Pie's Story - he's comfortable again

[pie]

Ok, good news...sort of.

Just read on potential OW FB page, seems she was with H camping again night before last. I know what his response would be to this - that he invited the whole office and it was just her that came. his alibi is that the company pays for the camping and he is therefore obliged to offer the company to come every weekend.

Nice thing is, that last time I found the connection I had heart palpitations for a few minutes. This time, I didnt feel anything!

Good right!!??!!

Ok so....on the right track!

I can't remember if I mentioned this, but H very strongly denied anything with this OW. And I said I believed him (lied).

So hence he doesnt feel the need to cover anything up or stop these weekend things with her.

He doesnt however OFFER up info about when shes with him. He knows I wont ask...because I never ask, just let him be.

So NOW...what do I do about this email I sent him. The one where I ask him if he wants to try again. Do I leave it and see what his thoughts are......OR....do I tell him "I've changed my mind, we need to sort our heads out first"


MMMMMMmmmmmmm.......

I'm feeling VERY protective of me right now. And have the urge to tell him to go jump.....

Eric, probably not what you want to hear?

Whats everyones thoughts. Whats the right thing to do here?

I HAVE NO CLUE.

I am torn between acting like a woman who doesnt know he's in MLC and one who does. (He might NOT be in MLC...I have no definitive proof that he is)

I'm not second prize....

I refuse.

Pride?

[hope for zen]

Pie, you do need to do some more detaching. (Yes, the pot is calling the kettle black!) I would just pretend you never sent the email. If your H brings it up, then fine, but if not, let it go.

The MLC question is tough, but kind of academic. Your tasks are the same. Detach and take care of yourself.

I think the best advice I have gotten on this board was from 25yearsmlc. She said to start thinking of ways that your life would be BETTER if your H never came back. No matter how much you love someone, there is always SOMETHING. With a MLC spouse the list starts to pile up fast once you allow yourself to think about it.

[Albuquerque]

Pie,

Your situation sounds very similar to the situation I was in. I never knew FOR SURE there was an OW. I just had very strong suspicions. But I didn't snoop or try to find out or confront H. I DID keep a close eye on FB which was how I got the suspicion in the first place (and I was correct). I know how difficult it is NOT knowing. You kind of at least WANT to know, even if it will be painful. After much thought I realized that it was probably in my best interest to assume the worst. Believe he had OW and confront the issues head on. Feel the pain, the betrayal, the hurt, the anger....and then move on. I can't say I ever was OK with the OW, but at least it didn't ruin my ability to have genuinely good days otherwise. In time, the truth will come out. If it's true, then you're prepared. If it's not, then your vindicated. Either way its a win. It kind of doesn't matter whether he's in MLC or not. In the end, you still need to work on YOU and YOU alone. Leave him be. If he wants to chat, let him take the lead. But as Zen said. DETACH DETACH DETACH!! You can do this Pie!

[pie]

Thanks everyone...

Well, H certainly hasnt given me much to go on, so I guess I know where this is going now...

Just thinking how things confuse the living daylights out of me. Tired of trying to figure it out, so I'm just going to stop now. Its using up too much energy.

2 weeks ago, after all the emails and finding out about OW's, and him saying he wants to think a bit first, that Sat morning he phones to ask how we are(never does that)and offers up info of times etc his hike etc...cant remember sunday, but weekend was okish.

Then during the week more emails, him openeing up and offering to talk about reconcil. I say I'd like to, then he says he wants to think. That friday night, goes off camping again, poss OW there too, spends Sat there - comes in briefly on Sat eve to collect S, then out.Sunday off overseas business for the week.

Does his usual txting that he's landing/takingoff along the way.
Monday night txts "Night night, hope you are both well, will try call tomorrow" - this is different behaviour - he never says 'night night', the old him used to.

Tuesday morn he calls to talk to S, and Wed morn - whole time talking like we are a family and how many sleeps are left, and just generally behaving like the old H, laughing joking,normal, comfortable. Thursday nothing, and coming back friday he txts when he lands, asks to fetch S, i say yes ofcourse, fetches S from school at 4pm, keeps him at the office and offers to bring him home, come home with him at about 7pm, very grumpy and tired. Usually is after overseas trip. After a few min of normal convo about arb stuff about office stuff and catching up, he asks a question that requires me to think a bit (to do with my work), and he gets impatient with my 'umming' and gets aggressive and raises his voice and says 'for gods sake just give me the answer'. Now the reason he was asking about it was becasue he actually wanted something good for me(dont want to give deatails), so I know his intentions were good, but he lost his patience with me.

And I just looked at him puzzlingliy and carried on cooking supper. Then he appologised and said sorry hes just tired and can I please give him a rough answer....so i did, but I was a bit peeved at his outburst, so i stayed quiet after that, and he can sense this straight away, and says 'now don't be like that.'

I said 'I'm not being like anything' , and tried to change the subject and we kind of glazed over it and carried on talking.

He only stayed for about 15 mins in total, and then went home saying he was tired.Instead of bathing S, which he's beong doing for the past couple weeks - felt like he was trying to get closer to his old family life.

Oy vey. And now...

Then yesterday morning, Sat, he hadnt given me any idea of his plans, and he usually does, so that was immediatly different, so I sent him a txt saying 'you waiting for an invite? your presence is being requested :)' - Cause he had mentioned he wanted to see S .
So He txts back saying 'Not going to make it today, got some things to sort out, rain check?'

And that was it. The last time he was mysterious like this was when he was with OW overseas

So I got the message, and thought, ok so now I know your decision then, thats fine I can move forward from here.

So I txt back and say 'no prob I need to talk about xmas and S, my parents want me to fly to them , are you ok with that, then u can have S next xmas'. I said this so that he could understand , that i understand where we are now, and that i got his 'in between the lines' message that he doesnt want to talk, or try.

So then he txts back 'can we talk about dates?'
me : 'sure:) you want to call?'
no response for a long time.
then I txt him ;'you ok, you sounds weird?'
him : 'no just tired and grumpy, was hoping to have xmas with S, can we talk about it'
me:'sure, can i call u, its too much txting'
then he calls
FLAT grumpy voice, cold. Says he wanted to spend xmas with S, and would really appreciate it if parents came here rather. he'd pay.
I said, I'd ask them, and let him know, and thats all fine. He asked to see S on Sun , I said ofcourse .I asked if he was ok again, he said yes, i said has something changed in the past week becasue you are behaving very differently?(I'm tired of these games). He said no, he's just tired. So I said, ok, just worried about you.(I am- the whole commiting suicude thing last year makes me worry sometimes too)

Call ended there.

So I txt back saying parents are ok to come down, and say they will be glad to see him. I asked if hes ok with that. Also said they sent him a bday card I keep forgetting to give him.And his idea to take S swimming was good he loved it.

He txted back with two smiley faces....which he never does. Which means mega happy I suppose.and Said thank you so much with lots of exclamation marks. Said hed pay for their trip, and was so happy to hear about the swimming and then another smiley face.

Have never ever gotten a txt with so many smileys and exclamations before.

So I txt back saying yes S is a real water baby.

And he txts back 'Bless him :)'

So thats how it ended..

no calls or anything yet.

Why phoned every morning when you are overseas to speak to your S, then come home, and not see or speak to him for two days?

Am I missing something?

I'm sooo tired of this. busy making a list of the things I want changed for our proper sep/D...so sad and tired

This confusion has to end....

[pie]

I'm obvisouly not going to get an answer out of this man....its like getting blood out of a stone.

He's just txted asking if he can come around at 5 to spend some time here with me and S.

THIS is the cake eating that I can't handle anymore.

I feel used.

It has to be one way or the other with me. I'm gong to have to start thinking of what to say to him.

I can't do it with S around, so will have to be during work hours.

[pie]

What am I? The babysitter? And he visits now?

I can't detach with him 'visiting'. He needs to take S and spend time with him elsewhere. Why isnt he doing that now?

[ShantillyLace]

Oh Pie I have to read the rest of your story properly but just briefly it sounds like a touch and go.
He's just making sure you are still available to him. Which you confirmed.
I hate their games so much.

[Albuquerque]

Pie,

I'm sorry you're having a rough patch. Your situation sounds SO much like mine did. My H was always coming around even though I KNEW he had just walked off the plane after spending a week with OW. You need to really look inside yourself and decide what you want out of your M. Do you still want to stand? I get the sense that you do. If so, then Pie, I'm afraid you need to get used to this. You need to come to terms with the fact that they WILL cake eat (in a sense) and there's nothing you can do about it unless you're willing to make some serious waves. Detaching is key to maintaining your sanity but is SO helpful because if your H ever does try to R, detachment will STILL be necessary as I'm learning.

THEY dont understand themselves so there's no way YOU will ever understand their actions. I think you know there's no reason trying. And yet if you look at your actions, that's what you continue to try to do. You MUST detach. Asking your H about his feelings is NOT detaching. It is pursuing. STOP. Do not talk about yourself unless asked. Do not ask about HIS feelings. Converse with H about stuff he brings up only.

Get used to the fact that he may show up or he may not. Expect nothing and you won't have your hopes dashed. Don't worry if he withdraws. He's crazy. Keep reminding yourself that. When and IF he wants to talk seriously about R, then that will change the situation. But until he's totally ready, he's probably going to be very unpredictable.

My own H continues to make no sense. He recently spent several days out of town where we talked and texted and had horrible sexual tension where we were damning the distance between us. Now that he's back in town and I've "offered" several times, he has kept his distance. Makes no sense and it would be very easy to take that personally. I choose not too. I realize he probably doesn't understand himself either and that is far worse than the situation I'm in.

Keep the fact that he wants to keep you as a part of your life as a positive. Remember that the OW is a symptom, not a replacement. Realize that trying to get an answer out of your H is futile and trying to set boundaries like that is most likely futile. Relax, detach. Keep focus on yourself and your S. (((Pie)))

[pie]

Thanks Shantilly, and thanks Albu. I know I'm supposed to detach. I am having just such a hard time doing that lately. If only he didnt give such mixed signals. If only he was consistent....but I know..I know...it doesnt work that way. I know, but STILL, I have trouble

He does something that makes me think he's coming round then in one second he's as distant as he was months ago.

Tonight he came round (one hour later than he said he would). I personally don't like it when people arrive late and dont inform u , I feel its disrespectful...but I think this maybe just me. So I've let it go. 180 for me.

Anyway, he arrives late, I'm ok with it, and we are chatty and comfortable and eveythings nice. He relaxes so I relax, and we have a nice evening...S is happy. All fine...

I asked him casually 'So what you been up to today?' In a very friendly way, and he said 'just acting as tourguide' and sort of trailed off...obviously not wanting to give details. So I know that its something he doesnt want me to know about....

I left it, and continued merrily with other topics of convo.

After about 2 hours he starts yawning , and I do still care for him (heaven knows why) so i say he should go home get some sleep. So hes moaning how hes tired and just cant catch up on lack of sleep.

Mmmmm, wonder why they are all so tired all the time?

There was a moment in the eve where he looked at me and smiled with such warmth and love in his eyes, I could just feel his old soul there, and missed him soooo much....that man...where did he go...I love him so much

As H was saying goodbye to S, S says 'daddy, why do you want to go and stay at your house alone, why dont you want company, you need company'

I just about died...my heart was in physical pain...that my little boy knew this in his heart that something is wrong, and was questioning it. I didnt show any emotion, just smiled(painfully) and tried to help things along.

Now that S is in bed and H is gone, I've had a little cry about it. I hate what this is doing to his thoughts in his little head. They arent thoughts a little 4 year old should be thinking about.

I now that H isnt doing it on purpose and that its collateral damage....I;m just feeling so sad and powerless to stop it...its like watching a car accident in slow motion and you can't do anything to stop it...

Also found out this eve that H is going away again next week, to UK, so another week away. He's only just got back from other trip to other country. A bit sad for S...he misses dad so.

I miss my old H. I can feel perfectly comfortable around the new H, but not as comfortable and 'at home' as I used to be with old H. I hate this.

I want to wake up from this nightmare.

I'm leaving this in God's hands now. I have nothing left
Reminds me of that song - jesus take the wheel...

[pie]

Last night H mentioned he has started swimming laps, to prepare himself for end year kili climb.

Red flag went up. Potential OW has been swimming laps lately, she says on FB...this morning she did laps again, and H only got into work late (I can see him on skype)

Two and two together all the time...

Detach...detach...detach!

I HATE being lied to...its eating me alive

I NEED to let go!

I wish I just had proof he was lying....it would be the end for me.

I think I keep checking because I WANT to catch him out. I NEED it to let go.

I know his being secretive is enough proof, but theres that tiny little uncertainty that means he could be telling the truth when he said 'There's NOTHING with me and OW, now you've heard it from me. If you want to know something ask ME, not other people.'

Theres too much suspicion I know. I KNOW. My GUT says if its not PA its EA...but STILL ...I need to just KNOW!!!


I'm trying so hard right now. Giving myself constant 'talking tos'. Its also so hard to GAL, especially having a 4 year old son, all of my friends are married with no kids yet so that its sometimes difficult to make plans with them, without panning well in advance.

God please help me. I need to let go.





I wish I had my family nearby.They are 9 hrs away