Funny how I have gone from looking for signs that he's coming back to looking for signs that he isnt....just thinking.
When they do little odd jobs for you around the house. Its not a sign they are coming round...they just don't want to be seen as the bad guy...so they do good guy stuff...
When they lie to you or sound a bit mysterious, its because they dont want to hurt you, not because they are scared you'll run away if you knew the truth.
When they spend time with you, maybe its because they are just lonely and miss the comfort of having their best friend nearby, it doesnt mean they have snapped out of it.
These of the sort of things that put us on a rollercoaster...constantly analysing actions waiting for a sign.
There are no signs...you can NEVER assume you know what they are thinking.
We stay on the rollercoaster cause we are looking for hope, but by doing that when we find a shred of hope, we get our expectaions up...and THATS the problem.
I know the theory. Why can't I put it into practise.
I sound like a hellava confused nitwit right now dont I? Feel like one...argh....
Go back to the original resources Cadet gave you and there's a link on detaching. That is crucial. Remember the mantras. MLC=confusion. They DON'T think straight. Making sense of it is impossible. And believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do. So again, lying is part and parcel of MLC. Accept it and move on. Understanding it is impossible and a waste of your valuable time.
I have been exactly where you are. Not knowing for sure if there was an OW but there were HUGE blinking signs saying yes. Accept it. He has an OW and it's probably a PA. Feel the pain, the betrayal the anger. I know it hurts like hell. Then after a week reevaluate yourself. Are you OK? As LBS, we can leave when we wish. The choice is yours. But if you still feel the M is worth saving, then you have to come to grips with the reality of the OW. Searching for clues, looking for evidence is only hurting you. Because you'll only find evidence that he's lying to you. Confronting your H is fruitless. Because it'll only cause him to lie more. I KNOW how tempting it is to find the truth. But you HAVE to stop. Because it's the only way you can find yourself.
You need to focus on yourself Pie. Nothing in your previous posts told me anything about what you're doing to improve yourself. What complaints did H have about you that you know were valid to some extent. We all have them. Work on those. Focus on those. But NOT to win H back. He has to find his own way out. But to find yourself. The peace you will find when you truly start to become your own person is like no other and you need to make that your goal.
((Pie))
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
I am reading “The Places that Scare You” by Pema Chodron. I saw it recommended on this board somewhere or other. It is good, and very relevant to detachment.
Also, blocking all thoughts of my H is helping too. At first I only 'thought stopped' obsessive thoughts about the A, but expanding the subject to include my H entirely made a big difference.
I admit that am having a hard time separating out how to detach with love and my instinct to detach simply as a reaction to the pain and disappointment. My D's seems comfortable opening up to me about her time with daddy and that is making this harder.
She is the one persobn I won't tell to keep her information to herself. She is learning too much about lying and keeping secrets already. I'm not going to make her responsible for 'protecting' me from what is going on by asking her not to talk about it. Right now I really have to detach or I won't be able to function as a mom.
Hope - thanks , It seems we are in very similar places right now... My heart breaks whenever S talks about daddy, but I keep a smile on my face and stay upbeat...trying so hard not to let any of this effect him, but he's very intelligent for his age, and picks up on everything and anything....I think I'll hunt that book down.
I'm feeling a little like H's babysitter at the moment, and its grating me a bit to be truthful
Albu - you are SO wise. And SO right. I should just accept that there is stuff going on, and I might never know all of it. But it IS happeneing, I should stop trying to find out EXACTLY what it is. Hes being far too evasive and secretive over the past couple days...I KNOW what it means, so I should just accept it.
My New mantra...accept...accept....accept.
Do I want to stand for the marriage...I don't know anymore Memories of the man i used to know are being muddied(is that a word) by the behaviour of this new man. Maybe this is who is is now...maybe the MLC has brought about a new man.
SO...I think its time to start the steps to my own life seperate from him now.
Update on H...
Found out from my BGF (her H works for my H), that H has taken the week off work. He never mentioned this to me (secretive again - he usually tells me this sort of thing)
On top of this he had a very round about way of telling me that he was going to UK again next week. He usually just says 'btw I'm going to be in xyz next week'(red flag since overseas trips seem to be synonymous with OW's now). This week he said 'BA flights are 50% cheaper than our local airline, can u belive it?' and 'I'm worried this trips going to be a waste of time, boss wants to just propose some new business things'. and then he trailed off when I started showing interest, and he quickly changed the subject.
So he wants to avert suspicion, by giving a few details, but doesnt want to go into too much detail incase he stuffs up.
Then yesterday BGF says that she didnt want to mention it before but there was a woman at work that her H thought was a bit suspicious. He would often see her on H skype , and she would often visit his office and spend hours behind closed doors with him.
So there we have it....FAR to many little weird red flags to ignore...so just time to accept it.
And to just ignore his 'honest and open hearted' email about how he had classified his initial dating as 'acting out'. And maybe he's just a despicable human being and I deserve better.
He's clearly still up to stuff and lying to my face.
Accepting it from today onwards
So the thing here is now, that I have to change some things - ie I don't want him to just pop over whenever it suits him, I want us to organise alternate weekend with S...is my S too young for that you think? He's 4.5years old, and very intellegent for his age (6 year old intellegence reported by school)
Kis emotional IQ is different than school smarts, so I wouldn't let your son know more than the basics. Often times really smart kids get overwhelmed on emotional stuff because they aren't at the same level developmentally as they are in IQ.
My policy is don't lie, but keep it short. Lots of little convresations with a child lets them process at their own rate and helps keep them from being overwhelmed.
I really think it is hardest with the kid stuff. It seems to be what is driving my detachment right now. I'm trying to just let my anger be what it is. Not let it drive my decisions, but not sweeping it under the rug either.
For now I am standing, but it is about me, not H anymore. Very odd, but I wasn't ready before.
Thanks Zen I just don't know how to tell him WHY his dad is not here. So far I have been lying (smack me now), saying that daddy is working hard, and he has to live close to his work I guess thats worng, but for some reason it feels even more wrong to say 'because daddy doesnt want to live in the same house as mommy anymore'... It feels awful to tell a child of 4 that I'm not sure it gets easier or more 'ok' to tell them as they get older tho either...so I guess it has to come out sometime...
Just dont want to damage this little boy
H came in to fetch S this morning...COMPLETE opposite from yesterday mornings behaviour (He was in a VERY good mood yesterday morning, practically bouncing off the walls), and this morning came in sat down, and barely even could concentrate on what S was saying....his head was very much elsewhere, and he looked very sad...distracted....ashamed even...dont know...
Probably knows that he should be telling me stuff, or telling me to move on but cant do it and feels guilty....
I asked when his trip dates were, so he gave them to me and said he was going to phone his boss today to find out if he 'really HAD to go'. Funny thing is he thinks I cant see through it...its just more superflous cover up information....
At least I've already started accepting now, so its not that hard to digest, i can still keep a smile on my face Which I managed pretty well
He looked awfully sad tho
Everytime I start feeling sorry for him, and want to make it better for him, and just love and hug and squeeze him better, I remember the lies, and it kindof brings me back to reality...
So much love to give him, what a waste....someone else will be getting my love someday....lucky man
Have a busy day ahead - work, S has swimming lessons, then to gym later and to BGF for our daily chinwag.
I just don't know how to tell him WHY his dad is not here. So far I have been lying (smack me now), saying that daddy is working hard, and he has to live close to his work