOT be there when our M is gone. It's the end of everything we ever had together'.

As Beyonce' would say You must not know 'bout me I could have another you in a minute Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute...'

Great response. Love the Beyonce touch on the end.

When his words don't reel you back in everytime he says something to you is when you know you've detached.

Noted! I deleted all of his recent texts this morning. Going dark again!

My mother is back home which is nice, after the scare.

I've got 1 exam this week. I cannot wait til this semester is over!

[kat727]

Funny, I can almost see IR dacing and singing that song!

kat

[ImprovedRomeo]

Funny, I can almost see IR dacing and singing that song!

LOL!

Hey hip girl, goodluck on your exam!

[soleil]

So ANOTHER exam early next week. Sheesh. Talk about ridiculous! It seems it's one after another lately!

HG has invited me to his sister's birtheay party this weekend, to which I will go. I know they were having dinner before drinkies and I believe a lot of his family will be there to celebrate (other sibilings). This weekend I did meet his mom and some other relatives as they were celebrating a good family friend's birthday (who I happen to know).

No contact w/ stbx since our last phone call. I'm cool w/ that. I see something posted about a court date in 2.5 weeks. I am waiting to hear from L to see if this is the final hearing. In a way, I hope it is so I can start the new year out fresh and with a bang. New beginnings, people!

[ImprovedRomeo]

Sol, from your end no contact is good. There's really nothing more to say to him at this point. You've let him know where you stand (more than once) and that after the D it's over. Once you clarify your position you leave it to the other person to choose what they want and you keep moving forward If something happens you'll figure things out then, if nothing happens well you are already prepared for the it knowing you gave it your best- but it takes two people.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you and hope the court matters resolve soon and amicably.

HG- that's ok I think but depending on what you want from him you can also decline once in a while Can you also hang out with other friends on the weekends too? your girlfriends etc? I think you need a couple of different GAL activities and people to do it with. OK what I'm saying is you don't want to jump into another relationship so quickly. Nothing wrong with getting to know someone and later on maybe if things line up then sure but right now you're probably too vulnerable. I know it's hard because you probably like spending time with him but that's my only humble advice.

I think overall you're doing great! Keep up the good work

[soleil]

So sleepy today. Wishing I was at hom eand could crawl into bed for some more Zzzzs.

Friday I get more paperwork from stbx's lawyer setting a 'term day praecipe.' I think that is the final hearing? No clue what it means. I texted my L but he hasn't responded.

Weekend was very fast and I did hang out w HG. Got a text from STBX saying "This makes everything easier now... I hope you are happy with him and you have a good night with him."

I never responded. I was going to write "You are the one who filed for D" but didn't.

My family is still debating on whether staying local or heading up north for Turkey Day. My mother is doing much better and recovering nicely.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Not sure what 'term day praecipe' means but sounds like an order to show in court.

Are you in a no-fault state? Even so I'd be careful in what you put out there in writing. It's probably best to not respond to the type of comments or questions that are emotionally charged and answering them result in nothing productive. I said it before that he's going to make HG into a big deal in his head and he'll want to believe that you are having a physical relationship with someone else. It's the only way he can lessen his feelings of guilt.

Glad to hear about your mom. Thanksgiving with family sounds great!

[soleil]

he'll want to believe that you are having a physical relationship with someone else. It's the only way he can lessen his feelings of guilt.

Make complete sense. Still never responded to him. And I am fine with that. No classes or exams for me for another week. Thank goodness!