Today has been up and down. The realization that my H will very likely never come home continues to sink in. I am working hard to detach with love, not just withdraw, but I am having a hard time with that. Especially now that I think I have successfully created a safe place for my daughter to talk to me again. Now that she is talking about her time with daddy and asking questions, I get to listen to and answer a lot of questions.
This morning D3 woke up and announced first thing: “Mommy, I have TWO homes, one with mommy and one with daddy!.” I stayed upbeat, but it wasn’t easy. I hadn’t had my coffee yet.
I played up the idea of it being special to have two homes. Made sure not to say her home with me was her “real” one. Went ahead and got the coffee started after that. I could tell it was going to be an interesting day with my D.
Little latter, but at least after I had a couple cups of coffee, D3 asks when we are getting a baby all our own. Before H left we had been getting her ready to be a big (or little) sister. We would have been completing our adoption home study about now, but D3 doesn’t know that. Think it was her aunt’s announcement that she is having a new baby that got her asking.
I sat down (3rd cup of coffee in hand) and dug right in. I told her that when mommies and daddies live in different homes it is not a good time to have a baby. Babies are a lot of work and I need to use all my energy to be a good mommy to just her right now. She asked if we could have one latter. I said I don’t know, but it would be a long, long time till mommy could think about any more babies again.
She then asked why daddy had to live in a different house. I told her that daddy didn’t want to live with mommy anymore. She would still get to see both mommy and daddy lots and lots even if her mommy and daddy didn’t spend time with each other any more. I told her we both love her and will keep taking care of her.
She chattered on and off about her homes all day. I think it is good she is doing well with the idea. Made me a bit shakier, but I’ll make it through. She wanted to call her daddy after church, but he didn’t answer. She left him a message, but he never called her back. We called him at bedtime since she was heading down early.
Have to admit that I almost slipped up tonight though when D3 asked: “where is my other mommy?” Felt like I had just been punched in the gut (yet again). Turned out she was just talking about our cat who is coincidentally named Mama Kitty. Probably the two houses thing got her thinking she gets two of everything. Maybe she will get that other mommy, but good lord, I’m not ready to deal with that.
Not sure if I’m doing this right. Just trying to reassure her, keep it simple, and not lie to her. All of that is hard to pull off right now.
